I have a misunderstanding of how I’m suppose to live. God gives us talents and gifts to use for His glory, but I don’t use them.
In my last blog I talked about how I learned a couple things while in Dallas for our spring break mission trip. I promised you a blog about the other truth that God taught me while I was down there. I hope it makes sense to what picture I am trying to paint for you through it all.
When you ask me about my feelings I usually go to a place in my head where I have no feelings. I instantly numb all of them so others can’t see them. See this is a problem for me cause it doesn’t show anything about me. It is definitely a pride issue that I didn’t want to change, but ultimately Christ cultivates different outlooks for all of us through all things.
This came true last week. After a full day of ministry, then walking around the city for a couple hours, we came back to the house to debrief about the day; just like we had done the couple nights before. As almost 40 people sat in a room to share about how God touched their heart during the day, we were asked to give feed back to someone or multiple people after we were done with our meeting.
Instantly I thought of someone that I needed to give feedback to. God put them on my heart for a reason. My pride wanted to get in the way, and I started making excuses to not do so. As I searched for them, I thought to myself, maybe I don’t need to give them feedback.
If you know me, you would know that I can be stubborn at times. I am a prideful person and I don’t like to put it down sometimes. Especially if I need to give someone positive feedback that I really have nothing to say to him or her. I instantly knew my flesh was getting in the way and I needed to go and tell them how I was thankful that they were able to share their story with us this week, because they were willing enough to do so with the group. I was truly thankful for that, and to see how God has been working in their lives in the past year.
One of the magnificent things that God has given everyone is love language’s by which we communicate our love for others, and how we want to be loved back. This is a gift from Him to bring Him glory. My personal love language’s are: quality time and words of affirmation.
The bible says, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (HCSB) We are told to encourage people and build people up, but in order to do so what do you need?
I believe these love languages are true to me. If someone were to tap me on the back and just told me, “I’m proud of you,” or “ Your doing a great job” I would be fine, so I would say, but really what is the true meaning of words of affirmation. It is by which actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up. (taking from http://www.5lovelanguages.com/)
Side note—-With the knowledge to be able to encourage people one knows what to say to bring someone down. One of the strongest verses to me is, “So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things. Consider how large a forest a small fire ignites.” James 3:5 (HCSB) It speaks truth to how strong our words our. One little phrase can cut a person down for a long time, so when we speak we should say glorious things to bring God glory and to not cut people down. I can sometimes cut someone down with the words I say
Back to the story—-I also believe that in order to experience this in the way God wants us to you need to have feelings. To not numb them when someone asks you to share them or to numb them at all.
When I see myself I don’t see a whole lot of good, but when others see me all they see is Christ. I know that Christ is in me and He shines through me, but when I know how I feel and what I think, it is a battle against everything Christ has done for us. When God sees one that believes in His Son all He sees is the blood of Christ that washes us clean of our imperfections and He sees a new creation that is pure and holy.
A few years ago I had someone tell me what that see in me. They said, “All the see is a guy that loves The Lord, and no matter what your past was it doesn’t matter, because I see Christ when I look at you.” It felt like it came straight from God. When people tell me they see Christ in me it causes me to cry and my spirits sky. It boggles my brain when I hear what people see in me, because I don’t see that in me. In my heart I know this is not true, but my head continually shuts those feelings out. You know the one God wants me to feel.
As I sat there, after the group was done sharing, one of my friends (Dan) came up to give me feedback. He started of with, “Derek you’re an awesome guy….” I instantly said thanks and looked away but I had no idea he wasn’t done. All I could do was battle with myself about getting up and finding the person that I didn’t want to go give feedback to.
Eventually I got up and started looking for them. “Great now I have to share my feelings with someone,” I thought. Now I truly want to tell people how great they are doing and why I feel they did a good job, but that means I have to feel.
Wait! What? All of this doesn’t make sense. God wants me to love people with encouraging words but in order to do that I need to know my feelings, but when I go to them, I numb them.
See this is the misunderstanding I have with what God has giving me. The little piece of His Kingdom that He has entrusted me with I have misused it.
I finally found the person. It might have been awkward for me to tell them how I felt, but I needed to do it. I finally had to access my feelings. God gives us them so we can grow more and love others. Like He loves us.
Luckily my friend Dan is a forgiving guy and persistent. I sat down in a chair by the staircase. Dan came over and sat on the staircase. He told me, “I haven’t given you your feedback yet.” I then said, “Yes you did Dan, you said I was an awesome guy!” But to come to find out he wasn’t done. I was rude and just brushed him off. I apologized for doing so then asked if he could finish it for me.
I am paraphrasing what he said to best of my memory. He told me that I was a great person. Who is encouraging and that I work with a joyful heart. I am funny, and that he wished that I were around more so he could laugh more. That I make situations better no matter what they were. That I work well with children and I gave them patience, and was able to get them to listen to me. How much I loved on the children like he has never seen before, and that I have confidence in the things that I do. He said a lot more, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.
Dan could bring a tear to you eye in the encouragement that he gives, but I learned a lot through my tears. God wants me to see myself like that. He loves me, so I should love myself. To love is to have feelings and I need to stop numbing them. I need to see Christ in me not who I was in the past.
So I am going to ask, if you see me, please feel free to ask me how I am feeling? No matter if I want to share or not. If you encourage me keep doing it even if I am awkward at first. God apparently wants me to walk down this road. To be honest I need healing in a lot of areas in my life, but this is the one He is working on right now.
