As I look back on this past year I am literally consumed with astonishment. If I gave you a sneak peak play-back into my personal life you would probably see a lot of hurt, brokenness, discontentment, and a troubled sense of security. As the year progressed I believe you would see growth that exceeds its boundaries. Although we can’t actually watch my life on film I would like to dive into Gods grace through this post. “Grace has a a sly, infectious smile that captures people’s hearts immediately.”
“Sometimes I test your faith, daughter, because it developes perseverance in you, which you need to be mature and complete not lacking anything.” James 1:4
I remember it like it was yesterday, lying in bed, looking at the clock and not being able to sleep. God was keeping me awake for something. At the time I thought I was restless because of the lack of preparation I had made for my eight A.M. class the next morning. But God and His divine power was cultivating something much deeper in me then I could ever imagine. As I finally decided to turn out the lights and close my eyes James 1:4 flashed in my mind like a neon sign as bright as it could shine. Sadly, I had no idea what James 1:4 said, with immense curiosity, I immediatly turned on the lights and flipped to the passage which held my tomorrow and everyday after that.
I would like to say this is the part where I started radically following Jesus in the way He was asking me to but that just wouldn’t be the truth. In all honesty after reading this I became angry. It was if God had just said “suck it up butter cup this is the life you have been dealt.” For you see at this point in my life I was in a place I never imagined I would be. Things were spiraling down at a rampant pace and I was in a cold dark place. The thought of having to keep going was just to exhausting. I felt worthless, alone, and afraid. Unknowingly, I turned my back on what the Lord had for me and ran as hard and fast towards my own plan as one could possibly run.
I ignored God that night and kept going with the life that I had made for myself. The definition of insanity according to Albert Einstein is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You could say that insane was my middle name. I knew what God wanted for my life but I chose to keep doing what I had always done. I chose to think that my plan was the best way. Logically thinking my way through life’s tribulations.
At this point I had three years down for my college degree as an elementary teacher. I was dating a guy who I was convinced that I would spend the rest of my life with and parents who did not approve of this situation. Head strong, I continued on with my education by moving to the city where my college was located. I lived in one of the finer appartment complexes, that provided a community pool, a gym, some of the best roommates and walking distance to class. You could easily say I was living the American dream. But there was something that kept stirring in me that caused a whirl-wind of chaos. The chaos abounding in me was the heart of Jesus and the heart of my humanity colliding.
It was here that I knew I had to make a choice. “To follow Jesus, we have to make choices. Sometimes, making those choices is anguish.” After months of trying to hang on to all I had grew accustomed to I prayed to God one of the boldest prayers I had prayed in a very long time. It wasn’t to long after that the guy I had been dating for the past two years decided to call it quits. Even tho I had prayed this bold prayer I still was dumbfounded in believing that this was God and His plan. In this same time frame I felt God leading me to go back home and take the semester off. I argued with God about this too, logically, this just didn’t make sense. I told God I had a future to continue with regardless of the heartbreak. Besides, the lease that I had signed my name to one million times in agreement for a one year contract would be impossible to get out of. God showed up and showed off. On one of my last days of classes I came home to a sign hanging on my front door as I walked in that basically read “sign your name here and your done.”
God backed me into a corner where the only choice I had was to sign those papers. With my bags packed, the feeling of fear, and being angry I moved back in with my parents with whom I hadn’t lived with in over a year. I was probably the most stubborn person ever because even this didn’t seem to shake me. I was still blinded by the fact that this was God preparing me for something much greater than I could ever imagine. I kept running. Running into loneliness, fear, rejection, more heartache, numbness, worthlessness, anger, and all the other daunting words we let define us when we try to make our own path instead of following the path our creator has for us. I began to dabble in things that I would have never attempted while being in the will of God. I finally reached a point where I had no where to go but up, looking up into the face of God, finding myself at His feet, I surrendered every aspect of my life to Him. God is grace. He chases us for miles, running the rugged path we choose, hoping, that we turn around and see Him again and just when we turn around He’s there to embrace us with open arms. He’s a God who doesn’t stop, he stoops, meeting us exactly where we are.
Perseverance is continuing in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success.
When we radically trust that God holds our tommorow and every aspect of our life astonishing things start to happen. Thanks for the lesson 2015.
2016….I’M READY FOR YOU!
“We aren’t really called to save the world, not even to save one person; Jesus does that. We are just called to love with abandon. We are called to enter into our neighbors sufferings and love them right there.” And this is just what I will do. I am more than excited for this journey that God is taking me on!
Deuteronomy 31:6
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Romans 8:16-17
Romans 8:38-39
7 months until my departure! Ain’t no money gonna hold me down Y’all! God’s got this!
Happy New Year, friends!
