04/21/2015:
It’s been one year today since I was sleeping on a floor in Bangalore, India only to be awakened to gut-wrenching news that my friends were in a terrible accident. “They’re ok, but Vanessa can’t walk or feel her legs”, were the words Kaylaynn & I heard on the other end of the phone. From that moment, everything changed.
(The van that Vanessa, Kate, Chance, Teresa & two locals were riding in)
Three weeks later, I put Vanessa, paralyzed from the waist down, on a plane with her Mom and Dad, back to the United States, and because the squad had already moved to Nepal, at 4am in the Bangalore airport, I set in a corner, alone, and wept uncontrollably. I no longer saw myself as a kid. Ready or not, I had become a man.
To say words fail me is an understatement. What we faced, especially Vanessa, in those weeks spent in that Indian hospital, could never be recreated on paper. Ever. It was the stuff movies and TV shows are made of.
Fast-forward, Nepal has just been ravished by a 7.8M earthquake. Thousands are dead, thousands more are missing, and we, P Squad, have been called by God (I still firmly believe that) to be placed in the midst of what seemed like hell on earth.
Little did we know, we, too, would soon learn that the ground you stand on should never be taken for granted.
On Tuesday, May 12th, we would live through our own 7.3M earthquake just miles from the epicenter, and the hundreds of aftershocks that would soon follow.
What we witnessed in those days is something I’ll never forget. At times I would have to stop and realign myself, wondering if this was all “real life.” It was like we were living in The Hunger Games or something.
(The hotel just down from our village where many people were still trapped)
We dug for people trapped in the rubble, saw families who’d lost everything, and spent countless nights staring at our water bottles, looking for a ripple in the water, to make sure we weren’t going crazy, but that the ground was actually firm beneath us. It was something, oddly enough, that I’m thankful for, but have zero desire to experience again.
I learned that God is, in-fact, the only stable thing in our lives.
I’m going to be real honest for a few moments, though.
Following Jesus is hard some days, and some times you get knocked right flat on your ass.
The past year has been a roller coaster. Sadly, I think what has made it hard at times isn’t the fact that my circumstances have been difficult, but because there is an overall lack of transparency, vulnerability, and acceptance, especially in churches. We aren’t ok with people “not being okay.”
Folks, I’m here to tell you, being obedient to God and asking Jesus into your heart, doesn’t mean that life all of the sudden gets better. In-fact, I’d go as far to say, you’ve probably just walked onto a battlefield like you’ve never imagined.
Before leaving to squad lead last year, the Lord gave me a vision. I was at war, crawling under barbed wire, and muddy as could be. Shots were being fired all around me. I was on the front lines and little did I know how prophetic that vision would become.
(A collapsed building where we dug for a Mother & her baby)
I believe that’s the reality we step into when we become a believer. War begins.
Coming home last year was hard as hell. If I had to hear, “Oh, how was your trip”, “Did you actually feel the earthquake”, or “Well, this is what you should have done in that situation” one more time, I was going to scream. All I wanted was to be heard and not have somebody try and “fix me.”
We’re deeply hurting in America, especially in our churches. Not because God isn’t good, but because we’ve believed the lie that following Christ should make your life perfect. That, my friends, is prosperity gospel. Also known as BS.
I don’t believe God causes bad things to happen, but He sure doesn’t prevent them from taking place. Sometimes it’s hard to see that God is good and is who He says He is. We’ve all been there, whether we admit it or not.
In the past year I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve been to “church.” And if I’m being real honest, I don’t feel like I’ve lost much of anything in not doing so. I was tired of pretending.
All that to say, JUST STOP. Stop trying to hold it all together. Stop pretending that you’ve got it all figured out. Stop acting like you don’t struggle anymore. Stop hiding and playing “good Christian.” It isn’t helping anybody. Especially you. It’s ok to not be ok.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year, it’s that Jesus really is, in fact, all that matters. That’s right, everything else is vanity.
Let me say, I haven’t “arrived” yet. I’m still figuring this out. I still ask God some days, “why”, and don’t have the faith I need to. I still sin. I still struggle. I still feel apathetic and don’t want to pray and read my Bible some days. I want to do what I want to do. And I sure don’t want to play the perfect, little, Southern Baptist Missionary that so many folks see me as. I just want to be real, raw, and honest.
The last year has been really hard. I made some terrible choices and pretty much threw in my towel at this gig called the Christian life. I was tired of trying to be something I couldn’t be, at least by the standards or most American churches.
It’s the very reason that “sinners” won’t darken the doors of our churches. It’s not a safe place. It’s become a club, full of people who act like they’ve got it all figured out, but their life outside those doors is falling all to hell. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t every church and every Believer, but I’d go as far to say that it’s the vast majority.
We’d rather stand on “those hills” as followers of Jesus and fight for things like men’s and women’s bathrooms and rebel flag stickers, rather than to take the time look deep into the roots of a persons heart and realize we’re all the same, no difference, just broken in different places. Every last one of us.
Until we realize that, nothing is gonna change, and we as Believers, won’t do squat for the Kingdom and winning folks to Christ. Pick your battles people. People are hurting and need you to let them know that they’re ok, and if they’re not ok, that’s ok, too. That’s what I needed more than anything.
Stop trying to fix people, and for goodness sake, stop trying to conform people into the image of the “perfect Christian.” It doesn’t exist. All you can do is point them to Christ and let Him have His perfect work in their lives. And remember, until we get to Heaven, we’ll never fully “get it.”
It isn’t about religion. It’s about real, authentic, painful, beautiful, honest, relationships and being willing to let people dig thru their mess. That’s what Jesus does. So who are we to do it our way?
I’ve had to learn to fight the right battles this year. I’ve learned that life is fragile and can flash right before your eyes. I’ve had to let go of a lot, but in return, the Lord has placed in my hands things I never saw coming.
I felt abandoned, I was lonely, depressed, and was even diagnosed with severe anxiety and put on medication for PTSD. I didn’t feel normal anymore.
I’ve learned though, something the church doesn’t preach is, we should never be afraid to fight with God. God is a big God and He can handle your mess. Just don’t ever walk away from Him. The only thing He can’t handle is our pride and lack of trust, transparency, and honesty with Him. He can’t do anything with that. He’s ok that you’ve not got it figured out yet. And when we grasp that, it’s a beautiful thing!
Some days I still fight with God.
At times I would find myself thinking, “This isn’t what I signed up for.” He can, and will do a lot with our brokenness, though. We just have to let Him.
All we can do is the best we can do. God knows your heart posture. Stop trying to be something that you’ll never achieve.
I feel like I’ve took so many rabbit trails, but that’s ok. I think it well represents this past year.
(Myself with the Martinez family in January)
Even on my worst days, I hear God say, “There’s still Hope.”
It’s ok to not be ok.
It’s ok to be broken.
It’s ok to fight with God.
Sometimes, because a car accident has left you paralyzed, you’ve been rocked by an earthquake, or just because life has become too much, just as the song says, “our feet may fail.”
Take heart though, my friends… Jesus never has and He never will.
And if you can’t believe that, that’s ok. You will in time.
Love y’all.
P.S. Thanks for all the love, support and prayers.
