” I’m not who you think I am”…or better yet, “I’m not who I was”….
These are a couple thoughts that have been going on in my mind as of lately so I wanted to write yet another blog to share with you about what is & has been going on in my life as of lately (within the last 5 months).
As you know, or may not know, in my last blog I shared with you about my desire to go to G42 Leadership Academy in Spain because I felt that GOD was calling me there to help me grow in the area of leadership in order to become the man of GOD HE wanted me to be/become. Well, long story short, I didn’t end up going and have been here in Phoenix, AZ trying to get back on my feet stability wise…emotionally, physically, financially and most importantly, spiritually. And to be completely honest, I was very disappointed that I wasn’t able to go to G42 LA, but found peace & comfort in knowing that this wasn’t where GOD wanted me to be during this season of my life.
So, I have been here in Phoenix trying to get back on my feet and allowing GOD to meet me where I am at and it has been very hard, but very, very healthy. You see, I have to be upfront and totally honest with you…since I became a Christian (since 1997) I have been very, very
religious. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines ” Religious “ as a service(s) or a personal set of or institutionalized system of religious beliefs, attitudes and practices”.
religious. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines ” Religious “ as a service(s) or a personal set of or institutionalized system of religious beliefs, attitudes and practices”.
And in the words of a fellow sister in CHRIST, I echo her words in agreement…” I have put on a religious mask doing all the “right” things.
I have gotten my identity from the things I did and the praise I got
from others. I have pretended to be perfect (often at times lying to do so) for
so long, I lost my identity. I did the praying and bible reading but it
did not connect to my heart- it was all head knowledge. I have been a
Pharisee- judging people and myself by the standard of perfection that
no one but Jesus can meet.”
I have gotten my identity from the things I did and the praise I got
from others. I have pretended to be perfect (often at times lying to do so) for
so long, I lost my identity. I did the praying and bible reading but it
did not connect to my heart- it was all head knowledge. I have been a
Pharisee- judging people and myself by the standard of perfection that
no one but Jesus can meet.”
**(More to come on this in my next blog…Why I hate Religion).**
Some other areas that GOD has been helping me work through are trust, commitment and fear issues. HE’s been showing and teaching me about how to open up in deep conversations while being transparent & genuine in relationships. HE’s shown me that I had a bunch of walls (hurts, fears, failures, rejection, etc.)
that I built up from my past in order to try to protect myself and my personal image (Example = not kissing before I got married). Other areas GOD has been teaching and growing me is in sharing my true emotions/feelings in unconditional love. And finally, GOD showing me and helping me to work through my perfectionist attitude/mind-set (which is not a bad thing, but also, not a good thing. But needs to be a healthy balance in doing/being so).
that I built up from my past in order to try to protect myself and my personal image (Example = not kissing before I got married). Other areas GOD has been teaching and growing me is in sharing my true emotions/feelings in unconditional love. And finally, GOD showing me and helping me to work through my perfectionist attitude/mind-set (which is not a bad thing, but also, not a good thing. But needs to be a healthy balance in doing/being so).
I can honestly share with you that I don’t have it all figured out, but am allowing GOD to change me from the inside out…spirit, soul, mind & body. As a result, I am becoming whole and complete “IN CHRIST” (Colossians 2:10), I am truly “walking in newness of (my) life” (Romans 6:4) and I am starting to live in GOD’s freedom that HE offers through HIS Son JESUS.
So, in closing, I have to make a personal confession & an apology to any and all of my family & friends…
” I thought I was a perfect Christian…saying the right things, doing the right things…playing the so called perfect part or role…looking good on the outside by acting like I had it ‘all together’ when in reality, I was dying on the inside, desiring more to this Christian walk, in life and in my personal relationship with GOD.” Two years ago, I cried out to GOD telling HIM “There’s got to be more than what I am experiencing right now. GOD I am empty and feel so dry…there has to be more to this life than the everyday mundane & motions I am going through as a so called Christian… I want more of you.” And the answer of my heartfelt cry….The World Race (www.theworldrace.org) and placing an honest, life-saving & beautiful sister in CHRIST (www.rachelhartman.theworldrace.org) into my heart & life. Enough said, GOD heard my heartfelt cry and wrecked my whole world by sending me on The World Race and back & bringing Rachel into my heart & life to get me to this point in my intimate walk and relationship with HIM that I have now.”
Dear Family & Friends…”please forgive me because I let you down by giving you a false perception of what a true Christian is, but most importantly, who GOD is…GOD is love and doesn’t look at the outside of our skin, but looks at our hearts within. Sorry for putting such a bad taste in your mouth because I was the one living in my self-righteousness and sin. How can I ever receive your forgiveness? I want you to know that I plead guilty and I grieve with sadness within. So, I ask for your forgiveness and pray that you will find it within to forgive & forget. So I can begin again to genuinely show you GOD’s relentless love for you because he created you & I to relate, walk and love HIM.”
Heavenly FATHER….please forgive me for my idolatry of myself & of my own selfish ways. For trying to please man rather than you. I am truly humbled & thankful for the work that you have done within the past two years through The World Race mission trip and through your precious princess & daughter Rachel. I am forever grateful & thankful with my whole heart and being. Thank you for your promise that you will continue to
do a good work in me while pefecting me until the day of CHRIST JESUS return. In JESUS’ name-Amen.
do a good work in me while pefecting me until the day of CHRIST JESUS return. In JESUS’ name-Amen.
Last, but not least, please know that I am not saying that I have totally arrived, far from it, but I am saying that ” I’m not who you think I am”…or better yet, “I’m not who I was” . Praise GOD that HE loves me enough to take me through all
this crap not leaving me where I was, but cares & loves me enough
to bring me to a continuing place to where & who HE wants me to
be/become…like HIS Son JESUS!!
this crap not leaving me where I was, but cares & loves me enough
to bring me to a continuing place to where & who HE wants me to
be/become…like HIS Son JESUS!!
What about you? Truly & honestly ask yourself, people & GOD these important questions:
“Who do you say you are?”…
“Who do people say you are?”,
but most importantly,
“Who does GOD say you are?”
