This is not easy, but necessary. This is something I have needed to do for a long time but I allowed fear to hold me back. This is REAL. This is RAW. This is VULNERABLE. This is HARD. This is me POURED OUT. But, today I punch fear in the face and lay everything on the line. Truth is that laying this on the line does not just show that I’m walking in freedom from fear but it is going to set others free that are reading it. This is about allowing those hidden things in the dark to be brought to light so they have no control anymore. I am walking in wholeness, so lets throw the lie that I am not whole out right now.
Am I really going to do this?? Deep breath, YES I AM!
Vulnerability does NOT, and let me repeat, DOES NOT say we are broken. Vulnerability says that we in and of ourselves cannot do what He has called us to do without our lives and the depths of our hearts poured out upon Him. We walk as being one with Christ – that is vulnerability and dependency.
I have stepped into some of the darkest places on earth and stared hell in the face and watched the kingdom of God released in such powerful ways. Nevertheless – and this may surprise many – one of the greatest struggles in my life WAS fear. Yes, I said it ladies and gents… FEAR! Yay.. I said it!
Stepping into these dark places and being faced with spiritual and physical resistance and battles is not the fear I’m speaking of in my life personally. Those things never scared me. What scared me was vulnerability and dependency – the real and raw stuff. This is not easy for me to say or to let others know. I always hid behind this tough and strong facade. I am not saying we should not be strong, tough, and courageous but it is about allowing these things to be birthed out of dependency upon Him and not ourselves.
The questions: Is our strength and courage rooted in fear of things? Have we created an image to hide behind?
I always thought I had to uphold this “image” that I had created for the world to see. This image was birthed from all of these lies I had believed about myself that others had spoken over my life. Without actually realizing it, I partnered with those lies in my heart and carried them with me for years. The lies that said I would never amount to anything or that I would fail, that I couldn’t lead because I was a woman, or that I had to ALWAYS have it all together- among others. These lies formed into fears. It was then that I made it a point to prove everyone wrong by creating an image and I hid behind it and I hid well instead of taking all of these lies to Father and allowing Him to speak truth over them. By not being vulnerable with Him I canceled out Him showing and teaching me how to depend on Him in greater ways. I didn’t allow Him to teach me that I could never fail or that my life was worth far more than I could fathom. It is simply not because of anything I can do but His work that He is doing in and through me. And by ALWAYS having it all together, that leaves no room for needing Him really. It’s in the rawness of my heart laid out vulnerably before Him and the world would I be completely and fully dependent upon Him alone. Laying my own self down, my image and taking on His character and heart as He possesses every part of me.
I decided to try to carry it all myself when knowing that without Him being in control I would live burnt out, tired, weak, and hidden behind an image. All I had to do is simply become fully dependent on Him. Truth is I relied on myself for so long to prove people wrong without actually realizing that I am not here to prove a point with my life in general. I was simply created to be radically loved by Him, bring a radical love encounter to the world and carry His presence and heart in a deep and vulnerable way.
I was created to be fully dependent on Him. Without Him being in COMPLETE control I can never walk in the destiny He has dreamed for my life.
I have overcome so many things, gone many places, and He has done a lot in and through my little life, but truth is it has only been because I said YES to Him even when it scared me more than I can put into words. Courage is not about not feeling fear but about giving yourself no other option but to face your fears. It is about being fully dependent on Him and realizing you are not in control. It is about giving Him the reigns of your life and allowing Him to possess you.
Father has really been breaking down that image that I tried to uphold for so long. Truth is that behind that image I had built up and hid behind was a scared girl. I allowed fear to control my life. The fears of what people would think, of failing, of disappointing others – and the list goes on.
The problem was not that people saw strength when they saw me. The problem was that I allowed it to be built by my own strength and not His. Truth is that it is only in our weaknesses that He is made strong. It is in our weakness and our most vulnerable and raw places that we will truly become completely and fully dependent on Him.
I have stepped onto big stages in my life, stood before hundreds and thousands of people, and faced fear. I can give you a profound message out of my head. But what happens when Father asks me to bring His presence and a love encounter? What happens when He asks me to truly let go and bring people into the most vulnerable places in order to encounter His love in greater measures and in greater ways? The moments of Him asking me these things and me wanting to shut down is when He began to show me that it was time to face these things I had hidden for so long. So, today I am facing fear head on with courage and boldness in Him and laying it all out there.
My identity is NOT, I repeat NOT found in what others think of me. My identity is not found in the image I tried to uphold or in anything or anyone. My identity is found only in His love.
Father has been teaching me the importance of vulnerability.
Vulnerability has always been a fear of mine because being real and vulnerable shows that I may not have it all together to the viewing eye. However, truth is that vulnerability shows a whole new depth of dependency on Him. If I knew it all and had it all together then I wouldn’t need Him. That is real.
Here is a list Father gave me about vulnerability and the truths of walking in that place fully.
