This weekend we had a mini World Race retreat (The AWAKENING) for the 3 squads that have been living in/near Honduras:
P-Squad (Mine) in month 2,
K-Squad in month 4, and
F-Squad at the end of month 11 (they’re going home!).
We’ve been told that these AWAKENING retreats will change our lives & that we will be able to learn a lot from the racers that have gone before us. I didn’t really believe it. First of all, conversing with ALL these new racers is every introverts nightmare… and, I already had it in my head that it was going to be more of a relaxing weekend of hanging out and learning things that we’ve already been taught before. I planned to just breeze through it.
Hearing the messages and stepping out & listening to other racer’s stories – God began to wreck me.
Here’s where it started..
Imagine your basement – the creepy storage room – or even better yet – the dark, musky, ol’ MICHIGAN basement. If you’ve ever had one, you know the level of hair standing, sprint back up the stairs creepy I’m talking about. Imagine any dark place that you store away old boxes that gives you the heebie geebies when you spend too much time there by yourself.
We all have that deep dark creepy place in our hearts that we store all of our ugly, shameful, horrific experiences and memories.
We were challenged by our Awakening Host, Reed, to go down to our basements – grab a box – bring it back upstairs to the light…and open it.
WARNING! This could be monstrous.
I have a lifetime of suppressed feelings and memories that I always say that I have gotten over and dealt with. But the truth is – I just sealed them up tight in a box and tucked them deeeeeep deeeeeep down in the dark hoping that a smile and an “I’m fine” will keep them from EVER resurfacing.
Thats totally healthy – right?
In attempts to not overwhelm myself, I took the rest of the night to ask God what box he needed me to deal with first.
The next day, Reed was sharing his own story. He had made a comment about how he is a very laid back and chill kind of person & that he struggled with the lie that he was a boring person. In that moment I knew exactly what box of mine had just had the top kicked off.
You see, I was in a relationship for about a third and a half of my life. He made friends easily, was hilarious & was the kind of personality that people were just drawn to. Throughout the many years of dating we made a lot of mutual friends. You rarely got one of us without the other. Every time we hung out with people, he was the one they looked to for a good time. He was the entertainer. Because of that (much to my liking) I never really had to be. When we ended our relationship, we still attended and worked at the same church. I remember our friends saying they could feel the tension when we were in the same room. I think eventually they felt like they needed to choose between the two. Naturally, and understandably, they chose the entertainer. I had lost quite a few friendships along with my relationship.
Not only did I put my entire identity in my relationship, so when it ended I had no idea who I was or what goals and dreams I had for myself but, I also walked away with a feeling of abandonment and being too boring and not good enough for people to choose. As a result, I became more withdrawn from people than I already was and rarely let my guard down with new friends in fear of eventually losing them as well.
Im not the entertaining type – never have been. In big groups, I prefer the walls. I always thought that I was perfectly ok with that. I always chalked it up to just being naturally quiet and timid. What it really was, was an excuse – something to hide behind. Until this weekend however, I never associated that with the insecurity of maybe not being liked by people, not having anything good enough to say, or fear of not being chosen for a good time.
During breakfast that morning, I got to meet Rebecca (month 11er). A squamate asked her what was one of the biggest lessons that she learned over the race. She said it was learning the harsh reality that timidness was a form of pride.
Ouch.
I am a slight Aichmophobiac. So that knife to the gut was NOT appreciated… But much needed.
Later that day, Reed’s wife, Ana had us split off into small groups to share the lies that we have been dealing with and had the rest of our group speak truth over us. I’ve never been so appreciative of community. Although its going to take more than one night to replace these lies with truth – I was reminded that I am valued, I am funny in my own way, I bring people joy, without the quiet peaceful presence there would just be loud chaos, and that I don’t waste my breathe on random nonsense but what I do take time to say is valued and draws people in. I have something to offer.
I know that there will be many more situations that the enemy will try to use to make me feel lame and boring. And there will be times that he tries to keep me quiet. But with every lie from the enemy comes God’s covering of truth.
As if God hadn’t scraped enough away for one day – we ended the weekend with a worship service. Well, it was actually supposed to be another message but the Holy Spirit had different plans that consisted of a two hour worship session instead. It turned out to be my absolute favorite part of the entire weekend.
Towards the end, a girl from K-Squad came up to me and said she felt like the Lord was telling her to come over and talk to me. She kept hearing Freedom, Freedom, Freedom but didn’t know exactly what that meant.
She said, “You’re in a room with things that are comfortable and they’re all good things but the door of the room is cracked open and Jesus is on the other side calling your name. Calling you towards freedom. It’s scary and it’s the unknown but once you step through the door, what’s on the other side is so beautiful – it’s FREEDOM.”
Little did she know that I was just having an intense conversation with God (so much so that when she touched my hand to get my attention I jumped cause she scared me so bad) telling him that I know there’s something weighing heavy on my heart but I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what I need to do so if there’s something specific, please send someone to tell me.
So He did!
Crazy how God works isn’t it!? Ugh, He’s just the coolest.
A couple of weeks ago, I ask my mom to find my dream journal (I have the most bizarre dreams and nightmares so I always write them down). I remembered having a dream shortly after being excepted to the World Race sometime around the end of last October 2017. I woke up that night with 3 words prominently on my mind in regards to The World Race. I just couldn’t for the life of me remember what they were.
The day we got back home from the AWAKENING, my mom text me a picture of my journal that she was finally able to find…
FREEDOM.
I am still processing all that I’ve learned this weekend and am still seeking what complete freedom looks like but, one hidden box at a time, through surrendering, brokenness, and dependence on the Lord, I’ll get there. Working through my past & my pride, I’m eager to push open that cracked door because I know that what is on the other side is going to be beautiful.
Thank you Jesus for going before me, for your provision, for seeing me, knowing me, never leaving me, and for loving me through and through.
