Sometimes God asks us to do hard things or, as in my case right now, He tells us we’re going to dig into some uncomfortable places in our lives and try to make them more comfortable. During this 40 Day period of really seeking Him, He’s told me something we’re going to push deeper into together is my boldness – specifically my boldness in speech. Yeahhhh… I’m not really a fan. It’s easy to be bold in writing. I can reread what I type and fix anything I may have messed up on before posting it. But speech?? Yeah, that’s a whole other ballgame. The words that come out of my mouth can’t be taken back. The truth is I’m afraid of that kind of boldness which, of course, is why He wants us to work on it. But seriously, being bold is something that has always been hard for me.
For some reason, when I think of boldness my natural thoughts lead me to conclude that being bold means being brass, blunt, direct, harsh and usually without empathy. I don’t know why, but that’s always what I think of. Neither of these are characteristics I want to be associated with… with the exception of maybe directness. My fear is that I will not be able to find the balance in how to be bold and still show love; how to state the truth that He tells me with directness, and it still come out as loving and caring toward those I share with. I love truth. I love God’s Word. I love sharing the revelations He shows me and the worlds of knowledge He gives me, but often times when I feel like I have a truth to share with others I get super passionate. It’s like a fire that burns inside of me and if I don’t let it out my insides seriously feel like they’re going to explode, so when I finally release it there can sometimes be like this massive explosion of words and emotion and dramatics and loudness… and it doesn’t always sound like something filled with the love of Jesus.
My friends have seen it. Teammates have seen it. And it’s hard to explain if you haven’t seen it… lol. This passion can even come out in a way that unintentionally seems harsh and demeaning, and that’s not my heart’s desire. This is why I literally ask God every week before the Bible Study that I attend to NOT ask me to share anything; to just let me sit and listen. Yeah… He never listens to that request. Lol. And this week… ya know what? I had to apologize because what He had me share came out exactly as I feared – harsh and not very loving. The pride within me wanted to strike out and tell Him, “See! I told ya! That’s why I don’t want to talk, bro!!!” But the truth is He’s keeping me humble, and in the process showing me what needs to be pointed out in order to better improve a gift He’s trying to develop. Where I may never been able to see the error in my ways beforehand, now He’s helping me to see them by saying, “Hey, Denea… did you hear how you said that? That’s what we’ve got to work on. I don’t think that sounded very loving. Go apologize, and next time change your tone.” Or maybe, “Next time say it this way instead of that way.”
While it really hits me in my pride, my hope is that humbling myself and apologizing shows a sense of love even though I messed up initially. It’s not easy to admit to being wrong. Sometimes it’s even harder to change what’s wrong. But I’m choosing to believe that He’ll help me along the way because He’s faithful to His word… and what He told me is that He’s going to teach me to be bold and love at the same time.
Yes, there’s still some fear inside of me about all of this, but He’s showing me that we can do this together if I just trust Him. It’s practice, right? Just like with most everything else in life. Practice and obedience. Putting “self” down, and trusting Him enough to give Him control.
P.S. Stay tuned for the next post! Speaking of boldness, we may get a little more of that with what He’s cooking in me right now. It might take a few days to work through, but I’m trusting it will be worth the read… or at least the typing for my part. Who knows? Maybe it’s just for me! 🙂
