One thing I was excited about for the world race was the ability to let my hair GROW. Before I left people asked me multiple times if I was cutting my hair shorter and I passionately explained to each of them that my hair would be LONG. I would not cut my hair on the race.
(my friend Kelly and I in Cape Town, South Africa in March)
One reason for this conviction was that in my eyes long hair is the epitome of BEAUTY. The longer and thicker a woman’s hair the more beautiful and feminine she is. I imagined that in the Garden of Eden Eve’s hair was waist length, luscious and flowing as the embodiment of beauty, she must have had gorgeous hair. I mean when you think of women you think long hair. Movies and T.V. shows are filled with girls that have perfect long styled hair that never seems to look messy. (EX. Regina George… I heard her hair was insured for $10,000)
But why was I holding so TIGHTLY to this concept this idol that I could not and would not release by cutting my hair?
Well Jesus revealed to me really quickly in the last few weeks how desperately I was grasping this idol and this piece of my heart and myself that I was unwilling to surrender.
In India I was the first person to discover that I had lice and during the month of April there was one night where I had 13 living lice bugs on my scalp that were picked off and killed. Eventually we realized that most of the women at our ministry had lice so we underwent lice treatment by sitting with lard on our heads for 12 hours. Leaving India we thought it was gone for most of us, myself included but apparently I was very wrong.
(Attempting to kill the lice on our heads by suffocating them with 12 hours of lard)
One night at the end of May I was eating dinner with my friends when I realized my head was really itchy so I dug in my hair and pulled out a LARGE and LIVING lice bug. I was disgusted and appalled. How long had there been lice living in my head? The next few nights I started attacking it and treating it by doing EVERYTHING I could possibly think of. I sat with mayonnaise on my head, I bought lice shampoo, I attempted to pick all the nits out but nothing was working.
Finally at the end of my rope after numerous sleepless nights I sat in my bed staring at the ceiling and begging God to get rid of the lice for me, it never seemed to stop itching and the bugs just kept coming off my head. I had enough.
A still small voice whispered, “You are holding on TOO tightly and I wanted your attention.” I asked God, “What am I holding onto I have given you this year, my life and my future, but what more could you want?”
He said, “I want all of you.”
On our first day at debrief I remembered as four people over four hours sat picking through my head that I had told God I would NOT cut my hair. I was holding on too tightly. He wanted to fill me and have all of me but I wasn’t letting him.
So with tears in my eyes I decided that the next day, which happened to be my 22 birthday, I would release these things to him. As I was journaling out my thoughts I wrote 6 reasons why I shaved my head to look back on when I regretted my decision.
(The process by which I rid myself of my luxurious locks)
Here are those reasons:
1. Jesus told me to.
Why?
2. To surrender EVERYTHING to him in order to take on HIS identity for me.
3. To release the need to be accepted by OTHER’S standards because I am accepted by the Lord.
4. To release the need to by UNDERSTOOD.
5. To see that my beauty DOES NOT lie in my appearance.
6. For FREEDOM, from myself & idols & FEAR.
After the fact I realized the lice was just the way that God wanted to get my attention and see that I DON’T NEED HAIR to dictate that I am a woman, and his daughter. I am these things because he created me as that. No one can tell me who I am except for my Heavenly Father, the Creator and Sustainer.
My identity is in Christ alone.
& you know what, I am starting to believe it.
