This month has been a very… hmm… hard, good, bad, sad, happy, frustrating, great… month. Its for sure had its challenges. I have learned a ton, but it didn’t come easy… Thats for dang sure!
Last week I had some huge break thru moments in my WR experience and in my walk with Christ. God rocked my world and taught me a lot of stuff that I really needed to hear. A lot of it started with a couple conversations I had with some friends here on the field and also back working at AIM. This is kinda "part 1" of this whole months process.
Just to be honest, I had a couple rough days last week. Everything was getting to me. Ministry, people, the WR… all of it really. I felt like I hit the lowest point on my WR so far. Submission to the Lord was honestly the last thing on my mind. I wanted it my way and I wasn’t willing to budge or open up to let the Lord work…
I woke up early Thursday morning before our team leader meeting to get some quiet time in and pray for a few minutes… As I was praying and listening to some worship music I dosed off to sleep and had a dream. There was a man that was swimming in an ocean. I was swimming with him and he was struggling to stay above the water. He told me of a story about his life, how for so long he had ran from city to city and got remarried each time he got to a different place. As he struggled to stay a float he spoke about a wedding dress that he tried on each time he got married, and after the marriage he would take the dress off, then go on the honeymoon. Some point during the honeymoon he would leave and go find another city and repeat this over and over again. Then, I woke up. I immediately had a song playing in my head called “Wedding Dress” by Derek Webb. The chorus to the song goes, “I am a whore I do confess, I put you on just like a wedding dress and I, I run down the isle.” This song is talking about our relationship with Christ. How so many times we make the decision to “marry” Jesus, but then when the ceremony is over with, with pretty much abandon our relationship with Him until its convenient again, and then we put the dress back on and marry into our relationship with Christ again.
This was the story of my life. I was the man in my dream. Every time I would attend a youth conference or something growing up, I would feel the need to “throw on a new wedding dress” or “get saved” again. Now here I am 9 years later desiring to put on a new dress, but I am so exhausted that I cannot stay above the water anymore. I felt like I was drowning. Instead of embracing my relationship with Christ and growing… I stayed at square 1 and never cultivated my walk with Christ. So every time I heard an alter call, instead of being confident in who I was already in Christ, I had never done anything to grow that relationship so I would always feel the need to “recommit” my heart to Jesus… Each time, I would get anywhere.
As I set there, I thought about what I had dreamed. I pondered it for quite some time. Then God put another song in my heart. Jonathan David Helsers song, “Endless Ocean.” I set there after that dream feeling like I was sinking and like the water was taking over me. I could not stay above the water anymore. I could not hear anything but that song though. “You are an endless ocean, a bottomless sea. You are an endless ocean, bottomless sea.” Talking about how deep and wide Gods grace and mercy and love are for us. Its like an ocean!
Then it hit me… I don’t have to run anymore. I just need to swim. I may sometimes feel like I cannot stay afloat. I may feel tired. I may doubt. I may sink. But if I sink, i’m sinking into His love and presence. And His love is deep. God has brought me to this place and He is telling me to take off my wedding dress and stop going place to place. I am married. Nothing can change that. Now the question is…
Do I sink or swim…?
