“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away form me. But he said to me: My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
As I have spent time thinking about how to present and share my life, and the things I keep hidden, this verse God uses to speak to me. I thought about starting with the simple things that would be easier for me share, however, God has other plans and when we trust him, he calls us to go out of our comfort zone and not always take the easy way. With that being said, here we are, the start of this series in which God has laid on my heart to trust him in.
Since I was about 13 years old, I have really struggled with same sex attraction and my sexual identity. I did not understand why I struggled with this, or what the root of it was that would cause it. I knew that it wasn’t right, and that it was different. It was hard to talk about with anyone, so I kept it to myself, and internalized it, only to realize that later on in life it would do me no good. I was confused and so afraid to share my feelings or emotions about this with anyone, mainly because of a fear of rejection, and feeling condemned. By the time I was 15, I heard of the Gospel, and the importance of a relationship with Jesus. When I accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, I knew even moreso that this wasn’t right, and that it was wrong. I thought that because of my belief in Jesus and my relationship with him, that this would go away and that I would finally be normal. It tore me up on the inside that it was still in me, and at times would overtake me. I just wanted it to go away, but the feeling of attraction was still there and it was hard. I still kept all of this to myself becasue I knew that it was unacceptable, and it was wrong, and I did not want people to think I was not a true follower of Christ because I struggled with this.
Not only was that weighing on my mind and on my heart, but as I got more in the word and continued to build in my relationship with God, I noticed that nowhere in the Bible, did it show or talk about Jesus interacting with someone like me, who struggled with this or lived this lifestyle, and how he went about serving them or loving them, like he did with those who were the least of these, or overlooked, or conisidered prostitues. This began to discourage me even more, becasue All I wanted was to be used by God and love him back becasue of what he did for me and all of us on the Cross, and I felt that this disqualified me or that I was not good enough.
It wasn’t until summer of 2015, when God showed me himself and his love and who he is, that those feelings and all of that, just seemed to go away, I felt joyful and free, as well as delievered. I no longer felt that shame and guilt that this thing left and stigmatized me with. I truly believe that God has delievered me of this and walks with me through it. I would love to sit here and say that I never struggled with it again, but that is not true. Those feeings still come up and are hard to fight against, but God gives me hope. Like Paul says in the verse above, I pleaded with God more than three times, for him to take it away, but I heard him say that he and his grace are sufficient, and that he uses all parts of me for his glory and that includes this. I trust him enough as I follow him to do whatever he must for his names sake. No it has not gone away, but that does not mean I give into it. I will not lie, sometimes it overtakes me, but God has been there and lifted me up everytime, and reminds me that it will not be like this forever and that it will be worth it in the end.
I found myself a lot of times asking why do I struggle with this, and God has told me, I am asking the wrong thing, and instead should ask what is he telling me and teaching me in and through this struggle. So far, he has taught me about perseverance, and his grace, love, and mercy. I still do not fully understand why as a follower I still battle this, and I have asked him before, why he just cannot take it away becasue it is wrong, and he knows it is. His answer surprises me. He said; I am using it “You do not understand what I am doing now, but later you will”. (John ch 13) (yes this is when Jesus washes the disciples feet). So I press on to that which I have been called heavenward in Christ Jesus for his glory and purposes. He already dealt with this on the cross, so I follow him and carry my cross daily which involves this struggle. God and his love has not given up on me, He has not left me, and he is with me. I do not write all of this as a means for attetion, but as obedience to him so that I may experience his love and grace, as well as ask for accountability, prayer, and to encourage others that bringing things into the light before him and unto others , is exactly what he desires, so that all may experience his love and goodness. Love is who He is.
The last thing I would like to share about this is this: many people argue, whether or not this is choice. I would like to say that as someone who struggles with this, and that is the sin that so easily entangles me, that it is both a choice and not a choice. You cannot chose how you feel, but you can choose to act on that feeling or not, and I choose not to.
Some encouragement if I may, If this is not something you struggle with, love the person who does, you do not have to tolerate it, and I am not saying that you do. But love them. If you want to know how, let God tell you in 1 Corinthians ch 13. Listen to the person who does struggle with this. guide them to truth, it does alot. I wish someone would have done that with me. Realize that their sin and struggle with this may be different than yours, but in the eyes of the Lord, it is the same. Empathize with them, by thinking about the sin that easliy entangles you and what you would want soemone to understand and help you through. For those who do struggle with this and struggle with trying to love yourself as Christ loves you, I get it. It is hard, and you wake up hating yourself everyday, and it hurts, and you are confused, know that YOu are loved and accepted by God. He will not leave you like this forever and when you trust him, he trasnforms you daily. Know that it will not go away right then and there or automatically, it will take effrot, work, and trust in your relationship with God, as you both work in and through it, and that it will not happen over night. But it is happening and he is renewing you daily. It is ok to talk to someone and bring it to the light before Christ so that he may do what he does best. Love you. God does not hate you, and you should not hate yourself. You were made in his image just like every person in this world was. Trust him, he will walk with you and guide you. He will put people in your life to keep you accountable and challnege you and grow you.
