Our squad leaders have prayed a lot and they’ve felt that God is calling us to abandonment next month. Abandonment from everything. Specifically distractions with electronics and communication back home. This isn’t just an internet/electronics fast, its a ban. We are not allowed to use our iPods, personal phones or computers for the whole month of December. It starts from the time we get on the plane to go Israel and it ends on the plane ride to Africa. So… that means that I won’t be able to communicate via email, Skype and facebook till January. I won’t be able to call home over Christmas. This breaks my heart. I wish I could. This is really hard for me because I signed up for the race. My family and friends didn’t. It was my choice. But now I’ve brought them into it. I know Christmas is going to be hard enough with me being gone (for me and for my family). Nevermind with not being able to email or call.
But there is some good news. Once a week we’ll have team blogging time where we set aside time to blog. Grant, our leader, will then take our blogs, go onto our accounts and upload them for all of us. So you will be able to hear from me once a week at least in that way. Yay!
Our leaders have prayed about it a lot. Tons and tons and tons and this is what they really feel God is saying. So to my family (especially my mom) and friends, I pray that God gives you peace about this no communication decision, with where I’ll be this next month and that there will be a lot of grace. You can pray for me too because I’m really upset about this. I’m kind of mad at God to be honest. All I can think is “I’ve left everything but it still isn’t enough! And over Christmas?!?!! Thats just plain cruel.” But even if I don’t feel it, the truth remains: God loves me and because he does, everything is for my own good. Its actually for more than my own good. Its for the best. No contact home over the month of December is the best possible thing that could happen in the life of Desiree Loeppky. I can’t see it now, but one day I will. I know that lots of fruit will come out of this month as a result of this. I guess I feel like that rich young ruler. He had kept all the commandments and had an amazing heart. He followed God and God loved him. But one thing he lacked was to give up all of his possessions to the poor. At this he went away sad because he had great wealth. I think I know how he feels right now.
But I’m choosing to not walk away. I’ve come this far already, I can’t turn back now. I’ve realized that the great wealth in my life is my family and friends. The people who love me. The people who know me. The people who I am deeply connected to down to the deepest part of my heart. These are people who have laughed, cried, danced, prayed with me and we’ve traveled through life together. They have been instrumental in shaping me into the woman that I am today. But as much as I love them, I need to love God more. I’ve never had to make a choice like this before and I think its the most difficult one I’ve ever had to make.
When we give our lives over to Jesus, we surrender everything. But in truth, how much are we still holding on to? We say “Oh God! I give you everything! You have my life!” And he says “I love that! I love you! Now, what about that boyfriend of yours that is verbally and physically abusing you? You don’t deserve that. You are worth so much more. You’ve got to let him go. I’ve got something better for you.” Or maybe he’s asking you to reach out to that kid in school that nobody likes. Or to move to another city or country to tell people about him. Maybe its declining a promotion because he’s calling you to stay and minister to your current co-workers. Maybe its giving 15 or 20 percent of your income into the church offering this month instead of the normal 10 percent. How often do we find the “I give you everything” turning into a “I give you everything…except this”? And we hold onto those things that we think we just can’t ever give up. Its almost like some of those hard things are off limits. “Oh God didn’t really mean that… its too important, it doesn’t count”. I don’t know about you, but I’m guilty as charged.
So this is me submitting to my leaders and to God. But more than that, this is me surrendering. Surrendering my life, my family, my everything. I’m finally doing it. I am going to live with unabashed abandon.
So…here I go!
