My biggest fear is being forgotten about.
This fear cropped up in many ways throughout my childhood, and I recognize it shaping my behaviors and reactions even now, years later. I have many memories about being left behind, forgotten about when I was younger. Growing up in a family with 7 other brothers and sisters, that tends to happen.
We were going to the pool with our closest family friends. They, like my family had many children, and when our two families were together it was chaos, the good kind of chaos, the life bringing kind of chaos, but chaos none the less. After meeting at their house, we were all going to drive down to the pool together. After getting ready, I started playing my favorite computer game, waiting for everyone else to finnish getting ready. After what seemed like forever, I went upstairs to try and figure out why we hadn’t left for the pool yet. To my astonishment I realized that everyone had already left for the pool, and had completely forgotten about me. I ended up walking down to the pool by myself, only to find out that no one had even noticed that I wasn’t there. My mother looked at me and asked me why I was so upset and had been crying. She had no idea that they had left me behind. They had not only left me behind, but they had also forgotten about me completely.
We were running in the Bolder Bolder as a family. Near the end of the race my older sister and I got separated from out parents. Young and frightened, we finished the race and then went to the tent they had set up for the lost children. They found our parents, and informed us that they were just sitting and relaxing in the shade a ways away waiting for us to show up. They were coming and would be there soon. I understand now that in the thousands and thousands of people at the Boulder Boulder there was not much that they could have done to find us, but to me then; they were not worried, they were not searching for us, they had forgotten about us.
There were times that I found myself waiting after school waiting for someone to come and pick me up hours after the other parents had already picked up their own children. Calling time and again on the school phones, long after the school was locked and the lights were off. They had forgotten, again.
I am not bringing up these memories to make my parents look inadequate, or try and make them feel bad by any means. I tell you all these memories in the skewed perspectives of a child, to show you all how I began to believe that I am easily forgotten about, easily replaced.
Today my fear of being forgotten about crops up in sly and unexpected ways.
I am loud, because I believe that if I was quiet, people would forget that I was there. If I am loud and boisterous, then people will actually notice if I am there or not. People would notice my absence because it would be more quiet if I was not there. Who I am is not strong enough to grab peoples attention, so I have to be loud so people will not forget about me.
This lie still has a hold on me to this day. The lie that who I am is not enough. If I am not more, then I will be forgotten about.
I was talking to my team about this fear of mine the other day, telling them about my insecurities, and my fear of being forgotten, and they asked me why it mattered to me so much that people remember me. That question although it hurt to hear got me thinking.
Why am I trying to get my vindication, my value, from being wanted by people? Why is being wanted so important to me? Why is being noticed such a big motivator for me?
Because I want to be loved, and appreciated and valued. I want other people to think that I am important, and valuable.
I have recently been spending a lot of time looking at Psalm 17, 17:2 says
"Let my vindication come from You, for You see what is right."
Seeking other peoples love, and notice is not putting all my vindication in the lord. It places my worth, value, and importance in how much people want me, how desirable I am to the people around me.
Coming across this verse convicted me, and made me stop and ask myself in what areas am I placing my vindication in the people around me, and not in the Father?
When I am debating wether I should kneel during worship when I feel led to do so, but hesitate because that is kinda weird, who am i putting my vindication in?
When I am holding back tears that I know should be pouring down my face, because to me tears are a sign of weakness, who am I putting my vindication in?
When I speak the words the Lord has given me, and then look around waiting for someone to conform what I said was wise, or that it had affected them in some sort of way, who am I putting my vindication in?
The Lord tells us that All vindication should come from HIM.
The whole time I am seeking vindication and acceptance from the people around me, He is looking down on me saying “I see you, I hear you, I remember you. I love you, and would never forget about you, I think about you at all times, because you are That worthy.” He never forgets about me, but all too often I try and get noticed by the people around me, I try and get accepted, and appreciated and remembered by others that I forget to remember Him.
Where do you find your vindication, value, or acceptance? Is it in your classmates, coworkers, or friends?
Do you strive to be noticed my your boss, pastor or father?
Do you need to be reminded that the Father is looking down on you at all times saying “That is my son, with whom I am well pleased. Look at him! That is my son! and I am so proud! I see you, I think about you, and I would never forget you”?
I challenge you all to join me in the walk of discovering areas that we find vindication in those around us, and pray earnestly that the Father would change our hearts, so that we would only find our vindication in him, who sees what is right.
The Lord revealed my fear of being forgotten about, so that he could remind me that I don’t need to be remembered by anyone but Him.
