Moving is exhausting. Trying to fit the contents of my house into my car is really hard. Leaving Oxford, my home for the last 4 1/2 years, feels impossible. Having to say “goodbye” to those I love most in just a few short weeks, I cannot even think about that. Long story short, I’m in over my head.
I am not good at changes, I don’t like them. I like being comfortable and right now I am in a place that is not comfortable. I am packing up my life and leaving my friends and family for almost a year. That’s crazy! And there are so many times I have asked myself why. Why am I giving up my life, my good life, for a life of total uncertainty? Why am I putting future plans on hold to move across the world and not know what the next day holds? The only answer I have is “because the Lord asked me to”.
I do not always know that this is what He intended when He asked me to follow Him. I can remember one night a few weeks ago lying in bed thinking that if God was truly good, He would not be asking me to do this. If He was who I have always said He was, there is no way I heard Him correctly and I should not be preparing to leave for 11 months. But then I remembered, God does not promise happiness, He promises Himself. The Lord promises an eternity of Him and His glory that He wants to share with us not always joy and happiness here on earth.
Please understand what I am saying here, I am not saying that the race is going to be a terrible experience. I believe that this journey is going to be so beautiful filled with much joy and I am excited to embark on this journey. But I also realize the reality of what is to come, saying goodbye to my life now. But I found comfort in this scripture:
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.
[Matthew 19:29]
Doesn’t that sound like the love of a God who truly does love me? God is not sending me away to be mad, frustrated, and sad, He is sending me to meet more of His children and to love His creation.
With that knowledge in my heart, it’s easier to handle this current season. It’s easier to leave knowing God wants me to return. It’s easier to pack and say goodbye because I know I am not leaving forever, I am following the call the Lord has placed on my life in this season. I am not saying I will not cry the day I leave, or even later today for that matter, but I am saying that I am confident the Lord has me in His hands and that’s a beautiful place to be.
I am overwhelmed, in over my head, and out of control, so why not give it all to God? The One who is in total control and never is overrun? I don’t want this to sound like this is an easy choice to make. While the choice to let the Lord have all of my stress and anxiety is simple, the acting it out proves difficult. So that’s where I’m walking now. I am walking towards not only giving it all to God but leaving it all with Him. It is not going to be an overnight change but rather journey. Some days will be hard and some days will be easier. Some days I am going to think happily of my journey to come and others I will eat ice cream while crying and hugging my friends begging them to hide in my backpack, but all is well.
