So… in following up after my last blog from Thailand entitled… “We’re going to the moon?!?,” I am writing a follow up as to how this trip actually went.
In short, it was incredible.
Over the last year I have seen God work and his hand move in many lives other than my own but little did I know how much he could do with just under 5.
The week began with a meeting between the Racers and the trip leaders who were a compilation of people from AIM and previous WR parents. We discussed our fears and expectations going into the week and what we were excited about, nervous about, etc.
Going into the week I had felt little but excitement along the way but as one of the trip leaders Pat asked us the question as to if we were more nervous than excited or excited than nervous about the week I just could not get this nervous feeling out of my stomach. I didn’t know why. Previously all I had felt was excitement and as thoughts and questions were raised about “hard conversations” we might have to have I thought that it didn’t apply to me.
In my 27 years I have been through the ringer with my mom many times and I was convinced that there was nothing else for us but God’s glory this week. Yet still this feeling of uneasiness was inside of me and I just could not shake it. The leaders offered prayer and discussion if we needed it but not knowing what I would say or have to ask for prayer for I avoided it. I went into the week ready to meet my mom and to have a great time.
And a great time we had. We went to the bars, the slums, to Remember Nhu, walked up and down all my regular stops along Sridonchai Road, went shopping, got massages, went zip lining, and much more. The first night at the bars was incredible. We, of course, went to the Full Moon and hung out with my friends from there. We really were having a great time loving on the people of Chiang Mai together.
Then the third night hit. It was after a 12 or so hour day of ministry and my mom had mentioned playing some music together. I didn’t think much of it and went upstairs to grab my guitar. However, as she started to play all of these emotions started welling up inside of me. I didn’t know why but for some reason I was feeling like I did as a teenager again. Feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration were welling up inside of me and it was all I could do to fake a smile and pretend I was enjoying the show. As she finished playing and offered me the guitar I made a snide comment and was immediately convicted.
What is happening? I thought. Why am I feeling this way?
I prayed.
Of all the things I have learned on the World Race, communication has been the biggest, hardest, and most rewarding of all. Being on various teams with a wide variety and assortment of people in sometimes stressful, sometimes dangerous environments teaches you a bit about communication and how it is rendered and received. In this moment with my mom I knew I was going to have to talk about how I was feeling even though I did not want to. “What if I hurt her?” I thought. “I don’t want to ruin the week.” “I don’t even know what is going on. How am I supposed to talk about it?” Were my thoughts and fears going into it.
But as we climbed the seemingly never ending five flights of stairs to our hotel rooms I mustered up the courage and said meekly…
“Can I talk to you real quick before you go to bed?”
Sensing something was wrong my mom replied equally meekly, “Okay.”
As we entered the room my heart was pounding and my mind was racing.
What was I going to say? What was the problem? Why did I feel this way? What was stirring up inside of me?
I decided to be courageous and told her how I was feeling. Looking back I still don’t know if it was the right thing to do in the moment. That is a big thing I have learned this year. To wait and process things out with God and others first before you open your mouth to the person but by this time I was committed and wanted to find out what this ugly thing between us was.
I’ll spare you the details but over the course of the next 12 hours I discovered an ugly part of my heart that I had not let go of yet. What I thought was a hatred of how my mom played music was actually anger and resentment that had been there for 10 years. Little to my knowledge it was eating away at my heart and was getting in the way of my relationship with my mom. See when I was two weeks away from 18 my mom offered me a choice. After several years in my teens of drugs, alcohol, and sexual abuse my mom had had enough and was at a loss of what to do with me. So she gave me an ultimatum. A choice. The choice was to make some changes in my life. i.e stop using drugs, drinking, and leave my boyfriend or to move out immediately. I chose to move out and the next six months of my life were some of the darkest and most difficult months I have ever lived. They were full of all the “pleasures” the world has to offer, but they were pleasures that left me hopeless, broken, and depressed. The pain from some of these events has taken me years to heal from and come to terms with.
I had never forgiven her for making me make that choice, and on some level way down deep I was still blaming her for the pain I experienced during that part of my life.
It’s crazy what we can discover about ourselves when we decide to dig a little deeper into our hearts. I know for me personally that for years I have been too afraid of some of those places and parts of my story and life that are too scary, too deep, and too broken to fix. But this year has been about going to those deep dark places of brokenness, not only around the world but inside of my heart. It has been about restoring hope and life to those places and casting out the demons that try to keep us down and out, feeling condemned and ashamed and unworthy of life and what is has to offer.
After all of this came to light, and in true Jesus fashion, the last official session we had was a foot washing session where we washed our parents feet and discussed the significance of John 13 where Jesus washes the disciples feet before the last supper. Ironically enough this passage had been a huge one for me in Vietnam and we had conducted our own foot washing session with the girls at SOZO just a few weeks previously. As we discussed this passage God hit me with a ton of truth about how I had been fighting him cleansing me of these “dirty” parts of my story. Just like Peter in the story I was refusing him.
John 13:6-8
He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”
Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”
“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”
Jesus answered, “Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.”
And God was telling me in the moment just as Jesus had replied to Peter, “If I don’t wash you and cleanse you of this, then who will?”
I choose to be clean.
Here is a link to my Mom's blog that tells a bit more about our trip together and her personal experience of coming. http://loridawnmusic.com/miss_loris_blog/you_want_me_to_do_what_part_2/
Also, though I am fully funded there are still 6 of my squad mates who still need funds to stay on the field. If you would like to help them copy and paste any of these links below to read about their journeys and donate to their support accounts. Any amount, even if it is small, will help immensely. All donations are tax-deductible.
www.christinagarcia.theworldrace.org
www.jessicahurst.theworldrace.org
www.hannahwunder.theworldrace.org
www.paulstafiej.theworldrace.org
www.morganpark.theworldrace.org
www.jessicakim.theworldrace.org
God Bless!
