Last week we went on a little adventure with one of our ministry hosts to an assisted living home. We arrived early and had some time to kill, so our host decided to take us to a bridge that he used to play on when he was a kid. It was a suspended walking bridge across a decent sized river. The bridge was also not in the best condition with boards nailed across other boards that had broken and fallen into the water below.
Now something you might not know about me is that I have only one phobia in life and that’s the fear of falling. Heights don’t bother me, but the thought of falling off of something and being in a state of physically not having control and hurling towards impending doom just doesn’t sit well with me. One of the scariest parts of life for me is rolling over in bed and feeling like I just fell out of bed when I really didn’t. I have kicked Bethany before from flailing around after that has happened to me.
Now I’m not going to say that this was my world race conquering my fears moment, but it was definitely a test of my inner fortitude. I felt my stomach in my throat on several occasions when the boards beneath me would bend under my weight. I was last to cross over due to the fact that I was testing every board before stepping on it. It took me almost ten minutes to cross it when it took the rest of the team about three minutes to cross, including stops for pictures.
Something else you should know about my phobia is that it reaches other parts of my life as well. Physically it’s a fear of falling, but in every other part of my life it’s a fear of falling short. The thought of letting others down or failing a task can keep me up at night. It’s one of the main reasons I resisted my call to ministry for so long. Having the responsibility of a God given task and letting God down is one of the scariest thoughts that crosses my mind.
A couple of days ago I had what is called an “Inner Healing” session. This is basically a time where myself, a squad leader, and Bethany all sat down and prayed through some past situations that were still effecting my life. It’s similar to an interceding session, but more conversational with God. We got started and the first thing that God brought up was an old pastor of mine. He was my pastor during my struggle with accepting my calling. He was young when he came to our church and he did not have an easy task in leading us.
To make a long story short, a good part of our church left and I ran even harder away from what God was calling me to. To watch the consequences of every decision he made debated and judged was enough to make me never even go to seminary. There was a lot I learned in that time. It was a double edged sword. I have years of pastoral do’s and don’ts under my belt that I wouldn’t have otherwise. I learned a lot in that time but there was still part of me that had this fear of being resisted in ministry the way our church did him.
But something God showed me in our conversation this week during my inner healing was that me and this pastor have more in common than I realized. While I was watching my church struggle with the adjustment I always had a tendency to put blame on the pastor and say things like “If he would’ve just done this, it would’ve been fine…” or “I don’t want to go to seminary because I don’t want to be taught that mindset…”. But God broke down those thoughts when He reminded me that churches have a tendency to approach ministry like a business.
Our pastor was young and had a lot of weight on his shoulders. He was in his mid-twenties and given a church of 1,200 to shepherd. Shoot, I’m in my mid-twenties now and can’t image what that would be like. We also had really great records of growth in the five years leading up to this point. A pastor of 32 years that left his shoes to fill. It hit me like a ton of bricks when God finally said to me “How scared do you think he was? He was learning the same things you were.”
Fear is a funny thing… His fears which were fueled by the churches fears lead to battles with my fears. How different would our churches be if they would always operate out of a place of love and not fear? When you look at a church and can tell they are run like a business always worried about numbers and results than more than likely it’s being run from a place of fear. That’s a church that’s looking for tangible numbers to validate themselves among men rather than being more concerned with how well they’re loving other men.
I’m praying that churches will start taking this mindset. That fear will be driven out of their decision making process and love will be the number one goal for each church. Our ministry host from last month had a great slogan that was simply “Love God, love people, and have fun.” I pray that every church realizes that that is what church is all about.