Vulnerability isn’t weakness, its actually strength.
Vulnerability can be scary if you don’t fully comprehend His perfect love for you. It is in His perfect love for you that you can be vulnerable because you realize the opinions or thoughts of others don’t define you but His love defines you only.
Vulnerability breaks down the image we have hid behind. His love will melt the image away so we live His heart poured out for the world.
Vulnerability doesn’t mean you don’t know who you are in Christ or you know your position in heavenly places already. It is actually the opposite. It is saying I am comfortable in my identity and position in Him that I can live vulnerable with nothing hidden in order to see others step into that place with Him.
Vulnerability not only brings forth freedom in your life but also the people in front of you. It releases strength, courage, boldness, and strips away lies.
Vulnerability creates full dependency on Him. It is about being one with Christ now and living from a place of vulnerability for the world to be set free.
Vulnerability and dependency brings forth the ability to destroy hell. It will break lies over other peoples lives. We carry full authority through Christ to destroy hell! It never takes away from who we are in Him but adds to it in the most powerful ways.
Vulnerability smashes pride. Pride can be birthed from insecurities. Trying to hide insecurity and not bringing the real heart issues to light will make us walk in fear of others seeing that part of us. Vulnerability will surface those issues and He will breathe truth over them.
The greatest moves of God were birthed out of people who were vulnerable and fully dependent. Deep things are birthed from vulnerably.
Vulnerability means you trust Him.
Vulnerability does not destroy confidence. It simply transforms it into confidence in Him.
Vulnerability pulls people into deeper places in His heart.
Vulnerability is uncomfortable but guess what – we weren’t created for comfort!
Vulnerability can bring forth the most radical love encounters the world has ever experienced.
Holding back vulnerability means you are not free. Not being free means He cannot fully set others free through your life. You are not fully dependent on Him if you’re holding back.
Vulnerability does not take your position in Christ, your identity in Christ, or your authority in Christ. Vulnerability does not take your strength except to transform it into His. Vulnerability does not change your calling. It simply enhances all these things.
Vulnerability is the end of self. It is letting go of you and the fears and grabbing onto Him with both hands.
You see, for so long I caved under the pressures man had placed on me – their expectations and such. I was afraid to go against the grain, be real, vulnerable, and fully dependent on Father because they may not be able to handle what that would look like.
I didn’t want to be mocked more. Because I am a woman, I had been mocked immensely when I told the church that God had called me to preach the gospel. I was told that I could never do it; in essence that I would go to hell for preaching as a woman. I allowed the enemy to steal my voice. I sat in silence when Father called me to be a megaphone to the world. My life laid down and His lived through me is the pulpit, the stage and the microphone is my voice, this voice He has called me to release. I am simply the mouthpiece He uses, as He possesses my every word. It finally came down to following His voice or theirs. I finally faced fear and did what Father called me to do. Sure I was mocked, rejected, and talked about but I refused to back down. I forgave those that mocked and spoke lies over my life. They did not understand.
Being fully dependent on Holy Spirit on stage before crowds of people was taking things to a whole new level for me. They would see everything. They were free to judge, mock, reject, and even not like me. So I hid behind my studies. I built knowledge up and preached from there only. I mean, I did have an image to uphold.
Knowledge without presence will never change anyone. It is only in full dependence on Him that a crazy encounter can be brought forth.
Was I willing to lay it all on the line? Allow Him to fully possess me even when people may not completely understand – even when I may look like a fool to some? Was He worth it in my life? The answer: YES! He is worth it all!!
Jesus is my very next breath and I fully trust Him. He has my life, my heart, and my yes. So, I lay down and say yes to Him to be fully dependent because without Him I can do nothing but with Him I can do anything! One of my favorite scriptures has always been John 15:5, I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is the bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. Yikes! I could preach an entire message out of this very scripture right here because there is so much richness here for us to get. But, to stay just on this topic, without Him, we can do nothing. Without abiding, being intimate, fully possessed, vulnerability to dependency, coming into our oneness with Christ, living out of our sonship and inheritance, being raw and real, fully possessed and reliant on Him and Him alone, we can do nothing. But coming into all of this, allowing Him to do the hard stuff in us, in our lives, our hearts, living vulnerable and poured out for the world, coming into our sonship and inheritance, into our oneness with Christ, abiding and being intimate with Him, being fully possessed and dependent, we can do anything.
Things are getting real and I am not holding back anymore! And today, by sharing this with whoever the audience is, I am declaring to fear and to all of hell that I am never holding back again! I am letting go completely and falling into Him. Welcome to me.
What will it look like? I quit trying to figure that out. I refuse to live by my human understanding anymore. I refuse to live by my feelings. I choose to be fully dependent, vulnerable, to take on the renewed mind of Christ, and to allow Holy Spirit to completely possess me.
Today and every day FEAR DIES.
