Côte d’Ivoire, The Ivory Coast, Africa. But not just Africa. This was West Africa, and trust me, I had no idea what I was in for.
When you think of Africa as an American citizen, what are the first thoughts that come to your mind? For me, it was dry, flatland. Open landscapes. Beautiful evening stars. Elephants and lions and zebras and safaris!!
Yeah, none of that was my African experience. Apparently, West Africa is nothing like the Africa Simba showed me in The Lion King. Who knew? Clearly, not me.
Let’s see, we lived in a house on a peninsula called Adjahui, which is part of Abidjan, the big city. To get to our little peninsula we took a large canoe/ferry thing across a big lagoon. There were no paved roads on the peninsula, just sand. Lots and lots of sand. There was no public plumbing or water system on it either. We did have a toilet, though! A big AMEN for that! We drew water from a well to flush our… well… you know, and that was that. Bucket showers were the life out there. And OH MY GOSH was it HOT! I probably lost more weight/inches in Côte d’Ivoire than any other country because we sweated so much. The Lord blessed us, though, because there was a constant breeze that we could enjoy, so we spent a lot of time sitting outside under the coconut trees.
Our ministry hosts were amazing. They had the biggest servant hearts. Every single meal was cooked for us every day – breakfast, lunch and dinner. They cleaned the dishes for us after every meal, as well. They wouldn’t even let us do our own laundry! Probably because they thought it was hilarious watching the Americans try to hand wash their clothes, but still… even when we tried to do it ourselves they would take the buckets away and just do it for us. In reality, they wanted to serve. I’ve never experienced hospitality like I did in Africa.
Our ministry was, once again, evangelism. We did prayer walks around the peninsula. We talked about Jesus to people in the neighborhoods. We preached at a couple of different churches and led worship. We did a women’s conference, helped a YWAM team, met and prayed with the chief, and the big one for me was an evening church service we did at the end of the month where they let me preach a gospel message and 17 people ended up accepting Jesus. It was great!
If you want me to be real and authentic about this month, though, Côte d’Ivoire was one of the hardest months I’ve experienced on the race. The truth is I disliked Côte d’Ivoire and was disappointed that it didn’t meet my expectations for what I dreamed my first African experience would be like.
Here’s a deeper look into the realities of what I was going through in Côte d’Ivoire even amidst the amazing things God did openly through our ministry:
- In month 4 the reality of community living began to hit home hard, and the effects it had on my personal ministry were at times difficult to move past. You can’t live with someone in such close quarters for an extended period of time and not experience some tension. We are human, after all.
- I had an allergic reaction to the anti-malaria medication I was taking and woke up nearly every evening around 3am for a week with my face feeling like it was on fire.
- The environment we were living in was hard to handle and absolutely uncomfortable. We sweated constantly. I was exhausted, but I couldn’t even sleep most nights because all I did was lay in a pool of water dripping from my body. Even if I showered right before going to bed, I would wake up the next morning with my hair still wet because the humidity was so intense nothing could dry.
- It was too “dangerous” for us to walk outside our complex alone, especially as women, so we were trapped again, just like Colombia, inside a small area.
- I was experiencing a lot of tension with one of my teammates/friends, and because of the insecurities within myself and those that I maintain around my ability to overcome conflict, the tension between us remained untouched and unspoken about for a long time. A long time on the Race could only be 6 days, but feel like months. I honestly don’t know how long it went on – probably a little over a week. Regardless, my need for approval and to be liked by everyone, including this teammate, at times even affected my way of thinking, and it was just straight-up hard.
You see, I have an issue at times with letting my emotions control me and my actions – which is why I tend to shut them down. I don’t trust them. As I said, my need for approval can affect my way of thinking. It can even drive me to do/say/become things that aren’t ME. Does that make sense?
Something happened in The Ivory Coast, though… something I feel like I just started to realize and understand with clear eyes this last month, so I’m still processing it. A journey to more freedom.
I’ll try to explain by sharing this story:
One big thing that happened towards the end of this month took place just before the big message I preached – the one I mentioned earlier. I’ve known for many years that I have a love deep down in my soul. A love for sharing the Word of God. Not like a pastor… I’m not a shepherd. I just love giving, sharing and explaining God’s Word. He speaks to me through it and will often lay something on my heart as a specific message for a specific person or people. Think evangelistic, motivational, and occasional words of knowledge.
Earlier on in this journey I shut that part of myself down for fear that it would cause a rift within my team. I told myself it was because I felt a need to counter the possibility that my pride would raise itself up inside of me regarding a known gift/passion, which may be partially true, but the truth is there were times in the beginning of the race when my passion for the Word would come across to my teammates as “too preachy”. Comments were made that unintentionally led to my shutting that part of me down in order to gain and/or keep their approval.
Are you following me, now?
Here’s where things started to change, though. During a team time we had toward the end of the month we took some time to do Listening Prayer for each other. We pray and ask the Lord to speak to us, then sit and listen. Words, pictures, whispers and direction… these are things we may be waiting for. We drew pieces of paper from a pile that had the name of one of our team members on it. We didn’t open the paper, so we had no idea who we selected, it could even be ourselves. After we drew the slip, we prayed and asked God to give us a message for that person because He knew the name.
The message given to me (which was actually written by my own hand because I drew my own name) led me straight to Ephesians 3 where Paul talks about how he was mandated to be a preacher of the Gospel to the gentiles. Verse 8 was what hit me the hardest:
“To me, who am less than the least of all the saints, this grace was given, that I should preach among the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ.”
I knew immediately what God was trying to say to me – He made me a preacher of His goodness, of His love and grace, and has sent me to encourage His followers with the beauty of the riches of Christ. A beauty that is really hard to see and understand sometimes, but for some reason, though I am unworthy, He has gifted me with an ability to present His messages in a way that brings encouragement in truth. I had shut that side of me down, and now He was telling me to forget about the approval of man, and to seek His approval alone (not that He ever disapproved of me) and to walk in the fullness He created me to walk in. To walk in my gifts confidently and no longer hide who I am.
I broke down. It’s one of only a handful of moments where I recollect actually sobbing before my team as I explained what God was doing.
This is where I believe God began another noticeable trend that will likely come up again during this reflection period. Throughout a good portion of this journey He has been trying to bring me into freedom from my need for man’s approval that was (and sometimes still is) so strong it pushes me to change who I am and who He has created me to be. The fact of the matter is I don’t need anyone else or their approval. All I need is God, and He is enough.
With Him I can walk shamelessly in the fact that He has created me to speak His Word. He has created me to worship. He has created me to love. He has created me as both a thinker and a feeler – take that Myers-Briggs! He has created me as an introvert who connects deeply. He’s also created me to be a nerdy goofball who can sometimes be extremely awkward and a dingus. I am genuine, sentimental, a lover of self-education, appreciative of those who try to get to know me even when I don’t make it easy (thank you, Pily!). I’m analytical, and honestly appreciate those who analyze me. It makes me feel like you’re trying to get to know me. I’m NOT a natural leader. I’m a natural follower. I will never be a party girl. I love animals. I love science. I love history. I love Tolkien and comic books and superheroes, and kids who think they’re superheroes. And while I love good conversation, I still think watching movies together (in moderation) is one of my love languages. This is me.
All I need to do is love the Lord, my God, with all my heart, soul mind and strength, and to love my neighbor as myself. To walk in the fruits of the Holy Spirit, which loving my God and seeking Him first will lead me to do. His love and acceptance is genuine and always present, and it’s all I need to be okay with simply being me.
