Squad leading is definitely my dream job in this season of my life. I have the privilege of walking alongside 29 other women and men who are uncovering who God has made them to be, going on wild adventures of faith, and getting to spread the Fathers love and light all over South America. What else could I ask for?
But today has been hard. I am dealing with some intense allergy/inflammation flare ups and it is slowly eroding my minute by minute fascination and joy in this life I get to live.
“Destiny, it’s ok to be needy”, Jeremy told me a couple of weeks ago. I can feel the neediness welling up inside of me as I struggle with embarrassment every night that I sleep in the same room as the team of girls I am with and a sneezing attack sets in. I can feel it as I can’t do ALL the things ALL the time that I want to do. I struggle with feeling like a burden as I begin to eat Whole 30 to hopefully calm and relieve the inflammation going on in my body and I have to be picky at meal times when we are all currently living off a $5 a day budget in a country where food is more expensive.
Today, while I was dishing up the last bit of the whole 30 pancakes (eggs and bananas mixed together which is actually quite good) I made for the team, I began to peel back the layers of what was going on in my heart and the tears began to rush down my cheeks. I felt the neediness leak out of my eyes as I struggled to receive when they all circled around me to pray for me.
I have never felt like I have to have it all together (just ask any of my friends or the squad or anyone else who has rubbed shoulders with me for a brief amount of time) and tend to be frank and open about my shortcomings, my sins, and my insecurities but when it comes to this area, I have circled around this familiar territory in my heart a few times. God continues to go deeper into this part of my heart that is used to being the strong rock for everyone else but struggles at time to really lean too hard on anyone, who wants to be a safe place and strength for this squad but finds it hard to let anyone be a source of strength and safety for me. I believe God does heal us in layers and levels but this struggle has more depth in my heart and taken more time than I care to admit.
I have pleaded for the last several years for my allergies to be wiped away completely and today God told me, “know”. “Will you be still and know that I am God?” “Will you know that My strength is made perfect in your weakness and that it’s never been about how capable and able you are?” “Will you know that I work all things together for your good and that even in this I am bringing healing and freedom?”
I believe self sufficiency really doesn’t exist as I am dependent on Him for even my next breath but at times what I believe and what I live don’t match up. Will you pray for me as I continue to learn to lean on Him and other people He has put in my life?
“And he’s brought me to the wilderness
Where I would learn to sing
And he lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean” ~Laura Hackett
