A lot has happened in the months since I was last on this site. It’s hard to believe more than 4 months have passed since the last crazy confessional was thrown into the fire last April. Don’t worry. There are no confessionals today, but the topic of confessionals is what’s on my heart to talk about, in a sense.
Jesus and I spend a lot of time together these days. More than I have ever spent with Him in my life, as far as I can remember, with the exception of the Race. While my life has become much more busy than it was at the beginning of the year with my working full-time, plus overtime, and finding a groove in socialization, my time with Jesus has been more consistent than I can ever remember. We talk nearly every day. Over the last few months we’ve had some interesting conversations and new revelations about things: where He’s taking me, why certain things have happened, how He’s working things together for good, and how the things He’s showing me are beautifully intertwined in the plan He not only has for me, but the plan He’s had for everyone from the beginning.
Shortly after coming home last year, ideas started entering my heart for a new adventure with Jesus. One that I will eventually talk in depth about, but not today. On thing I can talk about now, though, is He made it very clear while I was on the Race that He was shifting my heart to focus more on His people (the church) than the lost. Not that the lost are not in my focus, as we should always be seeking lost ones, but the primary focus is being shifted toward the church. Fires started burning inside of me – a desire to see His church learn how to truly be the church.
He’s given me a gift. One that I’ve kept hidden for a long time because of fear. Messages that He wants me to speak to motivate and encourage His body (the church) to be who they are called to be, and to understand more of who He is and His character. How he loves, His grace and mercy, His forgiveness, etc. And how those characteristics are supposed to be in the church as well if we are truly trying to be like Jesus.
Let’s face it. For most people, a church can be one of the most unforgiving places we can think of to go to when we are seeking forgiveness.
But that’s not who God is, nor is it who He ever intended for His church to be.
I can be a very prideful person. While most people never see this side of me because I hide it well, being elevated through success goes straight to my head. I easily feed, in a bad way, on praise. So knowing that God has messages He wants me to give has been difficult to walk out – because I know my pride and how easily it takes over.
I had a conversation with Jesus somewhat recently about this; of how fearful I am that pride and arrogance will take over as He has me speak. That my heart will eventually make it all about me and my success, not about Him. I told Him how I know I need to be humbled to keep my heart focused on Him because I never want my words to be me, if that makes sense. I want the words that I speak to be Him, only… for me to rely on Him, only.
Then, He showed me how He has already begun a path intended to keep me humble.
As many of you know, a lot of what I’ve spoken about over the last year and a half has involved my mistakes and failures, confessionals of my sins, and how God has taught me valuable lessons through them. As I look back through my blog posts, and think back on the verbal messages given, what He has shown me is that weakness is where He is showing his strength. The posts that have required the most humility and hardest confessions – those are the most viewed. The spoken words that have required the most tears and hardest admissions – those have had the largest impact on the Body.
A few weeks ago a message came that required me to speak in front of a congregation of people who see me all the time and tell them my sins. To encourage the Body to make this common practice because, as the letter of James says “Confess your sins to one another…” A couple of weeks later it exploded into an hour and a half of others coming to the front of the church, taking a microphone and confessing sins in front of the Body – asking for forgiveness, offering forgiveness, crying with each other, praying for one another, encouraging one another, LOVING one another.
This is the Church. This is God’s body. This is what Jesus looks like and how He designed His people to look and behave.
What He showed me through this is that, just like Paul, there’s a thorn in my flesh. A tormenter brought forth to keep me from becoming prideful and conceited. My thorn? The messages He gives me to speak are generally of my failures and mistakes, my sins and falls, and how His grace and love is exalted above them. This is how He keeps me humble. People can’t see me as perfect when the messages are about my imperfection. The beautiful thing about it, though, is now I can boast in my imperfection because God’s power is made perfect in weakness. It becomes no longer about me, but Christ-In-Me. So, if talking about my weaknesses and imperfections is how Christ is to be exalted, then I will thank God for the thorn in my flesh – because my desire is for Him to be praised, not me.
People comment all the time that I must be extremely courageous and bold and brave because of the things I easily admit about my failures. The truth is, I’m none of those things. I just love Jesus and know what He has done for me. What He has saved me and forgiven me from. The humility of knowing the imperfections that exist and how He loves me in spite of them turns my heart toward Him and allows me to love Him so much that I gain confidence in who He has made me. I no longer worry about the thoughts of others. It sincerly has nothing to do with bravery. It’s love. And that love, somehow, keeps the sinful desires at bay.
The truth is talking about these things is simply worth it for the chance that someone might finally get it. That someone might finally understand the truth of who God is. His kindness. His goodness. His mercy. His forgiveness. Or that a body of believers might finally understand that this is what His church is supposed to look like if we are truly trying to be Christ-like.
So, with all of that said, let the boasting begin. Boasting that my God is exalted above all failures and weaknesses, and accepting His love and forgiveness with true humility is what leads to freedom.
