I had a minor meltdown the other night, minutes before I
turned 25. I sat in my mosquito net, in a house tucked away in the swamps of
Africa, and lost it as the reality of the life I was sitting in hit me.
Like a freaking semi-truck, it floored me. Where I was, who I
was, who I was surrounded by, who I wasn’t, the friends I was missing, the life
I once knew, the new one staring me in the face, the complacency that was
possible because of my former ignorance and the immense responsibility that has
come with seeing the worlds brokenness. All the stuff that had been building
inside, breaking off and swirling around me for 8 months, settled.
It settled in my spirit so intensely I could taste it.
My whole life, 25 in my mind, was the adult year. You can only
ride the adolescent, “college age” wave for so long. My self proclaimed cut off
was 25. This was the year I thought people started making decisions that would
effect them forever. Marriage, investments, where to live, kids, church home…. You
know planting roots.
I always knew that this was gonna be the pivotal year. I had
NO idea though that it was gonna be like this. There’s no man in my life. I
want nothing to do with investments at the moment. Where I live feels like it
could change every year for the rest of my life and that would be ok. Kids are
so far in the future and a church home is merely a posturing of my soul near
brothers and sisters who battle together for the Kingdom of God to be realized
on earth and in one another.
I realized that this is that year, but it looks nothing like
what I thought it would. Its pivotal because I’m making a decision to live on
purpose and out loud for the Kingdom of God. Its pivotal because I’m making a decision
to abandon everything on the alter that took any piece of the space that was
designed for the Lord. Its pivotal because I have decided to proclaim Heavens
reality on earth until its realized. Its pivotal because I desire now to live a
life in complete submission to the will of God. I desire now to live a life
totally dependent on His provision. I want to live a life so laid down, so
surrendered, that unless I choose Him and His power each morning I suffocate…
unless His grace and love show up… I’m empty.
I hit this point of grieving not being home with my “family”
on this day, while being met with the very new reality of the last 2 weeks of
revelation and freedom. It hit me that there’s no where else in the world I’d
rather be than in Africa, surrounded by these people, in this moment, operating
out of the freedom it took me 7 hellacious months to receive!
I‘m Here.
I‘m Free.
I‘m Whole.
I’m New.
Nothing satisfies like my savior anymore. I have tasted and
seen that He is good and everything else pales in comparison. It all has its
rightful place- full of wonder, awe, joy, laughter, deliciousness, friendship…
ect. But it all- finally– falls far
short of my Dad…. of the satiating fullness of Gods goodness and Glory!!!
As I looked at the people around me I realized I was
surrounded by people that are relentless after who God is and who He has made
them to be. Who take God at His word when He commands His followers to heal the
sick, cast out demons, and raise the dead (Mat 10:8). I am ushering in this 25th
year with a new friend named Joseph that was jailed 5 years ago in Tanzania for
meeting with members of parliament and petitioning for Tanzania to not become
an Islamic state (which he accomplished by the way, and is about to fight for
again in the upcoming elections in Oct). He was stoned a few years later for going
into a muslim village and sharing the love of Christ… I want to be as radical
as Joseph. I want to be that sure of the Gospel I live for that I’m willing to
die for it just so others can know the love I have known in the Father.
This is who I want to be. This is who I realize I am now. God took my
old smelly, dirty chacos that were functional and good enough for a while, and
He traded them in for a brand new pair of shiny red stilettos.
I was always made for these high heels that are strong, beautiful,
feminine and challenging. I was always made to walk in these shoes. They’re
intimidating because they feel way too grown up for me and way out of my league… but for the first time I realize that this is
what I was made for.
This is my identity. This is what God is calling me to. To be
bold and caring. To be strong and feminine. To be discipled and to disciple. To
fight for love and to fight for justice amongst depravity.
God’s chorus and anthem He has sung over me and my life is
this:
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord
has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up
the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from
darkness the prisoners…”
Isaiah 61:1
My favorite birthday present of all time are my red high
heels.
