Most of you reading this are probably wondering what the heck this blog is about and what I’m doing with my life. These are good questions that I finally have enough courage to answer. These past nine months have consisted of a series of unplanned events that took me to my lowest of lows and highest of highs. It has been one wild roller coaster ride that completely changed my life. If you would like to know how I ended up deciding to travel the world for nine months with a group of strangers to tell people about Jesus, then continue reading!
Many of you know that I began attending Baylor University in the fall of 2014. Baylor was my dream school and my freshman year was everything I could have asked for and more. Except for one small thing, or so I thought. At the end of my second semester I began getting sick. I went to the doctor, explained that I would sometimes feel nauseous before things like exams or presentations, and she handed me a pamphlet on anxiety. Anxiety? I’m a psych major, I know what anxiety is, and I knew I didn’t have it. I read the pamphlet, I could relate to some of the symptoms, but this just seemed way too extreme. Besides, I thought, how will I one-day help people with anxiety if I have it myself? That wasn’t going to work for me, so I dismissed it from my mind.
Fast forward to the beginning of my sophomore year. I had just returned from an amazing summer working at my church’s Day Camp and I was excited to start the new-year living in an apartment with my best friends. However, as you might have guessed, things did not go as planned. The first week of school I began experiencing the physical symptoms of the anxiety I told myself I didn’t have. But this time, they were ten times worse. This meant feeling anxious and throwing up before quizzes, tests and even social situations. I had no idea what to do. I didn’t know why I was getting sick and I was mad at myself for not being able to control it. It was embarrassing and I didn’t know how to explain it to my best friends and roommates. I kept begging God to take it away, but it only continued to get worse. About a month into the semester and a few days after my first panic attack, I met with a licensed counselor at Baylor. I was extremely hesitant to go, but felt like I was out of options. Fortunately, the meeting went well and I really liked my counselor. I decided on continuing to see her every week for the rest of the semester.
I began putting into practice the helpful strategies my counselor had taught me to manage the anxiety. I saw some improvement, but every once in a while it would come back full force. I felt like I was drowning. No matter how hard I swam I could barely stay afloat. It was exhausting – emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. I felt distant from God and like my joy was slipping away.
Then finals week came. If I were to explain all the things that happened this week, you would be reading this for the next two hours. Long story short, my anxiety landed me in Urgent Care and my aunt and uncle picked me up from Baylor. We thought a couple days with them at their lake house would be a peaceful setting for me to calm down and study. However, the next few days were anything but peaceful. My anxiety escalated to the point of complete shut down. I was done. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I tried to study, but I ended up over the toilet and in tears every time. I was completely devastated. I had A’s in all my classes, I knew I had nothing to worry about, but it was as if there was a complete disconnect between my mind and my body.
My mom ended up calling Baylor, explaining the situation, and all my professors either averaged my grade or gave me an extension on my finals. So I left school early, and met with a psychologist and a psychiatrist in Dallas. They both said my medications were a mess and that I had some stuff to work through, but they were confident that I would be able to overcome the anxiety and be back at Baylor the following semester. I started implementing all the changes they told me to make, and I began feeling much better about a week into winter break.
Fast forward to a week before the spring semester began. I sat down to start studying for my remaining finals, and to my extreme disappointment, the anxiety returned. I felt hopeless. I had finally gone a few weeks feeling semi-normal, but it came back, just as bad as before. I knew what this meant. I wasn’t going back to Baylor that semester. If I couldn’t even study without getting sick, how was I going to be a successful student? I spent the next couple of days in my bed – either crying or sleeping. Baylor was my dream. I had worked so hard to get there and I didn’t want to let the anxiety win. But I felt like it was stronger than me. I felt completely defeated.
So I ended up staying home. I didn’t want to, but after talking to my good friend and mentor, Dana, I knew it was the right decision. Dana told me that I wasn’t a failure and I wasn’t giving up by not returning to school right away. I was giving myself the best chance at recovery. My counselor agreed. So Dylan, the girl who was always known for being an amazing student, was taking a semester off school.
It’s been a little over three months since I made that decision, and I’m in awe of what God has done in such a short period of time. This was way more of a spiritual battle than I realized. The Father of Lies had a grip on me. I thought I had to be perfect to be enough. The perfect student. The perfect friend. The perfect Christian. The perfect daughter. I was afraid to fail. I was afraid of being abandoned. I was afraid of conflict. I had placed my identity in school and relationships, but when those things began to waver and feel out of my control, fear consumed my life without me even realizing it. During this time, I felt like God had forgotten about me, but He was always there. He knew what He was doing and the Lord allowed all of this to happen to me for a reason. He pulled me out of what I was placing my identity in, so that I could finally place it back in Christ. When I think of how He was working, Psalm 18:16-19 comes to mind: “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.” That’s grace. That’s God.
