So it’s been awhile since I wrote. Been awhile since I felt I had something of worth to say. But I do! And this is what it is… Jesus reigns, and love wins! So let me give you a little synopsis of where this is coming from. Training Camp 2012. I needed a tent, but not just any tent. I needed a two to three man tent weighing less than 5 lbs that would fit in the hiking pack. I had known I needed one for awhile but I hadn't bought one yet as was waiting on a promise of a friend for a free one. As circumstances played out, it was down to the wire and I still didn’t have one. I had already attempted to borrow two tents. One was very small (a junior I couldn’t even lay down in) and one was very big (a 4 man weighing 12 pounds). Now it was down to the night before training camp and I was still tentless. As I ran around the house packing this and that and worrying about what I was going to do about a tent I saw my roommate laying on the couch. I remembered that she had a very nice tent, but also that I did not want to borrow it. It’s a $500 Black Diamond tent she had spent months working for and towards and I did not want any part of being responsible for it. But I was desperate, so I asked. She was hesitant; concerned for its safety no doubt. However, I rest assured her (under the pressure of time), that nothing would happen to it and if it did I would buy her a new one. You can see where this is going?
Unfortunately a part of training camp is waking up every morning at 6am and having to pack all of your stuff into your pack and onto your back by 7am, then heading to breakfast and entering a whirlwind of a day where there was little time to even pee. What this meant for the tent was packing it up wet and stuffing it in my pack where it would sit for at least 7 hrs until I could get to it again to set it up for the night. She had specifically warned me about this as we were doing a test run in the living room. “If there is one thing to avoid it is packing it up wet. If mildew grows on it it will ruin the waterproofing,” were her exact words I believe. As the week pressed on her words played in the back of my mind and I prayed diligently to God to not let mildew grow on it. Towards the end of the week our schedules got a little more relaxed and I got a chance to think clearly and laid out the tent in the warm sun. I examined it and to me it looked fine, but I knew I was going to have to pass it by her, and I was nervous.
The time came to bring it home. It sat in the living room for a few days, a beacon of destruction waiting to happen. Then the time came to clean it out. I fearfully unraveled it and helped her wash it down, praying still that it was okay and that God had not allowed anything to happen to it.
And then she found it; an area of darkness on the bottom. Like a demon or a virus that had come to ruin our friendship and the walls of the tent. I was ashamed, and terrified. I didn’t know what to do. We scrubbed and scrubbed to get it to go away. She held it while I scrubbed, I held it while she did, but it was a nasty sucker and upon further examination there were other pods that had sprouted as well. This was alive, and it was not going to go away easily. We sat scrubbing, both avoiding a full confrontation of the situation. After all the work was over I said meekly, “What should we do? I can try to see if Dan can get me this tent since he said he was going to get me a free one.”
“We will figure it out,” she replied.
The situation persisted for about a month, me trying to get info out of Dan about scoring a Black Diamond, her looking for ways to remove the mildew and pressing into how bad the damage was, each mentioning info about it time and time again to let each other know it was on our minds. Finally, a few days ago, my friend Dan told me there was no way he could get that specific tent, and I knew I was busted. I had priced them online and they were $350 brand new. As I am trying to raise money for a mission and just quit my full time job I was astonished by that number and unhappy about the whole situation. I asked all the wrong questions. Why did God allow this to happen? Why was she being so unflinching and why did she care about the tent so much? Wasn’t I the one in need here? Didn’t anyone care about me? I was angry about the situation and I confided in my other roommate about what to do. She simply said, “Talk it out.”
So I did.
In all my years of learning different talents and trades, dealing with confrontation has not been my strongest suit. I know this and have been praying to God to help me in this. I avoid and avoid a situation to the bitter end and then, when I absolutely have to deal with it, I do. His grace was not with me this morning at 8:30 am as I tried to “talk out” this situation with my dear friend. See, I had already made up in my mind that I was going to replace the tent, but I was upset about it and wanted her to know my side. She was being ridiculous! The tent wasn't ruined. It was a little bit of mildew and she was not being graciuos or forgiving. This is the wrong way to approach any situation and as the conversation progressed out of control I was no longer talking about the tent but about how she was wrong for even lending it to me!
This is where sweet grace saves and God has blessed me with good friends. As she left for work I felt sick to my stomach and was still pretty bitter, researching prices online and cursing that black mold and the life it created. Then my phone starting going off repeatedly and I was getting a marathon texts from my other roommate. “What did you do? Tiff is crying and throwing up in the bathroom,” and a whole other speech was what I heard. First as I read these words I felt anger. Angry that my roommates were ganging up on me, that I was being attacked for this. Then again, shame.
What was my point of talking to her in the morning? Why had I brought it up? What was the conclusion I wanted to reach? I asked myself this question I came up with a big zero, which could only mean I didn’t have one other than being mad at God and the whole situation.
God can bring us to our knees so quickly if we let him. I for one, struggle with pride. If there is one thing that gets to me, one thing that you cannot hurt, it is this deep sense of pride that I carry around like armor. I don't like being wrong or admitting that I messed up. I have known this for awhile, but as I damaged a dear relationship of mine today I realized that this badge of armor is not protecting me, but preventing God and people around me who I love from coming into my heart and blessing me. I borrowed the tent, I knew not to pack it up wet, and I agreeed to replace it if anything happened. Furthermore I couldn't admit to it and in my pride lashed out and hurt someone I love. I will continue to pray and will this pride away and replace it with His sweet grace. As always Lord, I thank you for loving me and allowing me to be broken and humbled for your glory.
A new tent is on its way, and to my dear friend that I hurt I will forever be sorry and will pray this pride away.
1 Timothy 1: 15-16
“This is a true saying, and everyone should believe it: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners- and I was the worst of them all. But that is why God had mercy on me, so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they too can believe in Him and receive eternal life.”
And at the risk of being cliché I give you this verse…
1 Corinthians 13: 1-7
“If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth but didn’t love others I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or clanging symbol. If I had the gift of prophecy and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything and didn’t love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would be of no value whatsoever. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it was wronged. It is never glad about injustices but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
God is love. Jesus loves; and so will I.
