“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
Jeremiah 17:7-8
Sometimes it hurts to breathe. That most essential basic function of life can cause me so much pain.
My last semester at college, I pulled my upper right abdominal muscle. Those of you who are scientific out there probably know the proper name for it. All I know is it hurt. I couldn’t sit, sneeze, go to the bathroom, twist, sleep on my side, run, laugh, or breathe deeply without feeling excruciating pain. Apart from the breathing, the laughing was the most unfortunate. I hadn’t realized how many times a day an opportunity to laugh presented itself until I had to brace myself for any humor that might catch me off guard. Let me just say, I failed miserably, which at the time was a bad thing, but looking back on it, I am so glad I got to be a part of those moments.
Running hurt because it required me to breathe deeply. I had unconsciously found a way to breathe without hurting. If I only took shallow breaths, than I wouldn’t have to involve my ab, and I could be free of pain. But when I run, and my ability to get oxygen decreases, I need to take deeper breaths to get enough air. So my solution? Well, recently it has been not to run. It’s painful, uncomfortable, it requires too much of me. But you can ask anybody around me… I’m a better person as a runner hahaha. Not only do I feel better, I think better. Running is one of my acts of worship.
I am leaving for the World Race in 12 days. My feet are rolling on the edge of the cliff that is next year, and so much is going to change. And in this time, I find myself grasping desperately onto everything I know will be gently pulled from my grips in less than two weeks. One of those things is running… unless I can find a way to run in India without showing my ankles hahaha. As I ran today, I was struck by the eternal power of God. I thought about leaving soon, about what I was giving up, and about what battles I would face while I am away.
I’ve been reading Harry Potter recently. I just finished book four, where (spoilers, I am sorry!) Voldemort rises to power again. Seriously, he is terrifying. Rowling seems to hold nothing back in her description of the evil that Voldemort is capable of. He is the embodiment of everything that makes me shudder. Stories like Harry Potter are powerful, not because they themselves are true, but because they reveal to us the truth about the world around us, and who we have been created to be. Voldemort’s power is real, but it is not Voldemort who holds it. There is a force who holds control of this earth, in whom no source of goodness can be found. And the fear that I felt reading that section is nowhere near the paralyzing fear that I used to feel when I thought about dueling the devil.
I’d be foolish to say, in this next year, we won’t have to fight spiritual battles against the enemy. They’ve already begun. My squad has been under attack since training camp. In my team alone, loved ones have died unexpectedly, we’ve been attacked by believing we are not enough, one girl has a rare disease she just found out about, another pulled her quad and is on bed rest for the next week, my stomach pain is “randomly” back, and we are leaving a mission field here at home fearing that God won’t be faithful in pulling our family and friends back to himself. In my experience, the enemy attacks people who are dangerous where they are most vulnerable. And as much as I’d love to believe this is the end of all of it, I know we will only face more hardships and temptations as we actively strive to be Jesus to all we come in contact with.
But the story never ends there. Even as the book ends, and I sit on the edge of my seat, realizing that everything I know is about to change in the lives of the characters I have come to love, the story is not over. And as the story progresses, as we continue to live our lives in the narrative that our God is writing, pain becomes increasingly more present. Because in the fight against evil, in order to win, it will always cost us something on our end, and cost is painful.
I have a choice. I can pretend that this war isn’t happening. I can breathe shallowly in the Spirit and skate by, hoping to get enough oxygen to keep my body moving. Or, I can suck in that deep breath from the Father, wince at the excruciating pain of surrendering my comfort zone, of picking up my cross and following Him, and embrace a life lived in the power of the Spirit.
Breathing deeply in Jesus hurts, but it’s what I have to do to be fully alive.
“It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.”
