This one is not quite as pretty or colorful as the first side.
No, this one is a little more raw. Because while everything "for all outward appearances" were great and beautiful… I was not. I think it started early on in the Race. I had not been feeling close to God. I held onto what I knew and continued to push through towards the Race; clinging to who He is and what He's done for me. But my strength was fading.
I didn't hear God, I didn't feel Him. I was seeing Him move, but because I couldn't feel it for myself, I started to wonder about the truth of it. And I still would not face these feelings, because with doubt came fear and shame.
Then I got sick.
After 8-10 hour days and constantly being with at least four other people, I was completely alone. Just me, my questions, my doubt, my shame, my anger, and depression that had started to take over. I felt empty. I didn't want to do anything. I felt numb and possibly like the worst hypocrite ever. Here I was, asking for support, leaving my family, leaving everything to share the truth and love of God and I couldn't even feel or believe it for myself anymore.
I tried to distract myself with wifi. I finally skyped my mom. I had hoped for a simple conversation, something to keep my mind busy and the chaos in my head to a minimum. But I couldn't hold back as I talked to her. The truth came up along with a lot of tears, anger, and finally the realization of what was happening. As I started to talk about it and really voice my questions, I remembered what I knew. I remembered who I knew. I remembered seeing broken bones healed, I remembered seeing my own family restored, I remembered the presence of God as I laid on my best friends bed, silently crying out to Him in darkness. I remembered the storm in my life being calmed, not by change of circumstance but by truth; the truth that I was now turning away from because of shame.
WHO we serve is the God who Created the Universe.
He created us with the purpose to know Him and be known by Him.
He doesn't keep us from questioning, and He doesn't shield us from doubt. God is pretty sure of Himself. He doesn't fear our doubt. Because when we take that doubt to Him; when we seek Him out, He answers. I spent the next two days truly seeking Him out, and He let me struggle through it. There was no release of the darkness, there was no huge breakthrough like I've had in the past and hoped for desperately. But I knew where my foundation was. Beyond the shadow of doubt. I began to study not only the Word, but Buddhism, Hinduism, and other religions. He doesn't shield us from these things. He WANTS us to find truth. And I knew that I had.
But there was still no release.
I spent days apologizing and trying to repent for something I had no clue I had done–the reason God was mad at me and not meeting me as I sought Him out; why it was not just a daily challenge but hourly challenge to choose Him and take my doubts, questions, and fears to Him and to trust. If you have ever heard the Spirit or experienced Him (or even the enemy I guess) supernaturally, then you will know what I'm talking about when I say, He finally answered. Firmly, loudly answered.
Although there has still been no BAM moment, no "breakthrough" and it is a choice to seek Him out, He finally revealed this season. He loves to touch us, He loves to speak to us and be with us, but He loves to let us chase Him. He is delighted by our pursuit of Him as I said in my last post, not because we want what comes with Him (the Spirit, healing, crazy stuff like that..), but we just want HIM. To follow not because of what we want or what we think we need or how we feel, but simply because we know Him. I am still having to study, to learn, to push through and as much as it can suck, I can now see the beauty rising from the ashes of my casual faith as He burnt it to the ground. As He turned all the sparkle and height into rubble, right down to its foundation. Right to His heart.
Thanks for reading. Sorry, I know it was long! I hope this encourages some of you. And please keep myself and my team in your prayers! We're only in debrief and already God has been up to some crazy stuff here in Cambodia! Reminder: I still need a little over $3000 by the end of December to be fully funded!
