“Therefore, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus”
~ Hebrews 12:1-2
As I mentioned in Part 1 of this blog, God has worked on my heart a lot in Cambodia with learning to be open and honest, and receive the grace that God gives: not being so hard on myself, but accept the love that God has for me regardless of what I’ve done or who I’ve been.
I love when I can live out my calling in the Lord.
I love the moments I am bold and brave, and do something awesome for the Kingdom.
But there ARE times, when I give in to fear and don’t act.
There are times I feel like I’ve fallen so short.
SO
On St. Patrick’s Day, I wrote this new spoken word.
This was me getting everything off my chest to God and just being real with Him.
My encouragement to everyone is just let go.
Let go of trying to impress people on your own strength.
And if you do stumble and fall: don’t beat yourself up or struggle in silence!
GET BACK UP!!!!
I want to serve the Lord every single day of my life and I want to tell everyone about Jesus and what He has done in my life.
BUT
I want people to also realize, that I am still only a man, a sinner, in need of a Savior. And I am so privileged that He would choose to use me, wherever I’m at in life. So thankful for His grace and all He has done in my life.
And SIDENOTE:
While in Cambodia, I wanted to get myself a little souvenir/reminder of what God has done in my life this month, that represents “letting go” and “being open”: So here’s this little guy on my foot…
Prelude to this poem:
I just spoke with my parents via Skype, and had to address one line in this that I’ve never flat out talked about to them. It was scary to up and say that I honestly considered whether life was worth living, back nearly 10 years ago. I’ve had fear of telling them for over 10 years, and this morning I finally let it out. My fears were how they would respond. And you know how they responded:
We still love you
We’re still proud of you
I’m so thankful for my parents and for who they are in my life, and in how they love me despite of the shame I’ve felt over my battle with depression and suicide. I’m so relieved and feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and feel so free, that I’ve been able to be honest with them, and was not faced with disappointment or condemnation, but love. I love you mom and dad.
Without further ado, here’s my new spoken word (read it out loud), all about wanting to be honest and come clean before the Lord.
The Luck of the Irish
I’m sitting here
Face to face with my biggest fear
As my end draws near
I decide to change gears
Pedaling tirelessly uphill
With such a weight on my back
All the foolishness I tried to pack
Can’t rack my brain
On hidden luggage lain
That should’ve ridden the baggage claim
And ridden myself of all these idols
Letting go of achievements and titles
What I’ve done isn’t who I am
My public image is but a sham
I crack the door, then quickly
SLAM
The door stays closed
I suppose I show
Only what I want you to see
Not the shameful side inside of me
I’m not a total actor
My fear’s the simple factor
It makes the task to remove the mask
Harder than the drunkard
Dropping the flask
I’m an addict
Don’t you get it?
The image I portray
God I wish it were every day
I want to believe the words they say
But they haven’t seen the times I ran the other way
How my time could’ve been spent
But I stayed silent
Knowing to pray for the sick or impaired
But I was “too scared”
Sometimes I feel my ship is still sunk
And though I’ve never been drunk
Ive had selective social spirits
Pushed others’ boundaries to their limits
God I wanna crucify my habits!
Patch me up with your bloody first aid kits
This damage can’t be undone
But you still call me Son
After I’ve lied and cheated
Felt so defeated
All faith depleted
I’ve repeated pointing the finger
Accusing you in your lack to linger
When I felt abandoned
My heart dropped into sin
I ask forgiveness for my loneliness
Acting out
I was such a mess
Quickly giving my heart away
Never saving it for it’s proper day
I’ve doubted my calling
“The shepherd who’s always falling”
Breaking my neck to take a second look
With lustful eyes
I took a book of broken hearts
Misleading innocence only to fall apart
My membership stayed intact
Though my purity was viciously attacked
I was fearful and tried to hide
Claiming in you I’d abide
Yet fell so low to suicide
But I’m still standing!
I never gave in to the demanding
My record will not decide my future
Shout with me if you concur
From that desolate grave
Brought to life, by the Hand who saves
You’ve made be brave
To hop on board to ride the waves
I’m far from a failure
Smooth seas never make a skilled sailor
Is what I’ve heard
That spurred me on to stir the Word
God I wanna be whole
Not weakened by the trust I stole
I’ve fallen too many times
But I’ll continue to rise
David sinned to my surprise
And every way under your skies
Coming to repentance
With teary eyes
He removed his disguise
David was wise to admit his folly
Not hoodwinking the masses
Pretending to be jolly
The difference between him and me
Is he came clean!
Allowing himself to be seen
I won’t be deceived by the lie I believed
To not admit our secret sin
Is giving the enemy the ultimate win
I lay it down
I make my appeal
It’s time to get real
Confessing my sins, finally be healed
It’s not about who gets first place in the race
But who will be honest and receive true grace
Despite my history and where I’ve been
Each dawn of a new day, I may begin
No more labels
Tall tales or fables
Good times or bad
Whether happy or sad
I’m a sinner in need of redeeming
No longer plotting or scheming
But dreaming a life of freedom
Walking it out til Kingdom come
Thank you
