Written Friday, June 8th, 2012
We just returned from the mall a few hours ago. On Fridays we have the opportunity to do street evangelism and then we head to the shopping mall to get free Wifi since we don’t have it at our ministry this month. I was so excited to get internet today and get my messages from back home. It’s always an encouragement to get my Facebook posts and all that good stuff, but today wasn’t one of those days you hope for when you jump online.
Since arriving here in Honduras, I haven’t been sleeping the best in the world (and I can literally say that now having slept all over the world). I constantly toss and turn and keep waking up numerous times during the night. I’ve had I’m not sure how many dreams in the past week. Some good, some bad, but last night one of my dreams was about my dog at my Nanny and Pappy’s house. One of the best dogs a guy could ask for. There is just something about a boy and his dog, that women can’t begin to understand. Every little boy needs a good dog. Lucky for me I got him in the 6th grade while I was volunteering at the local human society in Franklin and I remember it like it was yesterday…
I was helping volunteer there for the day with my buddy, Adam. I seen this one dog and immediately called my Nanny to tell her she needed to adopt him. So, she showed up and I brought the dog out to see her. About that same time, one of the workers walks out the door and informs me that that specific dog was already claimed. Pretty bummed out at that moment, I start to take the dog inside and Nanny asks me if they have any other small dogs, so I told her I would check. Sure enough, they had another little, brown, stumpy, furry ball of a dog, with a massive under-bite. Not a “purdy” little feller to say the least, but nonetheless I took him outside, and Nanny said we could take him home. Shortly after arriving we decided on a name, and from then on we called him “Bruno.”
As crazy as it is to think about, that was 12 years ago, but when I think about it, it seems like just yesterday. Anyways, while I was at the mall, I called Nanny to see how my family was doing, and asked her about Bruno. She quickly tried to avoid the subject (like any good Grandmother would do), and I asked again. After some reluctance, she told me the news. Bruno was gone. Instantly my heart broke and it was all I could do to not cry like a baby in the middle of the mall.
Fast forward…
I’m currently just coming in from being outside on the property here at Zion’s Gate Ministries. It was one of those nights where you really just need alone time to pray, process, and think. It wasn’t an easy day. Not only did I find out about Bruno, but even more heartbreaking, my team leader, Jenn, has been sick today, so she didn’t get to go to town. During my time at the mall, I received a message from her family, asking me to inform her that she needed to call home ASAP because her Uncle Kenny had passed away unexpectedly. Not the kind of news anyone wants to hear anytime, but especially while overseas.
I’m learning some hard life lessons this year. Lessons that every little boy eventually has to learn whether he likes it or not. It just sucks somedays to be frank with you. So for the past little bit, what did I do? I’ve been setting outside under the treehouse in the yard, swinging on the swing. Did I cry? You darn right I cried, like a stinkin’ baby. Why? It hurts. It breaks my heart. My heart hurts for Jenn, knowing that her Uncle has passed, and knowing what that feels like personally. It hurts for the things I’ve experienced this year and seen. The millions of people without Jesus Christ. It hurts for all those hurting, and the little boy inside of me hurts, knowing that home won’t be the same without that little, brown, fuzz-ball that I fell in love with over the years. Some people might think this is childish, and that’s ok, but I’m just being transparent with you and telling you what the Lord is working in my life and where I’m at right now. I think that is completely 100% ok.
God has changed my life this past 10 months while being out here. So many things have changed that I cannot begin to tell you or list them all. Deep rooted sin has been uprooted, lies have been confronted and rebuked, chains have been broken, and true transformation has taken place. And part of that transformation is from EVERYTHING I’ve experienced this year. It has completely molded and shaped my life and my race. The good aspects and the negative aspects as well. When I started this race, I knew I was leaving behind everything familiar to me that I’d ever known. It scared the crap out of me if I’m being honest with you. I knew coming into this there were pieces of my life that were not ok and that the Lord needed to change, because it was heading no-where good. We all have them. The funny thing is, I continued to hold on to “THAT THING” even 6, 7, 8 months into the journey. It was the thing I gravitated to for comfort, instead of clinging to Jesus. Everything else in my life was looking different, but “THAT THING” was still holding me down. Last month and this month though, that all changed. God is freeing me in so many unbelievable ways. Even ways I’m not completely sure of myself yet.
Tonight, as I set under the tree, swinging, listing to music, praying, reflecting, and crying, I couldn’t help but think about what my life looked like 10 months ago. I was a different person completely, and as I thought about it, I walked to the middle of the field, looked up at the massive moon in the Honduran sky, and stood in awe of our Creator, praising Him for our mountains and our valleys. The Creator who took this old mound of clay, molded it, held it up, and then He dropped it… Why? Does God say “Oops”? Nope, I don’t buy that for one second, but rather because He knows what is best for me. He is constantly molding and reshaping our lives to look more like Him.
We are merely clay in The Potters hands…
Love y’all.
P.S. Thanks for following my journey. You will never know how much each of you mean to me and have a part in my story and I’m forever grateful. Who would have ever thought that a small town boy like me would have such an incredible opportunity to go out and help change the world, and in the midst of that journey, be completely changed himself? I don’t understand why the Lord uses me the way he does, but I’m thankful He chooses too.
