It is easy to say sorry or admit a sin when you have hurt someone by something you have done physically against them. It’s not so easy to ask for forgiveness or confess something you have with in yourself. Things that may not even show up on anyone’s radars.
My first conviction to share my inner sin came in Swaziland when I was letting my mind and heart get mad. God spoke clearly to me and reminded me of the gospel of Matthew and white washed tombs.
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.”
God convicted me to tell Adam. Even though Adam had no clue, we were making dinner together, and my conversations with him had been forcibly nice…my heart was just angry with out cause. So I just told him some thing along the lines of “Adam, I’m sorry, I am not being nice to you internally right now. But, I am not angry at you, I am just frustrated for no reason. Sorry if you can feel that in anyway.” It was really weird and not something I was use to doing. But, as soon as I confessed it, it’s power slowly faded into nothing. Adam thanked me and we moved on laughing at my exposed “attitude”. Our conversation finished with us talking about the Bible.
The second time was this month in Slovakia. Internally I was struggling with feelings of rejection. Nobody had rejected me. I had not been denied rights to anything within our friendships. But, I still felt rejected by basically the whole world. I struggled through out the whole day. Battling a lot of untruth about myself and how “rejected” I was. Then I told my team and confessed my sins in believing I was rejected when The Lord has said he has accepted me.
In Deuteronomy it says; “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
The sin of believing I was rejected no longer had power. I ended the night watching Jurassic Park with everyone who had never left my side anyways and got a big goofy hug from Jenny.
Confessing internal sin is hard because we have to be open to the Holy Spirit’s conviction. After, you have to recognize and admit weakness in yourself. Meaning, you have to sort of give yourself feedback after being convicted. Then include people in the “discussion” you are having with the Holy Spirit. Exposing bones in your white washed heart. Who likes to roll back stones and look inside to see dry bones in their hearts? I don’t like it, but I have seen so much peace be brought into my life the times I have.
That’s what I have been learning the last month of my race. And, it’s been good.
