I’m going to be brutally honest here. My heart has felt rather heavy this week. My thoughts keep taking turns towards the negative side and around each corner is an ambush. Satan knows I’m up to something. He’s been watching me and like a lion ready to devour he’s ready to use anything he can against me. He doesn’t want to just batter me a little, but to shred me to bloody pieces. I struggle with the fear of abonnement. The fear of being left and being the second choice. This is something I’ve just recently discovered about myself. My mind replays moments of rejection in my head and the anxiety builds inside.
“For God does not give us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
This verse totally calls Satan out. I can see it now… The demons whispering lies into me. Planting seeds of unrest and rejection in the fields of my mind. And this week it worked. I was careless in applying the Armor of God. I went out to battle each day unprepared. Last week was a breeze! I felt the blessings raining down from heaven. Each day I had time to be in God’s presence. And just like that I became so quick to begin to rely on myself again. I started to get cocky.
“Oh yeah!! Satan can’t touch this! Look out world I’m on fire for Jesus!”
Granted that this week I was busier and didn’t have as much time to sit and just block out the noises (whether it be physiological or psychological) to listen to God, but is that really an excuse? No, it shouldn’t be. It allowed for my mind to become sidetracked from the Kingdom. But what about the fears Satan uses to play with me? The fears are very real and the pain from those fears are very real. What’s the method of defense to protect yourself from the evil Invaders (thoughts)? Satan is using what he knows will get to me. It’s working. It distracts me.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
The peace of God will guard your heart and mind. Wow! The image flashing in my head is a soldier standing tall at the door of my heart and mind. At each place, he holds a set of keys and huge shield. He has holes in both his hands and feet. This warrior fights to bring peace. I’m going to be honest. I know that deep in my heart Jesus is the only way to fight the anxiety of abandonment and being rejected. He’s the only warrior strong enough to fight for me. But all of this knowledge of knowing the best course of defense doesn’t make it any easier. My heart still hurts some days or make that some weeks. I still find myself sitting in my car having mental breakdowns as I pour my heart out to God. I don’t have the answers to make life’s aches and pains go away. In fact, there truly isn’t any way to make it go away. Jesus promises to be with us through the hurts. He promises to guide us and count our tears. Right now, I chose to rest in that. To rest in Him and that my life plan is pretty absorb compared to His. Someday… it may just be in heaven… I’ll understand. Someday I will be okay. For now, it’s okay to not be okay. The key is to trust in Him and keep moving forward. To hand over the sword to Jesus and let Him fight those inner battles.
“Satan, get behind me in the name of Jesus!”
