The Bible says that you should forgive someone who wrongs you 77 times. The passage goes like this…
Matthew 18: 21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?”
Jesus replied, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
In other words, Jesus is saying that we should always forgive. But what if we ourselves are the offenders? What if the wrongs that were committed were our own faults against others or heaven forbid, against our selves?
As I have been on a journey of the heart for over a year now I have realized that most of the condemnation, guilt, and shame that I feel are manifestations of my own thoughts and feelings about myself. Fears about what I am capable of, and condemnation for the things I have or have not done and the places I have been emotionally and spiritually before this year. Conceptually I have forgiven myself and know that I am in line for all the glory God has to offer. The bible says it and I believe it, but as the Lord has tried to bless me my heart still shrinks back with fear and condemnation more often than I care to admit.
The truth is, before this year I was not a shining example of God’s glory. I was a lost 26 year old desperate for a bit of direction in this thing called life. In fact, even months before the Race I was involved in sin that is not becoming of a daughter. I would admit that I believed in God and even that I believed in Jesus if someone asked, but I was not an active follower, or even close to a disciple.
Does that make me less worthy now?
I have forgiven most of the people around me who have wronged me and hurt me along the way. It’s been relatively easy for me to forgive them, but I have been so busy forgiving them and trying to please God that I have surpassed the one who needs the most forgiveness in my heart. That person is me.
When I accepted Jesus into my heart, I accepted the fact that I was wiped clean in the process, so why do I still feel this condemnation? Why is this still in my heart? God is desperately trying to get this off of me! I can feel the call on my heart to surrender this stuff, yet I am clinging so tightly to what I knew as truth before this year. Truth that said God was mad at me. That I was being punished for being a bad person, and furthermore that I was destined for hell for the things I had done.
Thank the Lord that is not what the Bible says!
And now, I guess I know conceptually that I am forgiven but as I think back on specific things I am still hit with a flood of disgust. Why did it take me so long to drop everything and follow Jesus? I felt the call on my heart for so long. I felt him leading me and wooing me into a life with Him but I was so dang stubborn to follow my own path that I ignored it. It’s no wonder I didn’t. Everything I was taught about God before this year told me that God was a God of Jugdement and condemnation. I never knew how much he loved me until this year. I continue to be amazed at the grace, love, and deep intimate love he has for all of us.
God doesn’t want us to clean up our lives first in order to start following him. He wants us to start following him and let him help us through the process of letting our sin and weaknesses go.
The whole book of Galations is all about freedom in Christ! Not freedom from doing what is right but freedom from the law that condemns us. The word says we as believers are guided by his Spirit. That all truth, knowledge, and even our path in life can be followed by listening to the whisper of his voice in our hearts. It is only in giving up the control we think we have in our lives that he can begin healing, changing, and shaping our hearts and our lives to be what we have always wanted.
As I grow in my willingness to discuss and process through this stuff I can feel God healing the guilt and shame I have felt for the areas of my life where I have fallen short. Lord I pray right now to remove all guilt, shame, and condemnation I have felt from my past. I commit myself to following the will and call of your spirit and I claim your freedom, grace, and forgiveness over myself. I raise my white flag. I surrender.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Psalm 51: 7-12
7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
Let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
And blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create I me a pure heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast Spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
Or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
And grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Love you all!!
Moldova…. Here We Come!!!!
