So there is this boy. When it comes to me there always seems to be one boy or another. When I left for the race I had the expectations that here everything would be different. I was finally going into an environment where I wouldn’t have a crush on anyone. Finally.
What I didn’t take into account was that when you go on the Race you do not actually become a completely different person. You are the same person that you were when you left, only on the other side of the world. Not to mention that you are now surrounded by men who are on fire for the Lord. Nothing is more attractive then a man on fire for God.
As you can probably guess the inevitable happened, and I found myself liking one of the men I met here. Great. I can’t even count the number of times that I asked God to take my feelings away, to free me from the distraction that this man became. The longer I liked him, the angrier I became. This is NOT what my race is supposed to be about. This is not the way my race was supposed to go.
What I was failing to see however was that God was teaching me more in this crush, then he was in almost any other way.
I have been learning about Vindication. For so much of my life I have placed my value in the way that men view me. If a man values me, pursues me, or spends his time and attention on me then I must be worth something, and if I was looked over, or ignored then I must be worthless. It didn’t matter what God said about me, how God valued me, all that mattered was weather men liked me or not. I learned about this problem when the Lord pointed out that I was trying to do the same thing with this man here. The Lord was able to speak life into the situation, and sing words of value and worth over me. Teaching me not to find my vindication in men, but in Him alone.
I have been learning about Pursuit. This is a hard thing for me to learn about, and even harder for me to fully understand. As a woman I long to be pursued; I believe that all women do. I also believe that in reference to relationships it is the man’s job to pursue the woman. As long as I can remember I have always pursued men. I have always gone out of my way to flirt with, talk with, or spend time with a man that I found attractive or alluring. I would manipulate situations so that men would think about me, talk to me, or notice me. I would, in every sense of the word pursue men, and never even give them a chance to pursue me first. The Lord has really been having me check my heart in reference to all my relationships with the men here on the race. He is having me ask hard questions, like why I am talking to them, why I am spending time with them, and if I am in any way trying to pursue them in an unbrotherly way. My motives have been challenged more then I ever could have imagined. And through that the Lord is teaching me that I deserve to be pursued. That I am worth a man’s time and effort. He is also showing me what it looks like to only love men in a brotherly way.
I have been learning about Jealousy. I have always been a relatively jealous person. I always want to be someone's favorite, their first pick, their best friend. I don’t like being second, and I hate being looked over. The last couple months however I have really been challenged in what it means when it says in 1 Corinthians that love is not jealous. It is so easy to look at jealousy and write it off as part of your personality, but jealousy is not something of the Lord, and not something that God would create to be part of us. It is something that we too easy accept. For me the lesson of jealousy and the lesson of trust (which is the fourth lesson that i have been learning) go hand in hand. My jealousy stems from not trusting that the Lord has something great planned for me and for my life. When I look at what I want, I tend to get upset that I can’t have it. I get jealous for those who do, or can. Then I have to check myself, it is ok to want something, but it is not ok to be upset or jealous when you can’t have that. Me being jealous means that I do not trust that what the Lord has in store for me is better then what i want for myself. It is me thinking that I have my best interest at heart, and that the Lord does not. What I want is what the best possible option is surely. Through my jealousy the Lord is showing me that I have to go back to the basics, and remind myself to trust in the Lord, and his plans for my life. Plans for me to prosper and not for harm. Trust that what I want may be good, but not as good as whatever he has planed for me and my life.
The last thing that I have learned from my crush is about relationships, and the Lords timing. Late one night as we were driving through the hills of Vietnam, I was listening to my Ipod on shuffle and a sad love song came on. That song sent me crashing into memory after memory of my first love, as wave after wave of old pains and hurt washed over me. After the song ended the Lord whispered softly into my ear and He spoke to me sweetly about my heart. He told me that it didn’t matter how amazing, or how great a man was, that if I was not ready, and if the man was not sent to me by Him then it would end in the same heart break as my last relationship. The same heart break that I had just been reminded of. He told me to stop trying to put people into a box that He had created for my future husband. He said that when the time comes, my husband will pursue me, love me, and be there for me and that I wouldn’t have to manipulate the situation, the person, or the timing. He reminded me that everything was in His hands, and I needed to trust his plans for my life. My attempts at trying to find the right man will only end in my own heartbreak. I have to trust in the Lord, and in His timing. Easier said then done.
Crushes happen on the World Race. If you are planning on going on the Race, or are already on the Race, pray earnestly for the Lord to guard your heart. This is a year set apart for the Lord. However if you do find yourself crushing on someone, don’t lose heart. It happens, and chances are that the Lord has something to teach you in it. Don’t become discouraged or frustrated, instead look for the lesson in it. What better environment to learn about relationships then one in which everyone has to love you no matter what. I know that no matter what I say or what I do, the people on my squad will always love and support me. This is the perfect opportunity for the lord to heal my heart, so that when that perfect man does come along, I will be whole and free of my broken heart, and will be able to love him the way that he deserves.
