"Your feelings are real, but they are not truth."
This was said to I and my team mates at our final debrief. I am thankful for the wisdom and insight Selena spoke to us- for then and for the future.
I have thought of this quote over and over again the past few months, and it hit me hard again in my time with the Lord today.
When I and Derek were in pre-marital counseling, we read a book that taught us how to work through conflict in a healthy way. Some of the tips they gave were: Use "I" statements vs. "YOU" statements. Avoid using "always" or "never" when approaching someone. Usually those accusations are inaccurate. State how you felt and use a specific example of what the individual did to make you feel that way.
I'm a teacher, so I like using examples and non-examples. 🙂
Using "I" statements:
Example 1: I felt hurt when you invited the other girls to the beach, but I was not invited.
This example states the feeling/emotion you have and tells the individual what they did.
Non-Example 1: You made me feel hurt when you didn't invite me to the beach.
Starting this statement with YOU has a tendency to put the receiver on the offense. Also, no one can make you feel something. They can do something and then your brain processes the situation and emotions get involved.
Avoiding the use of "always" or "never."
Example 2: I want to encourage you to do your chore of taking out the trash. I know you are a responsible individual and have a lot on your mind. If you need a reminder, please let me know.
Non-Example 2: You never take out the trash. You always forget to take out the trash on time.
This non-example is stretching the truth. People don't always or never do something. They might not do it on time, but they get it done. This is really discouraging to hear "always" and "never."
Model for stating your feelings:
I felt (place emotion here) when you did (place action here) .
So this is all helpful information, but what about Selena's wisdom?
"Your feelings are real, but they are not truth."
Feelings are very real. Our God Himself experiences the emotions of anger, joy, sadness, delight…
But when we allow our feelings to control our thought process, it could get dangerous.
Let's take our first example. Someone felt hurt and left out that they did not get invited to the beach. They continued to focus on the hurt. Take an inside look at the downward spiral or their thought process.
"They must not like me. I guess I am not as good of a friend to them as I thought I was. Next time I go somewhere, I am going to purposely not invite them so they feel left out. I am not going to ask them how their time at the beach was when they come back…"
The individual's feelings have shifted from hurt to frustration, anger, and resentment.
Truth: The person who did the beach invitations for the day was having a private meeting with the other girls. These girls reached out asking for advice and counsel about struggles they were facing.
The feeling of hurt was real. But the truth of the matter is, the individual was not neglected because they did not want her company. This was not an ordinary beach date.
By using the conflict resolution model, they could approach the person, and open the conversation to receive insight on the situation.
In case the above example were too petty for some of you out there, let's take a look in the Good Book.
In Genesis 25:29-34, Esau is experiencing some intense feelings of hangriness. (Hangry-the feeling of being hungry and angry at the same time. Hangriness-the act of being hangry.) Esau allows his feelings to overrule his good judgment. He sells his birthright to his younger brother, Jacob, and misses out on the blessing of the first son as a consequence.
I can relate to Esau's hanger! When I think of how many times I have spoken harshly or put myself first when it comes to getting food…I want to beat my body into submission so that I am not controlled by my flesh.
In 2 Samuel 11:1-5 and 14-17, David allows his feelings of lust to justify his affair with Bathsheba. Then he murders her husband to cover up the sin.
In Genesis 16:1-6, Sarai is feeling inadequate that she has not bore Abram any children yet. She feels sorry for herself, and tells Abram to sleep with her maidservant. Then she gets jealous and mistreats Hagar!
Ay!
Sarai told herself a faulty assumption, "The Lord has kept me from having children."
Imagine if she handled things differently. Imagine if she took her feelings at the feet of her Abba, and surrendered them to Him.
"Abba, I am feeling inadequate and sorry for myself because I haven't conceived yet and I'm not getting younger. I want to be honest with how I feel, but ask you to help me not be ruled by my emotions. Help me to see the truth in the situation. I trust you have a plan far better than I could make myself, so I leave it in Your hands."
Do you think God would have told her, "My plan is for Hagar to bear your children. Go tell Abram to sleep with her."
I think not! In fact, just two chapters later, three visitors come to Abraham and Sarah (the name change occurred in chapter 17). The visitors told Abraham that Sarah would get pregnant and have a son in one year's time!
I write this as a reminder to myself to:
(1) Not be controlled by emotions and make faulty assumptions.
(2) Take my feelings to the faithful Abba and trust Him.
(3) Work through conflict in a healthy way.
Writing helps me process what I'm learning. Thanks for reading!
