I love to sing but I lack confidence in my voice, especially when leading worship.
Last month in Mozambique I was asked to lead worship for my squad one evening by my squad leader Renee. Even though I love to sing, my heart fearfully contemplated accepting her request. I used to lead worship at my church back home and when I first started I was really vulnerable and insecure about my voice. As much as I tried to fake confidence, when it came down to singing in the microphone I held back, a lot.
Because of my timidity and caution in the beginning I became the receiving end of many negative jokes and was picked on by other members of the youth worship band. Jokes were made about my voice cracking or my inability to sing strongly into the mic. With each joke my insecurities grew, my mind was filled with the truths that these people declared about me. I was young and I took it personally. I felt rejected, inadequate but most of all I felt like I couldn’t sing at all and therefore I shouldn’t.
In trying to get over my fears I accepted Renee’s request and spent part of the day prayerfully figuring out what to lead. I don’t play any instruments so in choosing what to sing I chose to lead a capella, which in my mind would inevitably bring more focus to my vocal flaws. I led that night from a place of fear, I didn’t let anyone’s affirmation or feedback take root in my heart because I had learned the easiest way to avoid pain was to deflect what others say and never believe the words of others, even if they are words from God.
This month in Swaziland there have been many instances where my friends have asked me, sometimes begged me, to sing or lead worship for the group. I have been obedient to their requests but unsure of what they actually believe about me. My past pains have taught me to overanalyze situations or words and there is a big part of my heart that is convinced they are seeking to be “a nice Christian” by falsely encouraging me to sing.
And over the last few weeks they continue to speak life into me by specifically encouraging my voice. I have repeatedly heard from different people that I need to have confidence in my gift of a beautiful voice. They say I need use this beautiful gift that God has blessed me with and not hide it.
The funny thing is, their words are starting to get to me. They are starting to mend my heart, they are speaking truth and words from God that somehow is getting to me and I am actually starting to believe them. Because of that I have started dreaming again, dreaming about leading worship, dreaming really big things that are scary to admit. Dreaming that worship might even be my ministry that I seek after the race.
Through all this I see that God is seeking to redeem worship for me because he is a God of redemption.
