The Art of Hypocrisy

Have you ever caught yourself reading a passage like this and immediately thinking about all of the “other” people in your life it applies to? 

 

**THROWS HAND IN THE AIR** 

 

 

In fact, it just happened the other day as I was hanging out in my room spending time with the Lord. I read this passage and immediately a landslide of people start coming to mind…

 

“Yeah, so-n-so really struggles with that” and “blah-blah can be really conceited sometimes”

 

Then, the best part of this thought process…

 

“Maybe I should help them. I’m not very selfish or conceited.”

 

*Insert hard eye roll*

 

Let’s talk a little about the art of hypocrisy. Sometimes I really think I’m a master of this art. 

 

Merriam-Webster’s definition of the word hypocrisy: “the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion; a feigning {a false impression} to be what one is not”

 

Last year (and the year before) the Lord and I started talking pretty heavily about pride and the lack of humility I can often walk in. Granted, most of those in my sphere would never presume this to be true, but the closer you get to me the more it becomes apparent.  

 

Here’s the thing about me… my pride is hidden in what is perceived to be humility. A false humility. The simple, little loving Denea who just wants to give and help and love. 

 

Yes, I help. I help a lot, actually. I do my best to be available when you need me. I encourage people, and tell them how awesome they are. I listen when people need someone to hear them out. I buy things for them when they casually mention (not asking me to do anything) that they need/want something. I hug and kiss and sing and dance and teach and  do, do, do, do… all the things. All for the sake of what I tell you is none other than that thing everyone longs for – love.

 

**Insert second hard eye roll**

 

You want to know the truth, though? The truth is I’m both selfish and conceited, I’m not very humble, and I don’t really love very well. 

 

Yep. It’s true. There’s a hypocrite who lives inside of me. She judges and criticizes everyone else focusing on what they need, and meanwhile goes about life with a giant log protruding from her eyeball. 

 

Oh yeah? How so? Are you sure? 

 

Yes, I’m more than sure. I’m very sure. You want to know how I’m sure? Well, because recently my love has not been without condition. It hasn’t been patient or kind. In fact, it’s been boastful, envious and selfish, and honestly very full of pride.

 

 

Over the last few weeks I’ve noticed that prideful side of me rearing it’s head a little more than normal.  That self-seeking person that I hate admitting lives inside of me. The fleshly, flawed Denea that I despise, yet she still exist and, nonetheless, I’m going to admit her presence in hopes that maybe it will give her a little less strength now that she’s outed.

 

While yes, I may do a lot for others, especially those close to me, it’s not always selflessly. I want something in return – some sort of affirmation that you noticed or liked what I did. Not because I want to serve, but because I want your approval. Honestly, there’s a longing inside of me for people to “need” me. A need to be needed. And that’s not selfless, nor is it healthy! This is called a people-pleaser. 

 

I actually have a pretty savvy gift (here comes my pride). I’m really good at perceiving the needs of others. I can spot a weak individual a mile away and after a brief conversation know exactly what they need, how to comfort them, how to guide them, how to encourage and motivate them. This comes in pretty handy when you want to make friends. Everyone wants someone they can depend on, right?

 

The problem is I really like the affirmation it gives me to know you depend on me. It makes me feel powerful. It makes me feel wanted and worthy. It makes me feel approved. It makes me feel (falsely) loved. That feeling of being loved, then, begins to identify itself with the things I “do” as opposed to being loved simply for being me. 

 

You know what this is called? Being insecure.

 

I like feeling loved. Don’t you? Of course you do. We all do. Here’s the crazy, ironic downside of basing my value and worth on actions, though, and not on the identity we have in Christ…

 

I begin to try harder and harder to create atmospheres like the one where you “needed” me in order to feed my dependency on your need, sometimes to the point of denying my own needs out of a false sense of selflessness. That savior complex I’ve mentioned in previous blogs starts poking it’s head out. 

 

“I can save you! I can save the world! I know what the world needs!”

 

Yeah, that really sounds humble, right?

 

**Insert third hard eyeroll** 

 

When I mess up, I try and try and try harder, becoming more and more exhausted.

 

As this path runs deeper and deeper into a dark hole, an arrogant, hypocritically humble (I just want to love everyone) individual awakens. Someone who starts becoming resentful because she’s constantly searching to fulfill the worlds needs out of a selfish desire to be approved. Beyond that, she becomes a burden on the world because of her, ironically, neediness (a need to be caring for the world’s needs). 

 

Then, what happens next is the worst of all. That need to be needed in order to fulfill a desire for approval ends up pushing the world away, and the person gets exactly what she feared the most – no longer being wanted, approved or loved.

 

Whoa. That’s deep.

 

I know, right. 

 

Now, before everyone panics, let’s move this message along a more positive path. 

 

Seriously! It’s so melancholy in here!

 

I know, I know! I totally gloomed the mood. Which is why I’m going to lighten things up a bit! 😀 

 

Here’s the good news – I haven’t gone that far down the rabbit hole (I don’t think).

 

Whew! **insert nervous laughter**

 

BUT that’s the direction it’s come to my attention that I’ve been heading. The Lord, in His amazing mercy, is so gracious to me at times and He really helps me with my self-awareness. Granted, sometimes I hate admitting the awareness He brings… lol… but for my part it seems admission is always the best healing medicine.  

 

Here’s what has happened as this awareness has come into play. The Lord has been speaking truth. 😀

 

If truth be told, Denea, in her simplest form (nerdy, goofy, empathetic, easy-going, simple, friendly) is actually pretty awesome. Jesus told me that. She doesn’t have to do anything special to be wanted or loved. I mean, it’s good to be aware of other people’s needs. Genuinely. That’s a good thing! The compassion and empathy that naturally exist in the core of who I am – those are truly Christ-like qualities, but they don’t define who I am, nor do they define my value or worth. Jesus defined that a long time ago when He said I was worth dying for. 

 

What I do is of nominal value in the light of my heart’s belief in this – that God loves me tremendously! He loves you, too, ya know? And He’s way better at loving you than I could ever dream of being.

 

I don’t know that I will ever be someone who doesn’t want to help or give or nurture those in need. Honestly, I have no desire to NOT be that person. But I do desire to be okay with it when I’m not needed since Jesus is who everyone really needs, regardless. To even be okay with it if people don’t WANT me, ‘cause Jesus is who they should want most. God is the only one with the ability to supply everyone’s everything! How prideful for me to think I could come remotely close to His skills. 

 

So, here’s the plan: on my day off from work today I think I’ll just sit here at this coffee shop, write this message, enjoy my humble pie and let Him do His thing. No one needs me, I don’t need them to need me, and that’s perfectly okay.

 

– Denea