My time at G42 Leadership Academy in Spain has been incredible. First semester has ended and a new semester is just being born. My vision plan is prepared (which I will share on here soon as i iron out a few more kinks) and I’m feeling very confident in carrying it out and seeing it come into a reality. But this post is a different type of post; to tell of my grapple with grace.
Last night, we had a night of worship with my class as well as all of the new class. I’ve been asking Jesus to allow me to be humbled down to the point where I can be honest and write what’s REALLY on my mind.
I don’t want to get to far into it because the poem pretty much speaks for itself. I began writing exactly how I was feeling. I was feeling: God’s grace makes no sense and it frustrates me. The poem transitions to a resolution of course…but you’ll see my thought process. Hopefully it makes sense to you and hopefully it even encourages you if you’ve ever had doubts or questions regarding God’s grace (especially how it doesn’t make sense). And another note: It’s totally okay that God’s grace doesn’t make sense. I’m not doubting God or anything like that. Quite the opposite. Through writing this from a place of honesty and humility, I’m even more stoked on Jesus than ever before. So with that, here’s something new I wrote with a delightfully semi-relevant title:
IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS MEANT TO BE READ OUT LOUD! PLEASE DO SO 🙂
Yukon Cornelius always bested the Bumble
It’s like there are chains on my brain
Where I search for recollection
But it’s all in vain
If I could only gain vision to see through the decay and profane
I could ignite a fresh fire
Fueled with propane to feed the flam and produce legs for the lame man known as me
To walk this road of Damascus
Blindly wandering
I identified myself as Barabbas
I was released to live free as you were handed over to die for me
I committed the crime so I deserve the time!
What was I supposed to do in such a situation?
Now I’m lost in this infatuation with trying to earn some sort of justification
It just doesn’t make sense
I could use this magnifying lens
Still I’d be lying to myself
That answers are found in books upon a shelf
It’s not in how much knowledge I achieve in college
The vast array of seeds and good deeds I put on display
In hopes you say
“Okay, you may stay. Come walk this way.”
This mentality I can’t face
Like my faith is a race
Based on performance and not a taste of grace
I know it’s about grace
But I’m a disgrace unworthy to stare you in the face
Look you dead between the eyes
Clutching both my sinful hands as my heart cries
I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND!
You say I was bought at a price
So wouldn’t it be nice to pay you back?
I get how Jonah must’ve felt
Sitting upon the hill
Where you’re mercy stilled the killing and thieving
Backstabbing and deceiving
The wicked believing in a savior
No longer seeking the fruits of their labor
But a fresh flavor worthy to savor
Your ways confound my tiny mind
So if you don’t mind
Remove my naturalistic confines
Setting free the ties that bind
Find me in my depravity
Release me from this captivity
To purely see you in true majesty
God was I really worth it?
For you to forfeit your one and only son
So you can rescue this fugitive on the run?
I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!
To have a life with a purpose…
So I clench my fists and swing at the air
Beating a fiend who isn’t even there
The demons on my back attack on all sides
Then retreat to a more clever place to hide
Tricking my thought process to believe I’m worthless
I’m bigger than this
I’m destined for greatness
BE STILL AND KNOW
BE STILL AND KNOW
I AM
I AM GOD
This is the essence
The ethos and breath of my presence
Just find rest
You’ll find me
Make me your nest
Enter eternity
It’s all yours today if you’d like to have it that way
This journey on the desert road
Showed me an important lesson
To lessen my striving
No more diving into the depths of my own sea of treachery
Sunken ships decorate the ocean floor for a reason
To resurrect the past is certain treason
Feed off the trees in a new season
Fresh from the vine where no tongue has yet tasted
No fruit shall be wasted
I’ll seek your provision each passing day
Lay aside the death that has died
8 feet under: the permanent residence of all I have plundered
Treasure chests full of medals and shrines
Broken bottles and old valentines
Lock them up and throw away the key
This treasure island was not my destiny
X marks the spot
Pointing out a land which time forgot
Where me and my friends are the Kings and queens
Where we have the means to speak into what’s not, as though it’s already been
Pour life into the hopeless and dying
Where we’re no longer trying to be anything birthed from pride
We solely abide as the bride
We tear down our towers of Babel
Setting aside the curiosity to dabble in our best interest
We’ve written chapter one
But our Father knows the rest
You best be a witness when the world turns upside down
Country to country
Town to town
Once we dwelled in caves
Soon brought to the light by the hand who saves
Scars telling a story
Reflecting His glory
Resulting in faces full of joy
All these broken girls and broken boys
The Father smile spread wide
Upon this island of misfit toys
