Exactly a year ago today, God changed my heart for a nation that I now call home; a nation full of color, curry and crazy stories….the one, the only Ind*a.
Sitting on a stone plate, trying not to let my new punjabi fall victim to the red curry sauce I had dripping from my mouth, which at this point was on fire, I contemplated this new desire and what it would mean for me and my life here on earth.
Would I do anything about it?
Would I commit?
Would I be willing to say “No” to many good things, in order to say “Yes” to the best?
Without fail, God gave me a resounding OF COURSE YOU WILL!!
There was no other option for me….I knew that God had blessed me with the opportunity to truly feel what love meant. When I looked into the eyes of a 17 year old girl I met that night in the village and prayed for her schooling I felt overwhelming love for her. When I picked up a little boy who had lost all feeling in his legs and got around solely by using a plastic gocart toy meant for a child half his age, I felt overwhelming love for him. When the guy that sold me bananas and chipati every day made the same joke about it costing 600 ruppees instead of 60, I laughed and felt overwhelming love for him too. SO MUCH LOVE. so little doubt.
So, here I am. Im sitting on our couch, in our trailer where i’ve lived for the past 3 months preparing to go back and serve in this incredible country. The fact that we are going so soon is dawning on me and in some ways it’s hitting me really hard.
About 4 weeks ago, I started having a lot of anxiety about applying for our 10 year Indian Visa. If you’ve never applied for it before, let me tell you…its no picnic. At first, I thought this anxiety was just residual from the last time I applied for my visa…which, was extremely difficult and exhausting but in the end God worked a miracle and literally got it to my home the day after I called the embassy and was told that it hadn’t even been processed yet.
Trying to avoid the same anxiety, I took this feeling and did everything I could to prevent a mishap. I wanted to be responsible and do everything right so God wouldn’t have to work a miracle again, he could just chill and I could just sit back and relax while my perfect visa application was perfectly processed.
Well. That didn’t happen.
Two nights ago I had a horrible dream. Basically, the visa application came back denied and all of my world race stamps had been stamped over with “VOID”. I woke up in such panic, and in so much fear. The next day, I went online to check the status of my visa only to find out that there was no record of it going past Fedex.
Tonight I got a call that said my visa application that I sent 2 weeks ago never even made it to the application center. In fact, it is sitting somewhere in some distribution center that fedex has unable to be tracked even with the tracking number and receipt in hand. It has fallen into the purgatory of visa applications…my passport, my $136, my personal information….all of it. I did everything “right” in my mind… I prayed over the application, I spent a week going over every detail of every page, I sent it in with plenty of time to process and still…it turned out less than ideal.
Distraught, I spent a good portion of tonight wallowing in self pity because I felt like I deserved for this one thing to go right…I deserved to have a good visa experience….I mean, I’ve already been called and have committed to move to India, right?!
if you remember “sadness” from Inside Out. That’s basically how I was feeling tonight haha
Thankfully, I was with 2 incredible friends when this went down and they didn’t let me stay in that place. My friend Matt challenged me to realize the death I was speaking over my life by assuming this trial was meant to harm me and not benefit be….he challenged me to change my speech from apathy and disappointment into boldness and belief.
Just because I didn’t want God to have to work a miracle again for me to get to Ind*a, doesn’t mean that he also felt that was necessary. When I am weak, he is made strong…and right now, i’m feeling really really really weak haha. This would be the perfect opportunity for him to work a miracle and teach me a lesson along the way! My other friend, Piva, prayed an incredible blessing over me and my visa…that it would be found, processed and taken care of…she rebuked the spiritual attacks from the enemy in trying to keep me from getting to India and trying to keep me in a position of self pity and disbelief.
I’d love to say that I could have stepped into this on my own, but tonight I really needed my friends…and they were certainly there for me. To remind me, of how LOVED I am by God. To recall the miracles he has done for me in the past and will do for me in the future because I am worth it to him. He delights in taking on my deepest fears and worries because he knows I crumble underneath their weight while he stands firm, strong and unshaken.
While my flesh is still scared, I know that God has more for me and he has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and love and sound mind.
Will you also pray with me? God answers prayers. Things shift when we pray and right now, I need you my brothers and sisters to help me stay out of fear and step into the believe that God is going to work a miracle here again.
My Visa will be approved.
My Passport will be found.
I will go home again.
This is Piva, Matt and I after they prayed for me tonight. Im truly thankful for them!
