Back when I was in Guatemala I always felt silly about how in love I was with the whole country and the Guatemalan people and culture. I still have such a deep love for that place. But while in Guat I also knew I had 2 more countries to visit, and I always thought that I’d have the same love for those 2 countries that I felt in Guatemala.
But here I am in Thailand and as awesome as that sounds, I have really struggled with finding a passion for this place, people & culture. The first month of Thailand I had a very hard time because I couldn’t find my place here. I just don’t have the “at home” feeling. And for that first month I would get so mad and frustrated at myself. Why can’t I just get over it and love this place that I’m in? All my insecurities, fears and things I’ve struggled with started coming out. Fears of not being good enough, fears of just simply not being enough, people pleasing issues, comparison issues- and during that month my confidence in myself became very close to nonexistent.
It’s not super fun for me to have to admit to all these struggles I’m dealing with. It’s so much easier to just pretend everything is alright- post some pictures on instagram, write a good Facebook status every once in a while. And for a good couple of weeks I tried to force myself to love Thailand. I didn’t want everyday to be just me pushing through. I didn’t want everyday to be just me surviving. I wanted to love Thailand and everything about it!
But something crazyyyyy God told me recently is that it’s okay to not love every place I go to. Whether I am absolutely in love with Thailand or not, God is still going to use me and work through me. I don’t have to pretend to love this country but I do have to know God has me here in Thailand for a reason. Just because it’s not my favorite place doesn’t mean I have to be negative all the time and dislike everything here. I don’t want you guys to get the impression that I hate everything about Thailand- because that’s definitely not the case!
— I love the Thailand sunsets- they are beautiful!
— I love the church I’m living at- the unity between them is something I look up to.
— I love the schools & students I’ve gotten to meet and teach English to!
But God has shown me that it is actually a good thing that I am not in love with Thailand. Going through all those struggles has forced me to rely on God 100%. I couldn’t just glide through each day- I had no strength, I had no joy, I had no passion. God had to fill me up everyday. There is no way I could’ve gotten through that month without God simply because I was exhausted and mentally/emotionally done. I had nothing left to give- it was all God! And He provided abundantly. But everyday I knew if I didn’t look to God for my strength I would have a little kid meltdown before the day was over. It was such a great growing period for me having to admit that I simply can’t get through the day without God and having to go to Him everyday to renew my strength.
Since then I have gotten to see how God continues to provide for me. I’ve had so much confidence lately in teaching students and an overflow of joy- and none of it is my own, it’s all coming from God!! It’s been so cool to see the complete transformation that has happened in me from surrendering to God. Relying on Him for my strength and joy everyday has made it completely unnecessary for me to compare myself to others and try to please other people. I am the vessel God is using to do His work- I don’t have to be better than someone else because that is not the reason I’m here! So even though I still struggle with finding that passion for Thailand, God has given me so much comfort through that! He has taught me so much in my time here and I can see the growth in myself. Everyday I continue to remind myself that I was sent to this specific location to serve God and He has big plans here- I wasn’t sent here to be comfortable or because AIM thought I’d just be absolutely in love with Samut Songkhram. I am here to serve God. Thailand has been such a blessing in my life, no matter how hard it’s been, because it will always be the country I look back on and see that growth in myself.
Also this weekend (Sunday January 18th) I am PREACHING THE SERMON at church…… If you know me you’re probably wondering what has happened to me. Don’t worry I’m just as surprised about this as you are! Please pray for me and the church that is about to hear the words God has given me. And my sermon happens to be on the joy that comes from relying on God- crazy!
Psalm 18:30 “God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.“
