It’s a scary thing to see your heart for what it is. To see the glorification and elevation of self at the root of nearly all your thoughts and actions. To see your own “good works” exposed as filthy rags. To see how deep your sin really goes.
That is exactly where I found myself in Burma at the end of month 2. I had been praying “Jesus, make me more like you”. I guess I just didn’t think it would get this ugly–that I was that bad. Just a glimpse into my own depravity was more than sufficient to convince me.
It was no doubt a very difficult season. At points, I feared the weight of my sin might actually crush me back into the dust I had come from. But the Lord is faithful, and it was His grace that allowed me to go through it all.
After I had swum out of my self-produced sea of tears, I was left clinging to that grace with all my strength. What else did I have to hold onto?
I learned in that time that there is something exceedingly and uniquely beautiful about knowing the depths of your sin coupled with access to limitless grace. As sin attempts to overwhelm and conquer, the power of grace and the love of the grace-giver is accentuated.
As unpleasant as that experience was for me, it gave me sober vision to see the extent of my need for a savior and resulted in me treasuring mine like never before.
A natural byproduct of that was my new inability to tolerate much of the sin that had gone unbridled in my life for years. How could I? I had seen its destructive and malicious nature. I had seen it for the grievance that it really was. This sin was the very thing Jesus had paid so high a price to free me from, and it was the very thing that continued to threaten the intimacy I so deeply desired with my heavenly father. The lines had been clearly draw. Compromise was no longer an option.
The problem is I have spent my entire life cultivating my ability to rationalize. For me, justifying actions in direct disobedience to God’s Word is child’s play and can be done without a second thought. To put it candidly, it is simply insignificant to convince myself that what I am doing has merit if it has direct personal benefit.
But as I have sought to eradicate my sin, I have felt the Lord gently ask me to look at the trends of my life. It is easy to justify the single action; however, by taking a larger sample size I could not deny the numerous habits and behaviors in my life that were done out of selfish ambition and vain conceit. That were sinful.
This may sound depressing and self-deprecating but this realization has been a cause for immense joy in my life. After all, the Lord is answering my prayer. He is refining me–making me more like Himself.
The Lord actually promises to discipline his children because he is a good father. It is not punishment, but rather proof of my sonship driven not by shame or guilt but simply the kindness of God.
Hebrews 12 says “For what son is there whom his father does not discipline…[The Lord] disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness”.
His discipline is life-giving not life-taking.
Throughout this process of sanctification, I am realizing more and more I am not making sacrifices but instead relieving myself of unnecessary weight.
1 Peter 2:1 says
“Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy and slander of every kind.”
The Greek word used for rid is “apotithemi” and can also be translated as “unload”. If there is one thing the World Race has taught me, it is that when you are going on a journey you want to be carrying as little as possible. Your ability to walk or even just move is severely limited by the amount of weight you have to carry.
The Lord is showing me that I have been carrying a weight in my sin that I was never meant to carry. The very things I feel I need to do to make my life easy, comfortable and enjoyable are actually hindering me from what I really want.
He is simply asking me to cease carrying the unnecessary weight–to unload.
“For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30)
In His freedom we are able to heed Paul’s charge in 1 Corinthians 9, “to run [the race] in such a way as to win the prize”
I’ve joked a lot about winning the World Race. Unfortunately it’s not something you can really do (although they should look into it) but I want to “run” the second half of my Race as if I can.
I want to use these next 5 months to establish precedents that will last the rest of my life. I don’t want to come home the same. I don’t want to be the same as I was yesterday. I’ve taken an active role in the battle between the Spirit and my flesh because I have grown to hate my sin out of the riches of love my Father has shown me.
I am beginning to know what it truly feels like to run unhindered with all my strength towards the True Prize, and I’m never looking back.
