Yesterday and today I (Christina) have been suffering from a bit of mental anguish. Mental anguish is a term I recently learned from Beth Moore’s James Mercy Triumphs that I and my Womens’ small group are studying. This term can be compared to a mind in childbirth. James 1:2 tells us to “consider it great joy whenever we experience various trials.” These trials can vary. My current one was purely a state of mental distress.
I went a total of 1 ½ days without spending time in the Word, and the effects began to show rather quickly. Doubt, stress, anxiety, insecurities, bitterness, unforgiveness, pride…these began to plague my mind to the point that my mouth began speaking these thoughts aloud.
These few things I freely admit :
1. I need my time alone with the Lord DAILY. During the school week, I usually awake at 5:30 am to ensure I get this time. Time to study truth, reflect, confess, pray, and be filled with the Spirit for all the day might entail.
2. I need balance.
Back in high school and college, balance was something I greatly lacked. I did not know how to say, “no.” So rather than being effective in a few areas, I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to accomplish many things. Quantity vs. quality was my mindset. However, in more recent years, I have learned the importance of being healthy spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally. This includes getting what is mentioned in number 1, eating healthy, exercising, getting sufficient sleep, spending quality time with friends and family, and…bum ba bum, REST.
Rest is not limited to getting enough sleep throughout the week for me, although this does help me be healthy in most of those areas. Time to be still and just…BE. That’s what I need.
So, how did I get to my state of mental anguish? Working a forty hour plus week with my sweet students is wonderfully fulfilling, yet draining. This is why I need my daily dose of Jesus! Friday consisted of waking up at 4:35 to go to the gym before school, since there wouldn’t be time after school. Friday night was the Holiday party for the faculty and staff I work with. Derek and I went to bed rather late, and woke up to do burrito project the following day. After Burritos, I went to bake with my sweet 90 year old Grandma Julie, then came home to prepare food for our community meal. I was starting to break down around 4:30, and went for a “prayer run” while my sweet Babes finished preparing the food. Those moments of running and confessing and listening were balm for my soul. I appreciate the Lord setting my thought pattern straight, although it was hard to hear at the time. After dinner, I came home and spent some much needed time in the Word of Life. I had the opportunity to reflect and give thanks for the good gifts my Father has given me (see James 1:17).
Today, I awoke and went for another “prayer run,” this time with my Babes. It was my week to work in the Nursery at Church, and I arrived home around 12:35 pm. I was supposed to go to the Miami Heat basketball game tonight. Anyone who knows me well, knows I very much enjoy watching basketball, whether it is my sisters playing, or the Miami Heat. The idea of spending almost 6 hours driving to and from Miami, plus game time in between, began to overwhelm me. I could feel my aching body asking for REST. Although I have learned the lesson of saying “no,” sometimes I need to relearn that lesson. However, I did not want to disappoint my family, and really wanted to spend time with them, despite not feeling well. (I also suffer from desiring the approval of man/woman, greatly!)
So, I made a decision. Here I am at home, while my family and husband are off to the game. I took an hour and a half nap outside. I spent some more time in the Word, and decided to share this with you who will read it. It was not wrong for me to go to the game, or not to go to the game. All of the things my days consisted of in the above were not bad things. But I was too busy. I am thankful that it only took me 1 ½ days to realize that I cannot do this life without the Lord Jesus. I can feel the effects, and others can see the effects when I don’t very quickly. I am thankful for this, because it causes me to depend on the power of the Holy Spirit. If I was a person who could function in kindness without the Lord, I would struggle with pride even more than I do now. I would do things on my own strength even more than I do now.
I want to conclude with a verse I came across when I was reading this afternoon.
Psalm 54:4 “Surely God is my help; the Lord is the One Who sustains me.”
Let it be so for me, and for you.
