September 3rd, 2016.
6 pm on a Saturday afternoon. Leaving the parking lot of work about to turn left. Three cars in the middle lane about to turn left into a movie theater across the street, I see them, acknowledge their existence, and prepare to enter the street. I kept hearing a voice say, “Turn right turn right!” but rather than listen to it, I turn left and focus on my surroundings until an impact is made. As I am turning, I look to the side, and appears a car right up against my drivers side door. In slow motion, I feel the car collide, things fly across the side of me, and I think to myself “wow, this is where everything ends.” But as all of this was happening, rather than me experience whiplash, or feel the aggression of broken glass and plastic hit me, I feel God’s hands holding me, protecting me, and keeping me exactly in place.
Rewind to earlier that day and I was on my way to work. While driving I change the song on my phone and I send text to my friend, something I sadly admit but is fairly common. I hear the Holy Spirit in my head state “put your phone down, something bad is going to happen today.” I disregard this comment as I do with most things in my head. I am not a great one with discernment so I always assume I am just making everything up; however, this time I do put down my phone and did happen to get an ancy feeling about the day.
The past few weeks, or months, I have been struggling with the existence of God. I follow Him with my whole life, but how do I even know there is a Him. I am an extremely factual person, where as if I do not have facts of something, how am I supposed to be sure. I have been asking and begging for something, really anything to show me, let me be confident in Him. Anything so He can be like “Hey I’m here!” Especially at training camp, I would become so jealous and angry that He would not have intimate moments with me like I would see with other people, and I just wanted to have those same ones, but my mind was never in a vulnerable state. I was desiring Him to do everything, and I was putting in no effort. I was waiting for Him to just tell me, and I was not finding out who he was. But now, I do not need him to be outright and say “I’m here” because He will always be there to protect me. I may struggle to fathom but that is because He is bigger than me, and bigger than my brain will ever comprehend. I know that He is so much, SOOOOO much bigger than I will ever understand, but just because I do not understand, does not mean that He will not be there.
When I got in my accident, she hit me exactly where I was sitting. The only part of the car that was hit, was where my seat was; my drivers side door caved completely in and the drivers side wheel went from standing straight to standing at a 45º angle. As I look back and even when it was happening, as pessimistic as it sounds, I should’ve been dead with the damage. But rather than taking my life, this accident saved it. My God held me, treated me as His child, and cared for me. I felt his hands over me and protecting me. I may still always have difficulty understanding, but that is something I am okay with because He is always going to care for me, and He is always going to love me.
