There has been a change of plans. I will not be departing in September. If you would like a more detailed explanation, you can keep reading, but the bottom line is that I have done a lot of researching, reading, discussing, journaling, and praying, and I have come to the conclusion that God is leading me to not go – at least not right now.
My decision to not go in September came through a series of moments in the last couple weeks. Of course, all kinds of thoughts have been flying around my head as I began to consider the possibility of not going, but I am sure now that my decision is not based on the moments of worry I have felt in the preparations, or on any fears of what I might encounter on the Race. (Actually, I think I will be facing much greater fears in choosing not to go.) My decision is based only on what I believe God has been leading me to do.
In making decisions in my life, I have rarely felt compelled by God to choose one way or the other. In those moments, it is not that I believe that God was not paying attention. Rather I believe that sometimes either choice would be glorifying to Him and sometimes I think I probably just do not listen well. However, in my desire to make the right choices, I have sometimes become frustrated with a lack of leading – or “calling” as some might say. I have doubted that I have a calling or a purpose in life at all – doubted that God could use me. Sometimes I feel like I am just busy going about all the “regular” things of life, worrying and stressing about things that seem so insignificant when compared with the immense amount of need in our world. I want to experience a deeper spiritual life, a life where I have no more doubts about the goodness, faithfulness, and power of our God. A life where I can see, hear, and witness Him bringing about justice in our world. While these desires are good, I think that in some way, deep down, signing up for the World Race was a denial of faith in the fact that all those things could be happening here, in my life right now. While I think many good things could result in me going on the World Race, I want to make sure I am honestly seeking to know and love God above my desires of purpose, justice, a deeper spirituality, adventure, or holy discomfort. I know that in seeking God first, those things will come.
Here is a quote from Making All Things New, a book I read this week by Henry Nouwen, which resonated with me:
“’Being in the world without being of the world.’ These words summarize well the way Jesus speaks of the spiritual life. It is a life in which we are totally transformed by the Spirit of love. Yet it is a life in which everything seems to remain the same. To live a spiritual life does not mean that we must leave our families, give up our jobs, or change our ways of working; it does not mean that we have to withdraw from social or political activities or lose interest in literature and art; it does not require severe forms of asceticism or long hours of prayer. Changes such as these may in fact grow out of our spiritual life, and for some people radical decisions may be necessary. But the spiritual life can be lived in as many ways as there are people. What is new is that we have moved from the many things to the kingdom of God. What is new is that we are set free from the compulsions of our world have set our hearts on the only necessary thing. What is new is that we no longer experience the many things, people, and events as endless causes for worry, but begin to experience them as the rich variety of way in which God makes his presence known to us.”
Oh, and these familiar words apply I think… Though I rarely worry about not having enough, but rather about what to do with the excesses afforded to me – including the excess time I have to ponder purpose and the overwhelming amount of choices available to me every day.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:25-34
By the way, this does not mean I am never doing the World Race – only that I believe I would honour God more in not departing in September. I have many fears in staying, but I think I need to take the risk that God will lead me to exactly where I should be. I just need a bit of time to make sure my heart is seeking after the Father's heart first, and allowing my decisions, actions, and tasks in life to stem from that.
