Some of the hardest moments in life are when you’ve prayed hard, but the answer is NO, and you don’t know why. I may never know, but that is the Litmus test of trust. -Circle Maker
What’s your response to the enemy’s tactics of defeat?
The last three weeks have been nothing short of hell.
On Friday, May 13, at approximately 12:34 am the death call rung. I was fast asleep before I felt Cassie, our team leader, gently nudge my leg and whisper my name. As I jumped up, I heard her say that Megan, our squad mentor, was on the phone, and she needed to speak to me. Without hesitation, it registered that this phone call signified some sort of an emergency concerning my family. The urgency of the call was evident because the previous week I made a decision to send my electronics back to the states with the intent of eliminating social media as a source of distraction. So I knew that if this wasn’t urgent, our leadership could have gotten ahold of any of the other six girls at a decent time the following morning. I picked up the phone and proceeded to do as I was asked and stepped outside. With a silence before she uttered the words, I knew that something was terribly wrong. The dreadful words I refused to accept so soon; “Denise, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but we’ve received a call on the emergency line, and your father passed away last night.” Did I just hear that right?! Mr. Thomas is dead? I couldn’t wrap my mind around what I’d just heard; I’d spoken to him the week before, and he was lively. We chatted about my aunt in North Carolina and her health condition and then he affirmed that he was doing “ok”; a typical response in conversation and not one to cause an alarming concern. It took a few minutes to fully register that Mr. Thomas was gone; he lost his battle to cancer, and I was in Cambodia. We had an agreement to see each other in November with a promise that he’d fight to the end; he fought the good fight and won because he’s in Heaven, where suffering is non-existent. Although, Mr. Thomas and I are reunited in spirit, I’m in pain with a shattered heart holding on a promise that only the Lord can fulfill; “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
I flew back to the states two days later to finalize funeral arrangements and finish last minute logistics within five full days. The gift that I was given to be able to fly home was a miracle simply because I did not have the finances to even complete the remainder of the funding to stay the entire eleven months. I had less than $100.00 in the bank, so home was out of my reach; little did I know what the Lord had up His sovereign sleeve. He strategically set up a divine appointment for a particular couple and I to cross paths several months beforehand. I caught a glimpse of their purpose but underestimated the power of their influence and presence in my life.
From the moment the Korean Airlines flight landed in Houston on Monday, May 16 to take off on Saturday, May 21, my mum and I were mission-minded. There was no time to “relax,” and enjoy the American comforts I chose to leave behind in January. This was not the ideal circumstance I expected to welcome me home, but in the midst of my brokenness I still trusted the Lord’s faithfulness. I clung tightly to the truth in Psalm 23:
“The Lord is my shepherd
I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and staff
protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing
my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
I needed Him to speak and confirm the completion of the initial task at hand; finishing the World Race. He gently reminded me that I was stronger than I perceived myself to be. He wasn’t done with me yet, and home this season was overseas with Him. I wanted to give up; how could I give someone what I could barely muster to believe during this trying time? I wanted the easy way out, and stay home. He wanted me to press in and push forward by relinquishing the burden and allowing my weaknesses to soar underneath the shadow of His wings. He called and equipped me to simply present an opportunity for others to come to Him through this kingdom journey. He delighted in bringing the Kingdom to earth by creating space for us to extend the invitation of the Good News to all. The method has never mattered, but the message has and will always stay the same; give them Jesus. He chose me, Denise, and the due season long before the earth existed and again, in October 2014, so now halfway through the race that wouldn’t change. I had to be willing to acknowledge my weakness, let go of control, and take Him at His word:
Proverbs 5:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.”
Hours before I knew what lied ahead on May 13th, Ari, a fellow teammate, and I decided to meet up for our accountability session. The plan had been to meet twice that day; to begin and end with a discussion of our dependence of His daily bread and revelation. The Lord had impressed on my heart the scripture reading in James 1:1-4: “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” When I shared this passage with Ari, I laughed because I envisioned what it would look like to put this into practice. There have been some downright ugly and difficult moments on the race, and I never counted them as a pure privilege nor an opportunity to be joyous. I could have been justified in some, but that was besides the point. I simply chose not to execute the extension of grace and exercise the action of love. I continued forward with the scripture and consciously tried to remind myself to activate it when the tough times snuck up, and I wanted to question their existence. Now, the Lord was positioning me for an increased dosage of strength, faith and endurance as the enemy attempted to wipe me out with his next move.
The devil and his posse formed mad weapons against me, but each of them were failed attempts. It may have felt like a blindside attack, but in actuality it wasn’t.
In October 2014, I knew that it would be a matter of time before I’d jet across the world having the greatest honor to date. When I signed up for the WR, I assumed I knew what abandonment was; I watched the infamous video on the home screen of the website and immediately shouted a resounding YES. My spirit leaped, and I felt like I finally found the missing puzzle piece to my life. I prayed, prayed some more, and then I applied. I wasn’t sure if I heard the Lord give me His yes, but I would soon find out. When I received the acceptance, I thought about all the great things I would see and do, and people I would meet. I was so consumed with all the fundraising and final preparations that I never took the time to sit down and process what my yes would cost me. I thought the yes meant selling all my material possessions and embracing a simplified life.
Two weeks before launch I faced a tough cross road. My father and I had a heart to heart, and as his only family in Houston, I wanted to make sure that he had peace about me going on this trip. He would frequently remind me that there are two times in life that you need someone; when you’re sick, and when you’re in prison. He experienced both, and the only person that supported him through was a distant cousin. So having this insight, I wanted my father’s blessing. Mr. Thomas firmly believed in tough love, and his advice was that it didn’t matter if I were in Houston or Africa I couldn’t change his diagnosis nor prolong his life; God had the final outcome. He was satisfied that I decided to break the mold. I wasn’t apart of the statistics he encountered regularly in the impoverished community he resided in. As he smiled, he said go. I later overheard a conversation that he was given six months to live, but God knew it all along. On the drive home, I cried as anyone in my shoes would have, but in the depth of my heart I knew that the possibility of seeing my father after January 7, 2016 was slim to none. The only explanation was the Lord preparing my heart for the phone call I would receive five months later.
Following Jesus has never been an easy feat. He never promised a pain-free life. It’s guaranteed we’ll experience pain, anguish, heartbreak, and brokenness in this lifetime, but He has also given us the option to partner with Him. In our weakness His strength carries us through and through and through every single time. The disciples experienced a multitude of emotions,and they didn’t always understand the cost of their yes, but what they knew about the character of the Messiah outweighed the feelings they felt. Friends, this isn’t a pat me on the back story; this is a testament of His faithfulness. His word is what keeps me alive. On most days, I’m weak and have no motivation to wear the hat I’m assigned to in order to share the Gospel at the Buddhist school we’re teaching at this month in Thailand.
I’m still in the game and on the race, but not just the temporary World Race. The race of a lifetime in following a man that gave up His life for mine.
So I’m asking you, will you join me and live your yes without condition?
Mr. Thomas, my ray of sunshine.
** I’m still fundraising and need $1,964 in order to finish in November with our squad. I’ve exhausted all my personal resources and creative ideas, so now I’m asking you, the reader, to help me and donate above on the support me button. Every dollar moves the bar, but more importantly helps countless Buddhist children and teachers hear and experience the Good News that a price can never dictate what Christ did on the cross for you and I. You are now giving the local Thai people the opportunity to drink the living water; Jesus.
