I have been preparing for nearly a year now for the most challenging adventure I could imagine. But I never knew how challenging the preparation season would be. I have heard story after story, testimony after testimony about the challenges that come with doing the World Race. But none of those testimonies could have prepared me for the challenges that I am currently facing only a few weeks away from launching.
I am not typing this to gain self-pity nor am I typing to put a spot light on myself. Rather I am sharing with you true and raw struggles that I am facing in preparing for the World Race. I am deciding to be completely vulnerable and transparent in hopes that you will partner with God through prayer.
So..Where do I begin?
First, I have been struggling a lot with complacency. It is almost has if I have no motivation to do anything ever. I am not sure if it has to due with the simple fact that I am leaving soon. Like some sort of “seniorites” or something. But with the complacency brings side effects: finding motivation to spend time alone with Jesus is rare and sleeping in is more common than normal.
Second, I have noticed that lustful temptations has been increasing. Lust for things of this world and sexual lust. I want my desires to be the desires of the Lord, not of this world.
Third, Insecurities are starting to creep up. I have been feeling more and more unworthy and unqualified to be going on the World Race. I can see how the enemy is using my past identity in this world to tempt me into believing that I am not set free. I often doubt that God is going to use me in the ways he has promised.
There has been an increase of fear as well. I am starting to fear the future of what God is promising me through going on the World Race. Knowing that God has called me to live a “missionary” kind of lifestyle, one that is not secure (according to the world’s standard of security). A life where my physical life and (if God willing) my future family’s lives are on the line because of the cause of Christ. I know that sounds kind of melodramatic but this is the lifestyle I know my Lord has chosen me to live and it honestly scares me a little.
So, no I do not have it all together and no, I am not doing “okay.” In fact, I am actually freaking out a little inside. There have been several emotions that I have gone through in this last month before leaving. Fear, doubt, anxiousness, excitement, joy, sadness, peace and many others. It has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, twist and turns and even one of those random stops in the middle of the ride that scares you half to death.
I hope those of you who decided to read this will take a moment to pray for my squad and I as we are gearing up and preparing to leave. I know with out a doubt I am not the only one on our squad who is facing these challenges right now.
P.S.
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P.S.S
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