Prayerfully, I decided to spend a lot of time reflecting on a couple of the darkest weeks of my life which coincidentally happened while on the race. Six months later, here is my best effort of putting that reflection on paper. Future racers, I pray that you would get something out of this reflection and enter your race free of limitations!
THE TRIAL
It was late. I was alone. Sprawled out on a dusty mattress pad surrounded by a colony of loyal Botswanan spiders, metal desks and lockers; camp equipment that had long been abandoned by our ministry hosts. Aside from the tears that consistently streamed from my face and the gasps of breath caught between, my field squad mentor, Megan’s own desperate prayers and tear-filled phone calls to the U.S which echoed across the cement walls; the silence of our shared space was overwhelming. As a result of some kind of vote by some fellow squad-mates, the two of us had been sent to stay in what was referred to as “the dungeon”, our new home for the start of month 9 on the race, located on the opposite side of the compound from the teams we were visiting.
When you are about to embark on this 11 month, 11 country journey, you are told over and over that “alone time” would be hard to find…but in this moment and the many moments that preceded and followed, I’d never felt more alone in my life. In fact, I felt more than alone, I felt abandoned, forgotten and unfairly judged…by my friends in the midst of external processing, by complete strangers who chose to respond to emotional outbursts online and worst of all, by myself. So many people that I had lived life with, cherished and loved for 9 months of my life seemed to have forgotten my character and lost trust in my heart for them.
While I knew that I was still supported and loved by many, the slew of disappointed and angry messages I came across every time I picked up my phone had me convinced that I had failed to be a good leader to my squad. My entire life I’ve been told that I had a “natural ability to lead”… I had never publicly felt disliked by anyone nor defeated by my peers in any capacity. Little did I know that my lack of interaction with what society defined as “failure” growing up in school, in my mind, had given me permission to build my goals on a foundation of pride and self glorification. This wasn’t something I was even aware of, until this exact moment when I laid on this mattress staring at the ceiling, realizing this foundation of pride was what led to such an abrupt change of course on my race. Doubled over in pain, trying not to wake Megan, my heart physically hurting as I thought of all the friendships I no longer had.. .and all the people whose opinions of me I held even more highly than the truths the Lord would speak over me as I read through the book of James…catching myself literally begging God not to leave me too. Although I knew deep down, that he never would, these desperate prayers seemed to flow forcefully from my lips as if it were my last dying wish, wanting the reassurance of knowing when I woke up in the morning, I would at least have him. And let me tell you, without the capability to reach out to my support system back home or be able to explain details of a situation I wasn’t even sure I fully understood myself yet, being the only squad leader left on the field, was…scary. Time had seemed to fly past me, yet also put on the illusion of lasting much longer than normal. Through this, knowing that HE was all I needed was the only thing that gave me the strength to walk out of that “dungeon” every day and greet my friends some of whom, overnight, had seemingly become nothing more than acquaintances.
I realize that as you are reading this raw blog representing my mind’s processing in a final stage of a 6 month healing process, you probably have no idea as to exactly what led up to this extreme night of desperation and solitude 6 months ago. It is not my intention to reopen old wounds nor expose dirty laundry and since I trust that my squad (the majority) have been able to seek healing for this difficult season we endured together, I have no interest in discussing the details any further…but when you put forty some strangers together on a trek around the world, you’re bound to run into some kind of hiccup so instead, I’ll tell you what I learned from this so that you, as you prepare to go on the race, might be able to gain something from it as well.
THE REFLECTION
The World Race will never be to you, what you expect or even completely want for it to be. Even though I couldn’t see it then, I wanted a year that modeled itself after every other year I had ever lived. I wanted friends, because I enjoyed the ones I had and welcomed more! I wanted adventure, because I loved trying new things and looked expectantly into the unknown. I wanted excitement, adrenaline and danger because who applying for this crazy thing doesn’t? And although these adjectives don’t seem “safe”. ..that’s exactly what they were to me. They represented all the things I loved more than I loved Jesus. And because Jesus loves me more than I could ever begin to know, in the end he introduced me to a season where these things that I had prayed for were not available. In order to give me what I needed, he set me up in a season stripped of my securities, having to wholly lean on him and no one else because for the FIRST time in my life there was no one else to lean on or guard me from the sin of people pleasing that had consumed my every thought. Through that season in Botswana, God stretched me and molded me into a more loving sister, a stronger leader, someone who will extend grace instead of hoard it and will repeatedly chose to hide behind Jesus because that’s where the TRUE firm foundation lies. Those 2 weeks changed the trajectory of rest of my entire life and I believe the same was true for a lot of my squad mates as well, we ended the last two months in my opinion more full of freedom and grace than I had seen in the previous 9…he was faithful and just to complete in us the work he began…praise the lamb!
Future Racers, you too will come across moments when you feel completely alone…obviously, I did as well…but God never left me, and he will never leave you…that’s a promise. Endure the hardships, ask God what he is teaching you through it, read the book of James over and over, listen to Jake Hamilton songs and never forget the truth of Colossians 3:3 “For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God”, because when you wake up every day as if you died the day before and have been given the gift of life one more time, it’s a lot more difficult to waste that gift…and for us world racers, in reality, that gift is our race.
