I recently found myself struggling with the idea of leaving. I did not want to leave my life here because everything was going really well and quite honestly, I was a little angry with God.
I (selfishly) could not understand why God was calling me to leave everything I had. I don’t want to leave my job, my friends, my boyfriend, my family and I began resenting the choice I made to go. I remember praying one night saying “God, I am happy and isn’t that what you want? Why should I make myself unhappy?” That’s the heart I went to training camp with, but that’s not the heart I left with.
Looking back on training camp, it’s a blur and so clear all at the same time. Have you ever experienced something like that before? Where time seemed to drag on and speed by at the same time? That was my 10 days in Gainesville. I felt broken at times and completely together at other times. I understand how difficult it can be to understand what I am trying to say because my thoughts are so sporadic but the best way I can describe training camp is “It was really hard, but it was really good”. I was so drained physically/mentally/emotionally but I felt so full and even overflowing spiritually. I hung on the words my squad mates and training staff said and I wrote down more in my journal than I have since I have owned it (I am really going to make an effort to journal more on the race, stay tuned to see how this goes). I think the biggest revelation or ah-ha moment happened the third day of camp for me. Here’s a little about that moment:
I heard stories and testimonies of so many of the great challenges they had overcome in their lives to get where they are and how they felt that the race would be a new starting point for them. I remember being so in awe of these stories and so overcome with how that was not me. I felt that I was not made for this and thinking I was kidding myself for thinking I had the courage to take on a feat like this. I thought I had misunderstood what God had asked of me and I had wasted His time and mine. We had a one-on-one that day with a member of our training team (past racers and people who now work for Adventures aka-the best people to talk to because they have been exactly where I am) and I just expressed how I felt, the unscripted, candid, selfish truth, I don’t know what I am doing here or why I am even here. I shared how I did not want to leave all the good behind and I was confused why I was being asked to leave the good in the first place. She acknowledged my confusion and told me that it was completely normal to ask these questions and she said maybe I had not been open to hearing God when He answered them. I remember her telling me that it sounded like I had a “strong foundation” I was leaving from and those words stayed with me.
That night I laid in my tent with a confused brain and a hurt heart. I again asked God why He was asking me to leave but this time, I actually waited for a response. I have shared with y’all before how I have struggled with hearing God’s voice before and I realized it was because I wrote off things that “couldn’t be God” and “had to just be my thoughts” but this night was different because I decided to be fully open to Him and however He would speak to me. The phrase “strong foundation” stayed in my head and I finally asked why. I felt the question “What is the purpose of a strong foundation?” and me, not being a builder of any kind, only have one answer and it’s to build on. At that moment I felt a very strong sense of “exactly”.
What’s the purpose of a strong foundation? To build upon it. A strong foundation left alone is nothing more than a slab of concrete on the ground, pretty useless if you ask me. God has blessed me with more than I deserve with who I have here, in my comfort zone, but He is asking me to build on what I have because there is so much more out there for me to see and experience. God is not asking me to abandon what I have a run away, He is simply asking me to follow Him so that’s what I’m doing. I am leaving on the World Race because I feel God has so much He wants to show me and then He wants me to come back and share it with everyone.
My strong foundation should not be used as a crutch to not go, but as the comfort of knowing when I come back, it will still be there. But bigger, stronger, and more of Him.