I lost myself in all my striving. I spent the whole summer teaching kids how valued they were by their Heavenly Father, but somehow I forgot that I too am a Child of God. I too am beloved and valued for being His. That’s it! There’s nothing I could do to earn it. There’s so much freedom in that. I recently heard, “Lies look ridiculous through the perspective of Scripture.” Because God gave me this precious gift of time, I was finally able to recognize what lies I was believing and replace them with God’s truth. My mentors encouraged me to dive deep into His word, and that’s exactly what I did. Out of all the advice, books, strategies, breathing techniques, you name it, that I’ve received in counseling, God’s word is what changed my life (side note: those are all good things, I’ve just found God’s word to be the most powerful). Now I truly believe God is who He says He is and I am who He says I am. I don’t just know, it’s not just head knowledge anymore, because I have experienced it first hand. I made spending time with the Lord my first priority and the amount of healing He has done in my heart over the past few months is unexplainable. I have a peace I have never had before and fear is no longer in my vocabulary.
In April, I flew back to Baylor and took my finals with no anxiety. While I was there, I said goodbye to my best friends and my dream school, packed up my stuff and moved out of my apartment. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
You may be thinking, why the heck would I do this if my anxiety is gone? I did this because a couple months ago I felt God telling me to just GO. I thought, go? Go back to school, ya know, where I should be. What I know. What I’m good at. Nope. God made it clear to me that my plans weren’t His plans. And while my plans may be great, neat and organized, they’re boring. God said, I want you to go on an adventure with me. Throw fear out the window, take a risk and trust me. The day after God told me this, I read this in Bob Goff’s Love Does: “When you decide to drop everything that’s typical, all that is left is just a big idea about an even bigger God and a world that’s worn out from the way everyone else has been doing it.”
So I applied for World Race Gap Year. A nine-month (October ’16 – June ’17) mission trip to three countries: India, Malaysia and Zambia. I didn’t think I would be accepted due to my recent battle with anxiety, but I was. And I know God used that battle to bring me to this point. So here I am. Dropping everything that’s typical and embarking on something I would have never thought possible. God is changing my heart and giving me new dreams. I’m ready to trade in my plans for His, radically love and serve His people and get out of my comfort zone, all to give Him the glory.
In order to go on this trip, I have to raise about $19,000. Wooooo that’s a big number! But we serve an even BIGGER God. This new dream is a lot scarier, and I honestly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. But I kind of love it! All I know is my job is to simply walk in obedience. Not knowing how this is all going to work out is actually really exciting. I know I can’t do this without God orchestrating the whole thing. I am completely trusting Him to pull this off, and I can’t wait to see how He does it. He always manages to surprise me, so I’m sure this will be no exception.
If you would like to support me, the most important thing you can do is pray. While I’m sure this trip will be some of the best months of my life, they are also going to be some of the hardest. Living in the poorest parts of the world with just a 40 pound backpack and a group of strangers for nine months is no joke y’all. We’re going to be exposed to social and cultural injustice like never before. Whether it be working with abandoned and hungry children, experiencing extreme racism or ministering to human trafficking victims, these months will be full of pain and heartache. Prayer is needed.
But I also need financial support. I cannot do this on my own. My first deadline is July 8th! I must have at least $5,000 raised by then (yikes!). So if you feel led, I would greatly appreciate any donation you can make, big or small. It will be going straight to Adventures in Missions to fund my travel, living and program expenses. You can donate by clicking “donate!” at the top right hand corner of this page. All donations are tax deductible (yay!).
I invite you to come along this journey with me! Your encouragement is invaluable and I want to share in this experience with you. I will continue posting updates on this blog and my social media (be on the lookout for pictures!). My posts will range from what crazy things God is doing now and when we get out on the field, random thoughts, fundraising updates and anything else I find relevant. You can sign up to receive alerts when I post by clicking “Receive Blog Updates!” on the left side bar (:
If you’ve made it to the end of this, you’re awesome. I can’t wait to share in this adventure with you! Let’s do this thang!
Much love,
Dylan
