This month I am working in the office at Hope Church with our ministry contact Raul. One of my jobs is helping plan and organize Draganesti’s side of the Parent Vision Trip. This is a week where a lot of our parents will be coming to join us for ministry, and it will be taking place here, in Romania, in the next few weeks. When I first heard about this job I was excited because I thought that what I would be doing would be solving a big puzzle but with people. Well, that isn’t exactly what it has turned out to be… with each day that passes I have felt more life sucked out of me. I know, I know, this may be a bit on the dramatic side, but stick with me.
This morning when I was getting ready to go to the office, I was done. Done with the ministry and done with the country; I had no desire to do anything. Of course the German side of me would never let me give up, or throw in the towel so early in the fight, but that doesn’t make the struggle any less real. As I spent time in prayer this morning my mind was at war with itself. One side focused on me, how I was feeling and my opinion of the month. The other side flipped through comparisons and was saying “good grief Diann its not like you are Paul and being thrown into prison or ship wrecked again”. This is one month…a job, no a ministry, that you are fully equipped for and is making life so much easier for those around you, so what is your problem?”
After lunch I was in the office talking to Addison and Sarah, verbally processing through my thoughts as tears trickled down my face. Before our conversation was finished Raul walked in, looked at me and ask me what he could do for me. Before I knew it I was sharing with him as well. Then he asked me, “is it better for you to suffer and everyone else to be good, or for you to be good and everyone else suffer”.
Who is going to die? Someone has too, you can’t have both. The next question that Raul asked me was, “to what percentage do you think you have effected me, and everyone else involved in PVT?”, “how many people do you think what you are doing effects?”.
“and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer.” (2 Corinthians 5:15, 16 ESV)
“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. The crowd that stood there and heard it said that it had thundered. Others said, “An angel has spoken to him.” (John 12:24, 25, 29 ESV)
No, I don’t enjoy what I am doing any more than I did before.
Yes, I would have finished what I had started whether I had this conversation with Raul or not.
No, he didn’t tell me anything that I didn’t already known deep down.
Yes, my perspective has changed and my attitude has done a 180 degree turn.
Dying to self and living for the one who died and was raised for our sake, is a daily thing. Sometime it looks like letting a child throw up all over you, then poop on you all while you are comforting them and telling them that it will be okay while visiting the village in Cambodia. Sometimes it looks like giving up your comfort for the sake of someone else while traveling overnight on a crowded bus. And sometimes it is doing something that you are good at but don’t enjoy doing, even if it feels as if life is being drained out of you through your toes. But who are you living for? Yourself? Or the one who died and was raised for our sake?
“I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls. If I love you more, am I to be loved less?” (2 Corinthians 12:15 ESV)
