A tree stood in the middle of the uneven plot of land pockmarked with holes. Each divot in the ground marking a mass grave which had been dug up, the bones later placed in a memorial at the entrance of the killing field.
Walking toward the large tree I noticed three things; first that the tree was covered in what appeared to be bracelets, second was the mass children’s grave which lay beside the tree, and third was a sign naming the tree the ‘Killing Tree.’ It had earned such a name by being the weapon used on all the innocent children who found themselves thrown into the grave right beside it.
That tree was one of many heart breaking things I experienced while I was in Cambodia, and yet the tree was what stuck with me the longest. The ‘Killing Tree’ followed me like a hunter stalking it’s pray. Unexpectedly rearing its head, or jumping out from behind bushes, reminding me that pain was still there.
It was the ‘Killing Tree’ along with everything else about the Khmer Rouge that caused me to question the goodness of God.
I remember going to worship the night after I had spent the day at the killing fields and seen how the Khmer Rouge has killed one fourth of the Cambodian people in such brutal ways. Up until worship I had been completely numb to it all. Yet, once the music started I found myself on my knees sobbing.
I was crying out to God for an answer. Begging Him to tell me why, why so many people had to die, why Pol Pot the leader of the Khmer Rouge was even born, and why, oh god why the ‘Killing Tree.’
In the mists of my sobbing, my squad mate kneeled beside me and asked me what was going on. Looking at her all I could manage to do was tell her where I had been that day and then choke out the question ‘why? Why did He let it happen?’
She looked at me for a few seconds, and then started to cry herself. She didn’t know either. Together we kneeled on the floor crying out to God for understanding.
And through all my question, and all my tears the Lord only said one thing to me. He told me that he loved Pol Pot and the entire Khmer Rouge just as much as he loved me.
You see, I was sitting there asking God why. Why he let these men and woman who caused so much pain and hurt be born in the first place, and his answer was simple ‘because I loved them so so much.’
It didn’t help me understand why bad things happen, but what it did, was knock me off any sort of high horse that I may have climbed on over the first 5 months of the race, and remind me that those babies falling into the grave, along with the men who put them there were so loved. Just as loved as I ever was.
And if it was only Pol Pot, with his dark heart and his evil plans alive in this world, Jesus would have came for only him. Because He loved him that much.
Pol Pot was born completely loved, and given wonderful gifts of persuasion and crazy zeal, intended for amazing works of the kingdom. But he went down a different path, and chose a life so very different then what god had intended.
Imagine how God’s heart broke as he watched his beloved son make mistake after mistake. I’m sure some parents can relate. Gods heart full of sorrow because of the choices his son was making, and yet he still loved him so.
And that was all the lord said to me as I was kneeling on the cool hard tile, the worship of my squad mates saturating all my unanswered questions. That he loved Pol Pot just as much as he loved me. Despite the Khmer Rouge, Despite the death and pain, and despite the ‘Killing Tree.’ He was loved.
I found myself yesterday sharing this story. A story of Cambodia, the ‘Killing Tree’ and the hard lessons I had learned because of it. I found myself sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers talking openly about my pain and struggles.
Out of nowhere I began telling this story, every heart breaking detail, to a room full of strangers! Talk about a mood killer. And yet they clung to every word. I found one of the men I was talking to watching me intently as I was speaking, smiling slightly as I talked about my doubts, and drinking up the Lord’s responses to me.
I had no idea why he was so intent, or why I was sharing. I just felt like I was supposed to.
It was only later that I was told that the young man sitting across from me had been struggling in his relationship with the lord, that doubts had begun seeping in. I was told that he had gone to Cambodia only days before and had seen the same exact things that I had. He was having to face the hard question of why, but instead of drawing him closer, it was pulling him apart.
I believe the Lord had me tell that story for him. To show him that everyone struggles with doubts, especially in the face of great tragedy. But that you don’t have to stay in that place of doubt and confusion. I believe that the lord used me to encourage, and draw him closer to a place of reconciliation with the lord.
It is so amazing that the lord can use our testimonies to influence those around us, as long as we are willing to say yes, and be open to spilling our hearts to complete strangers even if it makes no sense to us why.
What stories has the Lord give you that you can tell those around you to help encourage and uplift them today?
