I have taken on many roles growing up.
That of a daughter
A friend
A student
A leader
A teacher
One of my more prominent, and in my opinion more important ones is that of a protector. I have four younger siblings. And it is my job to love them, watch over them, and protect them. It is my job to make sure that nothing bad ever happens to them, and that they are not picked on by bullies at school. It is my job to make sure that they are treated right by my parents,
and spoiled right when they need it. It is my job to make sure that my babies, my little kids, my loves are cared about and loved and watched over.
These last couple of weeks have been amazing. I love Nepal, and have been blessed time and again by the people here who love me. It has also been a hard time for me. It has been a time of realizing that I am here, thousands of miles away, with no way of standing between my babies and the rest of the world. I have no way of being a shield for all their pain, a guardian over them as they sleep and play and laugh.
I put a lot of responsibility on my own shoulders for taking care of and raising my little kids. It is up to ME to keep them from hurts and pains. it is up to ME to stand in between them and the rest of the world. And when the sin of this broken world does seep in and touch them, that also is my responsibility, and my fault.
I found myself sitting and talking to my amazing squad mother Selina today, and I for whatever reason begin to talk about my family. I was talking about how broken my family feels, and how it seems to be falling apart. That's when I looked up at her, tears streaming down my face and said 'I failed them', that's what it feels like. Whenever the sin of this world grabs hold of my babies I feel like it is my fault. It is my fault that I was not there to protect them, there to comfort them, there to watch over them. When pain and hurt grips them I feel like I have failed at my job as their protector,I have failed them. 
That's when God decided to step in. Selina told me to close my eyes, and picture myself in the first ever situation that I ever felt like I had to protect by little siblings. Picture the room, and the environment. A picture of color burst forth in my mind as I saw clear as day me protecting my babies. 'now find where Jesus was in that moment' she told me. Because jesus is always with us, at all moments in our lives. Especially the hardest ones. Instantly I saw him. He was standing in the corner of the room just feet away from me, looking on with the most loving expression on his face as he hurt with me and my little kids. 'now imagine his arms are open wide, and run into his arm. Run to him'
I heard these words, but the me in my memory, the me in my head stood firm. Running to God was not what I wanted to do at this moment. I couldn't leave my babies. I couldn't step out of between them and danger. I couldn't trust God with their protection. If they didn't have me, then who would they have? Willing the little me in my head to move was hard, I literally had to force myself to walk away. when I did get to Jesus, he put his arms around me and said 'come away with me' and the next thing I knew the room was disappearing and turning into a beautiful garden. There were beautiful green plants everywhere, and flowers bursting into bloom. In the middle of the garden was this beautiful play ground, and there was this huge wall all around
my garden. It was just like the secret garden from the movie, only with a play ground. There was a huge wall around the entire thing, and stationed around the garden were hundreds of angles. And Me and my little siblings were free, and playing and so full of joy. And I was pushing them on the swing, and they were laughing. Love was everywhere, and there was no fear, confusion, or hurt. And the gates to my garden were closed and locked and all the things I needed to protect them from was outside the walls.Then Jesus turned to me and said that he never intended for me to be on the outside of the garden. That I was never meant to be one of the angles. I was meant to be in the garden loving on my babies all along, while he and the angles protected us all. He wanted me to be with them, not outside being the shield. I was never meant to be the shield. That was his job all along. he was asking me to give up my responsibility of protecting them, and giving it to him. He was asking me to hand over the burden that I was never meant to carry in the first place.
Giving up my babies to god is not going to be an easy thing. But it is necessary. How can I trust God with my life, but not with the lives of my family?
I was journaling the other night, and I ended my journal entry by saying to God 'please take care of my baby because I can't. '
At the time I was saying that I couldn't because of the distance. But God is beginning to show me that I can't take care of them for more reasons then just distance. It was never my job to be their protector. That is his job. And I need to give them up to him to take care of.
