Haripur Prashansa (Prashansa means praise in Nepali) Academy sits on about a two acre plot of land and is adorned with fruit trees, vegetable gardens growing here and there, animals, flower gardens, and is set up in a way reminiscent of none other than a man-made Garden of Eden. I said this on the first day I arrived here and God has been using that ever since, bringing me back and back again to the story of creation and the fall, teaching me about my own tendencies that began with the mother of all creation, and about how even today myself and other women struggle with these tendencies and with the curse that was put on us so many years ago. This month has been one I will not easily forget.
I have always wondered why I am so sensitive, and why I have so easily believed so many lies about myself. At different times in my life I have believed that I am not pretty enough, not smart enough, that I do not have what it takes, that I am not confident, that others are judging me, that I don’t deserve to be listened to, that others don’t love me, and so many other lies about myself. Where do these lies come from I have wondered? Why are they there? And are they true? What does God think of me? What is the truth?
God has taken me on a journey this month that has answered all of these questions. I can say that after this month and what I have learned I am a changed woman. Not to say that I will never struggle again with these thoughts, but the truth has been revealed to me and it will not easily be forgotten. There is something about the truth. It has a way of penetrating, a way of working its way in among the lies and weeding them out.
I did a 3-day fast this month. 72 hours with no solid food. I spent my time reading, praying, and seeking the Lord with only water, tea, and tang to keep me hydrated. I have been thinking about doing one since I saw two of my teammates do it in South Africa and get awesome results from it. Then one of my good friends and teammates did one this month as well and I knew it was my time. At first I wasn’t entirely sure what I was fasting for. Of course there were the usual prayers for my family and friends, people who are sick, prayers over my finances, for the ministries I have encountered and worked with so far, etc. But the one word that kept coming up for me was confidence. I got a prophecy last month about confidence. It simply stated, “Confidence is beautiful. Trust God with it. Open up your mouth and let him use you.”
I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant at first. I thought I was confident. I mean I used to sell satellite dishes door to door for goodness’ sake. I was the manager of about 25 people and an entire program at one point and worked with men in the corporate world. That takes some guts right? I have spoken and sang in front of large audiences, given my testimony on the spot, etc. What else did God want to teach me about confidence? What was I missing? Turns out I was missing a lot.
Through the journey of my fast God really showed me what it looks like to get my confidence from him and to rely on him for my strength. At the start of the month I felt God placing it on my heart to sing a song with my teammate Jen Swan (Swanny we call her), and my other good friend Christina (Ci-Ci). Now don’t get me wrong, I love singing and playing the guitar, it is a gift God has given me and at times I get so much joy from it. However, I was tired; tired of fighting for the kingdom, tired after our last month, tired of getting up in front of people, tired of struggling to get my ideas of what the Lord wanted to do done. In previous months, I would have jumped on it. I would have marched straight up to those girls and made sure that the song got done. But I didn’t have the strength. I wanted to do the song but I just did not have the willpower to lead it. Didn’t he know I was tired? Didn’t he know I needed some time to be spiritually filled up and rest? I decided that I was going to sit and wait. If God really wanted me to sing a song with them then He would make it happen.
Fast forward to Friday night, about a week later. We have church on Saturday here so we got together to work out our songs and prepare for the service. We had to do one song as a group (all 12 of us), and a special song that only a few of us would do. I was still debating piping up and leading the song that was placed on my heart but I continued to wait and see what would happen. Then, as volunteers popped up for it guess who stood up? Swanny, Ci-Ci, myself, and my other friend Brittany. In that moment I was excited, amazed, and humbled; excited to sing the song, amazed that those specific girls stood up, and humbled in realizing that he didn’t want or need me to lead all along. This was an important lesson for me in understanding that God is in charge, not me. I can follow his lead and he will make sure things will get done. He knew I was tired. He knew I didn’t have it in me to lead at that point in time. He was merely cluing me in to his plans to show me that he was in control the whole time.
Then last week, after having some rest and being filled up this month God put in my heart to lead a night of worship. This time around I was ready and I knew I was supposed to step up in it. I asked the teams if they would be okay to let me lead it and they said yes, of course. All the team members and squad-leaders that were here came and we sang and praised together. I was prayed up and God gave me the strength and the words to say and sing as I played. It was an awesome night. God really showed up that night in leading me as I lead worship and showed me that even when I lead things that it is him, and by his strength. I can rely on him in these times. I can open up my mouth and let him use me.
Luke 12:12
“When they bring you before the synagogues and the rulers and the authorities, do not worry about how or what you are to speak in your defense, or what you are to say; for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
Through these simple things I learned that God has given me the strength I need to do the things he has called me to. He has equipped me and will give me the strength to do and say and even sing when I need it. I don’t need to struggle, to push, to worry, to fret, to micromanage, or to overcompensate. God is in control. He is even in control of the small circumstances such as a song he wants me to sing at church.
1 Peter 5:7
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.”
To God be the glory and the praise. Amen.
