Let’s face it.
I like to be in control.
I like to know what’s happening at all times; the pride that comes with knowing I was able to correct a situation or foresee the consequence of an action appeases me.
Watching over my team like a protective mother hen as if I somehow have the strength and ability to protect them from all the evils of the world.
Yeah.
That’s me.
Always trying to have a handle on things in case someone or something slips up.
Last month while we were in Ecuador this issue came up in some pretty dramatic ways. I’m not going to lie, my team is awesome and they have a ton of patience and grace.
The probability of our switching to different teams at the end of month 4 is becoming more and more difficult to think about at times. Because they are so awesome, though, our love and respect for one another makes correction extremely easy on both the giving and receiving sides.
There was a moment last month when I was out with 3 of my team members walking to a supermarket to purchase groceries for us to cook our weekend meals. While walking down the sidewalk I happened to notice a couple of guys in front of us who kept turning back to stare, and something about it made me very uneasy. Being the protective mother hen that I am, I immediately called to the girls and asked them to slow down and hang back for a bit… not explaining the reason why, I might add. Granted, two of the girls had noticed the men as well, but the third had no idea what was going on and was clearly not into my telling her what to do.
A few days later during one of our team meetings that we are pretty consistent about having this event came up, and the teammate who was left out of the loop of knowledge let me know that I ticked her off pretty badly.
She was gentle about it, but it was obvious that she was not happy with the situation. After explaining why I did what I did, it was pointed out that my lack of communication and attempts to control the situation were not appreciated or even appropriately attempted.
“I don’t like for people to look after me” she said. Also pointing out that I have no means to control the situation even if something were to happen. “What would you have even done?” In a round-a-bout way her argument to me was that things happen beyond anyone’s control all the time and you can’t just think you’re always going to be able to control everything… because you can’t.
Truth.
Even though it hurt to hear it, she was right. And I would learn this the hard way later on in the month.
About 2 weeks later my team and I went out together into town for an evening of fun with some of our other squadmates. It was nearly the end of our ministry time in Ecuador (we had 2 days left), and a little bit of a diversion sounded like a great idea. Things were awesome in the beginning. I was having a great time with my girls, then what initially started out as some innocent fun quickly turned into something slightly out of control.
We came back home feeling a little bit overwhelmed by some of the things that happened, but it was nothing that couldn’t be handled and corrected.
Then – chaos.
The next day we had a meeting in the evening, and, without giving too much information, during this meeting it was discovered that one of the girls, someone I care deeply about, was nearly taken advantage of by someone during our weekend of diversion.
And there we have it – an event where the mother hen wasn’t able to do the job she thought she was supposed to do. At the knowledge of this occurrence, I very quickly snapped.
Literally, I snapped.
I became an emotional wreck with no understanding as to why. All I knew was I was angry, hurt, disappointed, and my trust of myself and everyone around me was broken. I’m not an emotional person normally, but I literally spent the next day, the final day of our ministry in Ecuador, in tears, crying until my eyes hurt.
Obviously my team knew something was going on inside of me, but it was clear that no one, not even myself, knew what to do. Finally, as we were walking to our ministry site in the morning, one of my team members received some discernment and wisdom from the Lord and pulled me off to the side to have an impactful conversation.
I’m going to preface this with some information about myself that I know many of you are unaware of. My team knows all of this, but many of my acquaintances back home have no knowledge of this part of my past. As a small child I was abused by a family member who took advantage of me. Throughout my life, the trauma of this event has caused unexpected emotional, mental and even spiritual consequences, but prayer, counseling and a supportive family saved me from a lot of the more intense issues that could have resulted from this event in my life.
I honestly thought I had completely moved past it. The Lord has helped me through so much over the years, but this event in Ecuador brought upon some emotions that I had not experienced in a very, very long time.
Back to the word from my teammate.
She pulled me to the side as we were walking to our ministry site, and with all gentleness and love began to tell me how she believes my reaction, being as intense as it was, could potentially be related to the trauma of my childhood. She perceived that perhaps the fact that I was so young at the time of that event, maybe I had not completely processed through all of the emotions that were associated with it. Not that I had not forgiven this family member – because I have definitely forgiven him. She was just saying that I was so young that perhaps my inability to control what happened during this time, and even afterward, was causing my intense, almost raging reaction. I was not able to understand my emotions at such a young age, and processing them was not something I was likely able to do properly.
As a child, I was not able to control with a truly understanding mind what happened to the person who did this to me. I was not able to control what happened within my family as a result of it – the overprotectiveness that resulted from it (understandably so), etc. I had no control over my own body or ability to protect myself considering the person guilty of this thing was supposed to, himself, be my protector.
As she was talking to me, all I could do was cry because I knew that there was some truth to what she was saying. And as the conversation continued, I received another revelation – my own personal control issues are related to this past event. Not only are they related, but they are based in fear.
Fear of not being in control.
We walked along the sidewalk, and talked and prayed, eventually arriving at our ministry site where I continued to process, pray, and cry the majority of the time we were there.
In one specific moment, one of the young girls at the after school daycare program came and stood next to me while we watched the other kids learning a praise dance with an instructor.
A beautiful little girl named Jolebny Isabel who is about 7 years old. She grabbed my hand, wrapped her other arm around my waist and just stood there with me as we watched the kids dance.
As this little girl stood there, holding me so gently and innocently I began to sob – hardcore sob.
All I could think was, “God, there is absolutely nothing I can do to protect this beautiful little girl. I am incapable, and I can finally see that. Please protect this innocent child, Father. Protect her from the evils of this world because I know that there’s literally nothing I can do to keep her from experiencing them.”
That’s what He showed me –
I’m a control freak with control issues based in fear.
The reasoning – I was abused and I haven’t gotten over it yet. It’s all linked. I want to protect the innocent because I, myself, was unable to be protected as an innocent.
I’m afraid that if I don’t have control of myself and others and the situations around me innocent people will experience the same pain I did as a child. If no one else will protect them, I will. I want to control what happens because I wasn’t able to control what happened to me. I want to be the one who will always make sure no bad comes to those I love and care for, but the thing is – I CAN’T! First of all, it’s not my job. Second of all, who am I and what can I do anyway??! If some gang of drug lords were to show up at my doorstep out here where we are right now in Peru, what would or could I even do??? Nothing. I have to relinquish control to the Lord, and use my listening ear and trust of Him and His ways because my ways are fleshly and will accomplish nothing. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie, but I’m trying and making progress. Letting things go little by little.
Father, I relinquish my control and reliance on myself. You are my source and the one I rely on for all of my needs and the needs of those I love. I am nothing and no one in comparison to your power and awe. Take away my fear. Help me to trust You and You alone.
Continue to pray for me as I move forward on this journey. God is doing things not only in my life, but in the life of my teammates and those around us. Read some of our stories. I covet your support as we get ready to move into month 4 which will take us to Africa.
Blessings to all,
Denea
