Dancing with the Holy Spirit

I have been a very fearful person for most of my life.  I've been afraid of what others think of me, afraid of looking foolish, afraid of being wrong, afraid of letting others down, afraid of letting go, etc.  You name it and I have probably been fearful of it at some point in my life.

This fear has led me to put on masks to hide who I really am so that others would not be able to judge the real me but merely judge the imitation I allowed them to see.  I put on masks to cover myself. I put on masks to protect myself.  

God has revealed many of these masks to me over time and I have been able to slowly peel back layer upon layer of them gently with his help.  But as I return home from training camp I realize that I have just as easily put on masks in my relationship with Him as I have in my relationships with others.

I have been hiding myself from God.  I have been trying to protect myself from the perfect Protector because I have wrongfully feared his rejection.

I realized this one night at training camp when we were singing in worship, others around me started to dance and freely move in response to the Lord and the Spirit in them.  But I remained frozen.

Here is the thing, I LOVE TO DANCE.  I had been dancing all week long with my team just for fun and I love to have dance parties with my roommates at home.  But I remained frozen when it came to dancing with the Holy Spirit.

The speaker encouraged the group to dance that night and show their love in this way but I just stood there and refused to dance.  I felt God asking me to join in and dance, but I told him no.  As I said no, my mind jumped back to a conversation I had with God this spring where I felt that he was telling me he wanted to teach me how to dance with him, with his Holy Spirit.  I remembered arguing with him and telling him I was afraid of looking stupid. I was afraid of looking stupid and losing control of myself in worship.  

There it was again, fear, but this time it was directed towards God and him not accepting me without my masks, in being out of control and allowing the Holy Spirit to lead me. If I were to dance in worship, it wouldn't be in my control but out of surrender to the Holy Spirit.  By allowing the Spirit to lead it would be vulnerable, authentic, broken and real. Sort of like me without the masks.

I would love to tell you that I realized this and started to dance, but I didn't.  I allowed myself to stay in the fear that I felt, the fear of losing control, the fear of surrender.  But I look back in convinction and I pray that God gives me faith to trust him more, to surrender my masks to him.  To allow the Holy Spirit to lead me and teach me to dance.  

I pray that as I open and share myself with you and the Lord during this journey, God would use my words to speak with you and teach you more of who he is.  Do you hide yourself from others by using masks?  Do you seek to protect yourself from God because you are afraid of his rejection?  Is he asking you to dance with him?