I am beginning to be more confident and comfortable with who I am and how God made me. After all, his ways are better than my ways, and He ultimately knows best. I wasn’t always like that and I still have a ways to go. No I am not Gay. That’s been a question a lot of people have asked me throughout my entire life. Whether in humor or just being rude. They’ve always asked it because I don’t act the way they want me to act. As far back as I can remember, I was bullied and made fun of severely by my peers at school. In Elementary School we aren’t that creative with words and so I was constantly called a girl and even quit my baseball team because I couldn’t hit the ball because I “was a girl”. That’s when it all started. I was maybe six years old. Six. Middle school was even worse and I couldn’t believe the evil that would come out of people’s mouth. To conform to what people thought was a normal boy, I would stand in the mirror and try to walk like a boy is supposed to walk and have posture like a normal boy. I wanted so much to be “normal” and for the hatred to stop. I could go through story to story from big to small of the bullying incidents but I don’t think it would profit much. Even my so-called friends would be nice to me and be my friend all day but when the bullying happened, they would laugh along and not defend me. I felt as if I had no true friends. It began to feel normal to me and I began to expect it from everyone. I just knew every guy was calling me a faggot or queer in their heads and judging me. I was usually right but by doing this it closed a lot of doors of friendship that I could have had. Usually the girls were more understanding and weren’t so quick to judge so naturally I got along with them better and had more friends that were girls. That didn’t help my case at all. That just fueled the fire. I still have some resistance when talking to guys because I’m different from most of them and I feel like they can smell my fear of judgement. I am so glad I let Jesus into my heart at a young age because I don’t know if I could have made it through my teen years without him. You would think in high school that things would get better because we’re all a little more grown up but no. I developed a backbone by then and usually struck back but they always pulled the “gay” card. I rarely spoke out because of that horrible card everyone knew to pull with me. They crushed my pride, they hurt me to the core. The little remarks they would say didn’t bother them one bit and they could go home with a clear conscience and not think twice about it, but those words would stick with me. I would ponder them all evening and wonder why God made me this way and why He would make me go through these things. I never asked for it. No one understood me, not even Jesus. He was never called gay. He didn’t know my heart. At that moment I felt so dumb and selfish. Christ never asked to be ridiculed like He was. He never asked to be spat on or beaten so much that He was unrecognizable. He never asked to be hung on a cross with the sin of the world on his shoulders. Jesus didn’t ask for a lot of things but the evil in the world still came at him in every direction. But you know what he didn’t do? He didn’t lash back. He didn’t go home and try and conform to what society thought was right. Do you know what he did? He stayed the same and continued to do what He was made to do without falter. “Oh Dylan, that was easy for Him because God made Him after his own image. He was God’s flipping son! He was made to do all these great things and miracles and stuff” Yeah. That’s true. But weren’t we also? We were fashioned in God’s image and made perfect by him. EVERY part of us is on purpose. God knew what he was doing when He brought you and me into existence. That goes for everyone. Whether you’re a little too feminine for most guys or maybe too masculine for most girls. Whether you aren’t the same body shape as the cookie cutter human or your eyes are too close together. Whatever flaw you have, God sees beauty. He made those teeth you look at every morning and that nose that may be too big. He made your legs to be a little longer than usual or your hair to be more frizzier. Our imperfections are made perfect through Him who is perfect. To all of you reading this that made fun of me in any way or form. I’m not mad, I have no hard feelings. I forgive you. Not for you, but for myself! And those of you who are reading this who don’t feel good about a certain aspect in your life, make yourself happy. Please. If you are truly happy then nothing else matters. Your happiness will override those ugly insecurities. I could write all night long about ways to make yourself happy but that’s one thing you’ll have to do on your own. I can’t tell you how to be happy, I can laugh with you and cheer you on but your happiness is brought on by you! We are all human and we’re not built with a tough outer shell that shields us from negativity. You cut me, I bleed. But picked scabs will never heal. I want to say I don’t care what you think about me, call me whatever you want to because I am stronger from the battles but that’s furthest from the truth. I care. I want others to like me, but ultimately, I’m not going to be standing in front of you at Heaven’s gates when I die. I will be standing before my savior, and if He’s happy with me then I’ve won. I feel like I’ve developed a personality through all this and maybe my testimony in some way, shape, or form can help others. That’s all I want to do with my life. I want to help people in need, or in no need at all. Everyone deserves a little help. If you need me, I will try to be here and guide you and help you through any situation but my big brother God can help you way more than I could. God is so awesome, his mercies are innumerable and His grace is so good. just good. There’s really no other way to put it. In Genesis, God created all these many things in 6 days and He said what.. it was Good. God is Good. I love him and He loves me. Everyone has a story and this is mine. Love it or hate it, it is me and it has shaped me into who I am. I love myself and the person God has created. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
